No one understands
by LackingLucidity
Summary: The girls shared their secrets and stripped their emotions bare into this bathroom, temporarily escaping the pain. Without Cat, Jade probably wouldn't be breathing right now, and without Jade, Cat wouldn't be any better off. Mentions of depression, bulimia and self-harm.
1. Suspicions

No-one understands.

Disclaimer: I do not, nor ever have owned Victorious.

* * *

If you really looked at Cat as much as Jade did, you'd notice the gradual changes in her character. Jade's noticed how Cat has become more reserved, more thoughtful of what she speaks over the past couple weeks. Usually, Cat would just blurt out any old story or thought that processed in her brain, but now… she's starting to withhold her thoughts, and that's something Jade never thought she'd loathe.

She prefers impulsive Cat, at least that way she'd be able to get a rough idea of the red-head's trains of thoughts, rather than the opposite. Jade used to find it incredibly easy to read Cat. It never took long for Jade to figure out what went on in Cat's head but now… Cat's become difficult. She's like a riddle; almost impossible to work out. Jade doesn't like this.

Although their exteriors speak otherwise, Cat and Jade are more alike than you'd expect. They've shared similar experiences that many people of their age would never have to go through in life never mind at their age and although you wouldn't think so, they're both a lot more mature than the average 16 year old teen, especially Cat. Cat has a lot to deal with; she has a lot on her plate. People expect too much from her, they push her too far at times.

When it comes to Cat, people seem to think its ok to mess her around, because, well… Cat's Cat and she's a pushover. People walk all over her but worse of all, she lets them. To everyone else, Cat's someone who will never say no to you, she's disposable; once you've got what you need, you throw her away. But to Cat however, she likes to think it's because she's needed. She likes the idea of people relying on her, even though she knows that's not the reality.

* * *

No matter what Cat's thinking or feeling, no matter how badly she's hurting, she'd never take out her emotions on someone else. Even, if they were the cause. Cat's obsessed with the idea of fate. "Everything happens for a reason", she'll mutter to herself every now and again. It keeps her going, keeps her sane, especially with all the shit she puts up with here, mentally.

Just imagine being poked constantly in the side of your head, over and over and over. This is something Cat's way too familiar with. This is how people entertain themselves. They repeatedly play on Cat's feelings and emotions to get a reaction. They want a show. They want to be entertained. 'Hey Cat, what's the psych ward like?' 'Cat, how's that crazy ass brother of yours?' 'Hey Cat, why are you so screwed up?' This isn't new to Cat. It's how it's always been and it's how it will always be.

She tries not to react, but ignore. She rarely succeeds. They know she's sensitive and she can't help it. She's aware people treat her like a ticking time bomb, waiting for her to explode. They prod her and poke her with their words and their tone. It's a miracle that she hasn't truly snapped yet. But, maybe she already has. Or maybe it's just chipping away at her, only this time she's struggling to reconstruct herself. _Maybe._

Jade's been finding it difficult to tolerate these arseholes more than usual. Usually, it'd be because their idiots, but now it's because they're deliberately hurting Cat, and worse of all, they don't even have the decency to be discrete about it. They're sneaky, they'd never physically harm Cat, but they use her mental state to their advantage and twist things up so that there's not much for evidence of bullying for teachers to go on, because, for all they know, Cat's just crazy.

To everyone else, the damage isn't visible. Jade knows exactly what they're doing though, she sees the difference. She sees the difference and has been trying her best. She's been trying to balance defending Cat and keeping up her reputation. But the more she watches Cat and the more she understands her, the more unbalanced it gets.

Jade finds herself struggling to reframe from killing these idiots who prey on Cat. She wants to make them hurt. She wants to make them the victims instead of innocent Cat. _How dare they do this to her? Who the fuck do they think they are? _She's sneaky about it; she knows she can only defend Cat by making sure she has no idea about it. She has to make it so Cat is clueless about Jade's actions, and she has to time everything perfectly.

She just has to be calm for the time being until it's appropriate to act. She has to wait until she's alone with them and Cat's out of the picture. However, It only took one snide comment from these morons directed to a passing by Cat before she snapped.

It's crazy how one simple comment sent Jade over the edge. She didn't even bother waiting for the 'perfect' moment to hound them, she was too fucked off to care. She'd dragged a few of them into the black box theatre and screamed until she couldn't breathe. Things were thrown, things were broken. She's said what she needed to for now. All that Jade must do now to warn them is glare. Just one look sends them running. _Fucking bastards. I swear to god, if they even step one foot near her again, I'll kill them._ Jade's threats will only work for so long though, she knows that and it saddens her. It makes her feel weak... useless.

It's hard to tell how Cat interprets all these harsh words. _I guess she just shrugs them off_; Like, they mean nothing. Yet, it's also confusing to Jade because, it's hard to tell if it's actually what's being said that's hurting her. Changing her; making her different. Jade can't help but speculate that these idiots aren't the cause for her change in character but in fact, it's something else.

Cat's become shady and secretive. Cat has never been like this before. Never. _Maybe she's not changing… she could be just maturing after all. _No, she's definitely changing. Jade's known her for too long now to know that it's not maturity that's changing Cat, because, she's not sure if Cat's capable of that. Jade hopes not anyway. With everything that's happened, Cat's remained innocent and pure, somewhat childlike. It's how it should always be.

* * *

Jade has always had conspiracies as to why Cat is the way she is. Like, Cat constantly being around her brother. See, Cat's parents aren't around much; always on vacations and extended work holidays. They seem to have the impression that providing the two with a credit card for use during their absence makes up for leaving Cat and her brother behind in the first place. Sure, it's acceptable given if it was only for a few days every now and again but it's not. Cat and her brother are home alone 10 out of 12 months in the year.

Not much can be done about it though. Jade has tried to find some sort of loophole that would force Cat's parents to stay home lawfully – given Jade's dads a lawyer and in exchange of having to put up with his rambling crap constantly – she's learnt a few things. But, unfortunately, Cat's brother is over 18 making him technically Cat's guardian when Mr and Mrs Valentine are away. Only, he's not the guardian in the situation, Cat is.

Cat is always running around after her brother, making sure he's taken his meds, taking him to his check-ups, ensuring that someone is always around during the day to keep an eye on him. She's never had a chance to be a child. That must be why when she escapes from it all and comes to school, she's child-like._ It's her way of coping I guess._ It's her way of making up for the years of childhood she's been deprived because of her stupid parents. _They're another example of why I hate the majority of humanity. Selfish, inconsiderate a-holes._

* * *

Jade has been so caught up in thought that she hasn't noticed that she's been staring at the red-head pretty much all of lunch. Cat, as anyone would, has noticed and looks quite uncomfortable with the situation. Although, however uncomfortable and nervous she may be, she dare not say anything. She doesn't want to draw attention to herself. Not now, not during lunch.

When Jade finally realises her mistake and obviousness, she pulls her eyes away and stares at her lunch. An un-touched burrito. She then scans the table and eyes up everyone else's lunch until she meets cat's and notices that she's obviously had more than one serving. Jade was just about to question the red-head when right on cue -

"God, Cat. You must have been hungry, skip breakfast this morning?" Tori pushes, clearly hoping for a response that makes the tiniest shred of sense. This is why Jade has such a disliking for Tori. She assumes things. Like, right now she's assuming that Cat doesn't have it in her to say something logical, but little does she know that Cat is probably one of the select few generally smart people Tori will ever meet. Jade knows this, but she's the only one so it's not something she can be smug about. Instead however, it angers her because Tori - along with many others - are too _fucking_ two dimensional to realise.

"Um, yeah I guess." Cat bluntly replies, praying the conversation would lead elsewhere. It was clear that Cat wasn't herself; something – again – was off. She wasn't the slightest bit chirpy; she was completely mono-tone and there was not one ounce of enthusiasm. It was bugging Jade how oblivious everyone was to Cat's strange behaviour, why were they just shrugging it off? "Actually, I have to go see Sikowitz… umm bye!"

Jade was shocked how fast Cat's movements were, but not enough to over investigate it. Like, _c'mon, she's always buzzing around... she's probably just excited or something, I don't know. She didn't sounded too excited though, just, I guess… god here I go again, overthinking everything. Just, stop. Think of how much you Hate Tori…yeah. That'll distract me._

* * *

Cat's been disappearing a lot lately during lunch. Jade kind of misses her. Even though Cat doesn't talk much – mainly due to the act of shoving desserts down her throat – Jade still misses her presence. She feels like she's doing something wrong, saying something wrong. No, that's not it. Jade doesn't speak much during lunch either. She's too busy trying to figure out the riddle of Cat. _I mean, c'mon, where is she always going? She can't really be doing this much extracurricular bullshit. And if she is, why is she? It's stupid and counts for almost nothing. Besides, even though Cat is selfless and generous, she'd never take this much time out to help a bunch of teachers I'm not even sure she likes. Whatever, I'll just go and find -_

"You okay Jade? You seem kind of… out of it." Tori enquired, resting her hand on the Dark-haired girl's arm in reassurance. Wrong move.

"Back off Vega" Jade spat throwing the girl's hand off of her. "And never touch me." It's hard to tell which she's more pissed at; the fact that this moron tore her away from her thoughts or the unwanted contact.

"Ahh, that's the Jade I know and have come to get used to." She says as a matter-of-factly.

Jade stood up and pulled her bag from under the table and swung it onto her shoulder. "Oh fuck off." She shot back, marching off with only one thing going through her mind, finding Cat. She figures, instead of tearing herself up about Cat and what might be going on, she'll just ask. Cat's never had a reason so keep anything back before, why should she now?_ I'm probably just over analysing everything. There's probably nothing wrong with her._ _Not that I care anyway, I just wanna know, something to talk about._

Jade's not kidding herself, she knows she cares for Cat, she knows she's protective and worried, but, she tries to convince herself otherwise anyway. Why? Her rep of course. Think of it like playing a part, you have to get in and become your character in order for it to be believable. Because after all, no-one can know she actually cares about someone, it's gives them a weakness to play on. She doesn't need that.

* * *

Finding Cat proved to be difficult. She wasn't with Sikowitz like she said she'd be and she's not in any of the bathrooms. _Wait, isn't there 3 bathrooms at Hollywood Arts? Oh my god? How the hell did I forget? So stupid._

Jade was now on a mission. She had to find the 3rd bathroom that her and Cat used to pour their hearts out to one another – usually about their deadbeat parents. _Where the hell is it?_ Jade hasn't been to the isolated bathroom in about 3 years; the two stopped going together when they drifted apart when Jade found Beck. She had less time for Cat; she had to focus on her boyfriend. Cat didn't seem to mind anyway, it's not like she talked to Jade about it or anything. Not that she would of even if she wanted to.

Cat figured that she did something to send her away. It seems to happen to her a lot. Firstly her parents, then Jade, and then pretty much all of her exes. They bailed. They always do. Friends, family, boyfriends; they only stay for a while. She told herself she's not good enough, that she ruins everything at her touch. She didn't like Jade's distance, but she certainly didn't want to quiz her about it either. She didn't want to make her leave completely, not after her parents. If Jade really left like they did, Cat would break. Because when Jade leaves, Cat knows she's lost everything.

It took Jade a whole lot of kicking herself to remember where the bathroom was. It hasn't been in use for about 6 years apparently. People used to vandalise it and the principle decided there was no use in funding for it to be refurbished and just, left it. People stopped using it and eventually just forgot about it.

This place is special to Jade though. Here is where Jade first really connected with Cat; she was lost and Jade decided to help by re-directing her to her class. Jade smiles at the memory; ever since then they clicked and in no time they began opening up to each other. Cat was the first to spill on her family though, Jade was always a bit more hesitant of letting people in encase they hurt her. Like… like her father.

Just before reaching the bathroom, the bell went signalling Jade to go to her next lesson. At first, she thought screw it, but eventually after realising what her next class was she decided not to skip, - R&B vocals - one of her faves. Plus, she's skipped this class too many times already, and her teacher might start to notice.

Jade regrets not skipping as soon as she gets to class because now, it feels like a necessity to Jade, visiting that bathroom. She just has to go in there. Jades desperate to get inside there again, almost forgetting the reason she wanted to go there in the first place. It's less about finding Cat and more about reminiscing in the very room her and Cat had become so close. Maybe tomorrow, she thinks. _Yeah, tomorrow._

* * *

_**A/N: Please bare in mind that this is a first for me, and i know it's not even close to the standards set on here. But, I'm new and I'm learning :)**  
_

**_Please review, I'd like to hear what you think. Any Ideas, critiques, all is welcome.  
_**

**_Oh, also, I live in the UK so some of the spellings - depending on where you're from - will be slightly different. For example, in some countries, 'realise' is spelt with a 'z'.  
_**


	2. Desperation

No-one understands.

Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.

A/N: The bold represents past events :)

* * *

The next day, Jade's mind is set on one thing. That bathroom. The anticipation is starting to get to her now. She just wants it to be lunch already. Her patience is running dry.

* * *

**The two girls sit leaning up against the wall for support. They're aching. Both inside and out for Jade. Her wrists are pulsing, begging her to cave in and give them attention. But, she won't. She never does after she's finished. She's repulsed by her actions immediately after she's acted out. Two new scars, the beauty of it. The smaller girl is done talking. **

**The two girls are befriended by silence, and it's comfortable. Jade knows not how to comfort the girl anymore then Cat knows how to receive it. They've both been neglected in terms of love and nurturing. Their unfamiliar with the dealing of feelings and how to express them, so instead, they remain silent, bottling everything up until they can't take it anymore. Jade cuts, Cat cries. **

**It's Jade's turn to speak now, but she's still hesitant. She knows that the smaller girl won't hurt her it's just more out of habit that she's resistant and closed-off. Cat senses this and all she needs to do to relax the taller girl is to rest her hand on the same spot that Tori had just a few days earlier. Cat's the only one aloud to touch Jade. She trusts her, likes her contact. **

**Its a few hours later and the girls had released every drop of emotion onto the floor, ready to leave and count down the days until they can't take it anymore and return to this very spot. The cycle repeats, Jade cuts more and Cat keeps crying. Nothing changed much from each time they visited the bathroom except the time period of days before each visit. At first, it was every few months, then it became weeks and then it was almost daily. **

**The girls shared their secrets and stripped their emotions bare into this bathroom, temporarily escaping the pain. They covered one another with band aids; praying that it was enough to finally heal. But, they were far too deep now to get out. Although talking did numb the pain, it would never make it fully go away. It wasn't permanent, just temporary. It would always come back. It was attached to them. **

**Though, they were exceptionally grateful. Grateful for their undeniable friendship, grateful for each other; because without Cat, Jade probably wouldn't be breathing right now, and without Jade, Cat wouldn't be any better off than Jade would have. They needed each other. They still need each other. **

**The pair were inseparable. No-one understood their relationship. They were complete opposites but, so very alike. They're differences practically slotted into each other, colliding perfectly. They made sense. They were the perfect match and no-one knew this more than them. But, then came Beck and there went Jade. Cat was alone. Cat had lost her release, her reason, her hope. Jade left, Cat became vulnerable. Her scaffolding collapsed... Everything changed.**

* * *

By the time lunch comes about, Jade doesn't even bother going to the asphalt café. Jade didn't care for food or coffee right now, all she wanted was to spend as much time in that bathroom as she could. She wanted to feel connected to Cat again. She wanted to relive it all. She re-traces her steps from the previous day to find her way back to the bathroom. Proud, she throws the door open and is greeted by the familiar graffiti on the walls. This feels good.

She runs her hand along the walls as she walks until she gets closer to the iconic spot her and Cat used to sit before she halts. She kneels down, hovering – not wanting to get her jeans dirty – and scans the area, reaching out once again to the wall.

**Cat and Jade. Friends forever. :)**

She traces her fingers around the outline and as expected, this brings a slight tinge to her eye; remembering the day she had carved it onto the wall. Cat just couldn't stop giggling, she thought it was beautiful. Small things like that mean a lot to Cat, simple gestures. It warms her. Jade will never forget the look on Cat's face when she had read it aloud to her.

Jade's really crying now. Happy tears. Jade chuckles while running the back of her hand across her cheek and under her eyes, catching the tears. She just can't stop smiling. She was engulfed in memories she forgot she even had. Some… not so good. She's immediately flooded by pain and heartbreak when she realises that somewhere inside of her, a piece of her is pleading for Cat. She didn't think you could miss a person this much. She didn't know how much she needed the younger girl until now where endless slideshows of emotions play over her.

Jade's no longer crying happy tears.

* * *

She doesn't know how long she's been in this bathroom now, but it's for sure her new favourite place. The pain she's feeling isn't enough to intimidate her from everything she had here with Cat. It's all that she wants now. It seems like hours have passed but seeing as the bell hasn't signalled, she knows she still has time to reflect.

She's exhausted by this point and wouldn't mind just curling up and drifting away in sleep, which she probably would have if she wasn't jolted upright by the sound of someone opening the door. _Thank god it's stiff_. No-one can see Jade like this. She has to hide.

She struggles steadying her breath once she's inside one of the cubicles, with the door firmly locked. The footsteps are light, soft. _This definitely isn't a guy. Not even Sinjin's or Robbie's footsteps are this delicate. What the hell are they even doing in here? Out of all the bathrooms in Hollywood Arts, they just had to choose this one. Do people deliberately do shit like this to piss me o_- Jade's thoughts are interrupted by a clank of someone's bag dropping to the floor. This made Jade jump slightly, but not enough to sound her vocal chords. _Fucking idiot._

She placed her hand over her heart in an attempt to soothe and calm it down a bit. Taking a deep breath, she placed her ear to the door, longing for something – a clue perhaps – as to who this idiot is. Nothing – _wait no… nope, just bag rustling._

* * *

A few long minutes later of Jade mentally throwing her head repeatedly against the door, there's movement. Whoever this person is, they obviously need to pee or something. _Either that or- well no. Why else would they enter a cubicle? _This is it, this is Jade's escape. She slowly unlocks the door and gently drags the door open, praying to god it doesn't creek. Success. Jade knows to be fast, yet sleek and careful. She's a pro at this sort of stuff, considering she's had years of experience of sneaking out without her parent's notice. Avoid all obstacles at all costs.

Finally, when reaching the exit, she wraps her fingers around the handle. For whatever reason, she impulsively turns around and examines the scene. _Wait, Cat's here? That's definitely Cat's bag_. A steady forming smile crept up her face before it was forcefully dropped back down when she actually thought about something. _Why is Cat here? First of all, she should be with Sikowitz, and second, Why the hell has she come all the way here just to use the bathroom? _Something's not right. Jade backs away from the door, releasing her grip on the handle, suddenly cautious. She silently made her way to the cubicle and placed her palm on the wooden door. Rustling- _What is she doi – oh my god…_

_she's being sick._

* * *

_A/N: I know this chapter isn't very long, but i got lazy. I'm still not sure if i should continue this or not, so if you want me to carry on, just review :)  
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_Sorry about the bold, i know it can kind of be overwhelming.  
_

_Review! :)  
_


	3. Anchor

No one understands.

Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious.

Chapter 3

* * *

Jade was stunned. She couldn't move. Her hand remained on the wooden, hollow door; she just couldn't make herself take her hand off of it. It seemed like hours had passed; listening to Cat torture herself. She just couldn't understand. Everything went blank in Jade. She couldn't think straight and her vocal chords were not co-operating with her.

She finally found something in herself to speak, to say something, but as her mouth unwillingly opened, nothing came out. Not even a breath; it's like she'd suddenly forgotten how to breathe. To Jade, the few seconds she stood there felt like a lifetime. Her thoughts were racing too fast to be healthy and her emotions were all over the place. Her chest was heavy, and her legs were numb.

How is she supposed to feel about this? Should she pity Cat at this point, or should she feel anger towards the red-headed girl behind the door for doing such a thing? Nothing made sense; she was in denial. Cat wouldn't do this to herself. _She wouldn't do this to me._

* * *

Jade hadn't moved since she had stumbled to the outside of Cat's cubicle. The only thing that seems to be functioning properly at this stage are Jade's tear ducts. She's silently sobbing, with her stomach kicking her sides from the inside every time her ears pick up on Cat's heaving. Jade can't do this, but she has to. She's not prepared. Jade's still reluctant to move even though she knows Cat should be opening the door anytime now. She just can't bring herself to.

She still can't feel anything.

She's aware that she's shaking, she's aware her heartbeat is going about 3x it's normal pace, and she's aware of Cat's every movement. Jade brings her eyes up from the floor, focusing on the back of her hand which will soon fall as the door opens. Jade's ears have become really sensitive, she's sure she can hear both her's and Cat's breathing. They're both uneven, attempting to steady. Her eye's snap up to where the lock would be if it were on the outside.

The doors being unlocked.

She's opening the door.

Jade drops her eyes again, along with her hand. Her head is pulsing and it's all getting a bit too much. Her knees are weak and she just can't look Cat in the eyes right now. She feels like the one that needs support. She's feels like the vulnerable one.

She has to be strong, she's playing a part. But, she's nothing like her character right now. She's not brave, strong or courageous. Right now, Jade would happily run away from everything and hide away from Cat's defeated eyes. But, she can't, the scene hasn't ended yet.

* * *

They're both a mess. Cat's panicking, hyperventilating and Jade's screaming on the inside. _This cannot be fucking happening_. Cat hasn't switched her gaze since her eyes met Jade's. Like Jade, she's frozen. Her eyes are cloudy and barely able to make out the older girl's outline, which is good news for Cat in the sense that now she doesn't have to look into Jade's. She can't deal with that pain. The pain of judgement and rejection.

_Anyone else but Jade._

* * *

The bell sounded long before now, but they were in no hurry to leave. The girl's remain sat in the spots which were made for them, claimed as their belongings a long time ago. None of the girls have said anything yet, but Jade's sure she heard a sorry somewhere hidden between the small girl's sharp breaths. Cat's eyes are clamped shut while Jade's focused on the floor. They know no-one will look for them, because Jade no longer has Beck and Cat never really had anyone. She had Jade once, but that was a long time ago.

Jade _should_ say something, but she has so many questions speeding through her head, and she can't settle on one for long enough to vocalise them. It's no use. Cat's stopped crying, Jade noticed. She's noticing everything about the girl now, more than she was before. She's alert, and every cry for help Cat's ever made is apparent to Jade_. _

_It was so fucking obvious._ _Why didn't I get it?_ She had used trigger words, words that meant a lot to them. Words that meant I need you right now. They went unnoticed, she was busy with Beck.

Cat means more to Jade then Beck ever did, and right now, given the circumstances, she wished she never met Beck. She wouldn't have fallen, and she wouldn't have left Cat. She wouldn't be hurting right now. If she had been around like she used to, she would have stopped this long before it started. She would've prevented the girl from harming and depriving herself. She wouldn't have missed the signs.

I guess now we know why she's so small.

* * *

There was a certain desperation lingering around the two girls. Cat needed to know what Jade was thinking. She couldn't stand not knowing what was running through her mind. She needed to know if Jade was going to leave again. She needed to know if Jade was judging her. She _needed_ to see through Jade's eyes, because then she'd know how everything was going to play out.

Cat, in her vulnerable state, already decided that Jade was gone completely now. Before, Jade left but she didn't _really_ leave. She was still with her partly, and only came back for minimal time periods. But this time Cat was convinced she was gone completely. She was still uncertain though, because, after all, Jade was still sat beside her.

Jade was still far to numb for comfort. She craved to feel something, whether it's regret, pain, warmth, anything. She welcomed any type sense of feeling that she even had begun pinching herself a few minutes ago. Her skin was red and flaming, but she felt nothing.

Jade and Cat's arms were touching too, but, Jade couldn't feel that either. She couldn't feel Cat's skin on her own, and she definitely couldn't feel her warmth. She misses her warmth. Her only proof that there was even contact in the first place was that she could see it. The only senses that were somewhat functioning decently, were her sight and hearing; everything else seemed broken.

Jade needs to know, she needs to find out. She's waited too long and she needs to know why this is all happening. She's going to try, she has to try.

"Cat..." It was barely audible, but still heard by the younger red-headed girl. Cat didn't respond initially. It took her a few long seconds to find her vocal chords. Jade's not particularly patient, but for right now, for Cat, she's okay with waiting.

"J-Jade?" The pain in her broken voice stung Jade, and the weight on her chest grew heavier, almost enough to make the girl double over. She just couldn't handle seeing Cat broken again, like she used to be - like _they_ used to be.

"I just want to know... I want to know why." If Jade is hurting this bad, she'd hate to imagine what Cat's feeling right now. The questions, the guilt… the shame.

Cat's unresponsive. Her breathings become shallow and hard to trace - it's like she's dead. The same hand that held onto the door reached up to Cat's face, caressing her cheek before it latched onto her chin, pivoting her head. Jade's fingers were resting on Cat's dried tears making her suddenly desperate. "please... Cat. Please." She was pleading, something Jade rarely does and hasn't done for years. Cat hestitantly met Jade's eyes for proof, proof that she cared.

She needed to know this was real and not some messed up dream of hers. She has a lot of those. Jade's eyes were glassy, allowing Cat to see her own reflection in them. _Those beautiful, disconnected eyes. _The pain disappears for a slim moment when she knows this is sincere, Jade really does care. _She didn't forget_.

Soon enough everything floods back and Cat tears her eyes away from Jade's, pulling her head gently out of her grasp. She doesn't want to look at Jade anymore. It makes everything hurt.

"I... I'm sorry, Jade. I'm so stupid, I wasn't careful, and I know... Jade I didn't mean it to go this far... But I just.. I, you weren't supposed to be here...you, I.." The tears were flowing too fast to be caught, her eyes were swimming, and her breath was shaking. Not the mention the girl was full on trembling.

Jade feels even worse now knowing she's the cause. But even worse than that, Cat's apologising. She's apologising not for doing what she was - still doing- whatever - but for her finding out. Jade rests her head on the girl's shoulder and successfully silences her. She can't hear this from her, not while she's in this state. She'll wait; she'll wait for a little while longer, until she's better.

* * *

Jade wouldn't think twice about leaving the girl alone. Jade drove home, packed her things - while a confused, dazed Cat sat in the car - making sure she packed enough including her toiletries, before making her way back out to Cat with a full weeks' worth of clothes in a large sack that hung from her shoulder.

Cat honestly wasn't too sure on how to take all of this. She and Jade hadn't had a sleepover _- is that what this is? A sleepover_? - In years and now all of a sudden Jade has packed a lifetime of clothes, without even asking for her input or permission. Cat didn't have a choice here, Jade wasn't about to give Cat the option when she knew exactly what she'd say if she had. 'I'll be okay, its fine now. You don't have to stay'. No way was Jade up for that argument.

They didn't exchange much conversation during the car journey; it was all feeling too surreal to Cat. It was almost kind of like nothing had changed. It was almost kind of like when it was just Jade and Cat.

_JadeandCat_.

She lets a smile form, feeling her dried tears crack. It was like Jade fought everything bad away. She was her medicine, her Band-Aids. The cure to her messed up, shattered heart. Jade was going to fix Cat. She was going to help make everything better.

* * *

As the girls pull up to Cat's empty home, Jade reaches over and takes Cat's keys from her front short's pocket. Cat, startled by the sudden contact, flinches away from the window, striking her head around to face Jade. Jade had no reaction to Cat's performance, and just simply smiled as if she knew it was coming.

Climbing out the car and grabbing her bag from the back seat, Jade marched over to the familiar house and unlocked the door, chucking her bag on the sofa when she got inside. Jade was definitely the authority figure here. Without even facing the confused red-head she instructed her to keep the front door open - figuring they won't be here for long - while she strode over to the fridge, only to open it and reveal its bareness.

It made Jade uncomfortable; it was like it was naked. Jade turned to Cat and even from their distance, the shame and embarrassment on the small girl's face was as clear as anything, making Jade slightly pity the girl. Jade returned over in the direction of both Cat and the door, picking up her keys and phone with one hand, and grabbing Cat's with the other.

The contact comforted them both, which is saying something as Jade never lets anyone touch her, let alone makes contact in the first place; and it's_ not_ something she enjoys. Cat's thee exception.

The warmth from their hands sent butterflies through both the girls, making Cat feel both at ease, and on edge from the affection which she obviously wasn't familiar with. Jade would never admit this, but as she continued to assist the girl back out to the car, unlocking it and setting the fragile girl in, she couldn't restrain a smile. She'd even made the effort to strap her in.

Jade's parenting was alarming to Cat, not because it's something Jade would never do, but because it's completely alien to her. Never once had her parents done this for her.

* * *

The way Jade held onto Cat as they made their way around the supermarket - as Jade aimlessly threw all sorts of foods into the basket - made Cat feel safe, secure. She hadn't felt like this in months, perhaps even years. Daniel had once been her anchor, but he never had the effect that Jade did.

Daniel could only stop Cat floating away for so long, before it became a hazard and vital to drag her back in. He made Cat steady, but being with Danny always made her feel on edge and nervous. She knew he could only do so much. The weight of his anchor couldn't match the weight of Cat's float, and she knew - as did he - that it was only a matter of time before he wouldn't be able to hold her down anymore.

She knew he'd leave, too. Danny was just a temporary solution to one of Cat's many problems. He was just another desperate attempt of replacing Jade.

She knew no one could replace Jade, no matter how great they may be. It was just never the same. None of her dummies made her feel way Jade did. She couldn't recreate what her and Jade no matter how hard she tried. Cat just wanted someone to make her feel better; she wanted someone to cuddle with when she was upset. She wanted someone to hold her while she cried for hours on end until her lungs caved... like Jade did.

She wanted a Jade. But, like Daniel, they could never compare. _They were never Jade._ It wasn't their fault; it's just the way it was. Jade just wasn't Cat's anchor.

Being with Jade was different. It was always simple for them to be with each other, it came naturally. It wasn't forced. It was what it was. She was the real thing, the original. The one thing no-one could live up to.

Jade was everything Cat wanted.

_Jade was everything Cat couldn't have. _

* * *

When they were together, they weren't the Jade and Cat everyone else knew. There was Cat, and then there was Jade, but, when they were together, they collided so perfectly and sleekly; they became somewhat the same person. There was a difference, but it was one so small and precise, that it doesn't exist to the untrained eye.

They were like magnets, Jade being South, and Cat being north. They have an undeniable attraction to one another, and when close enough, their bond becomes so strong it's hard to destroy without a large force.

Cat always figured that their force was Beck.

Cat had the impression that Beck had the power to drag Jade and her apart, preventing them from rekindling by stealing one from the other. He had the ability to separate the girls so far that their attraction became too weak. Although, it wasn't quite like that; Jade had gone willingly, which hurt cat most of all. The idea that Jade wasn't stolen or forced felt like the end to Cat, because Jade went away happily. She left her without a second thought.

Cat would have preferred her life to be more like and action-packed drama, showing on the big screen. If it had been, she'd know the plot, and she'd have the perfect the ending. Jade would've been stolen away as some sort of ultimatum for Cat's safety and eventually, Cat would found her way back to Jade and they'd live happily ever after - they'd be some explosions, dramatic music and a few sob scenes of course. It would've been perfect. But, Cat's life isn't a movie. Cat won't live happily ever after, and Cat will never have what she had with Jade again.

Jade went willingly, she wasn't forced and she wasn't blackmailed. She went with beck, arm in arm. She didn't need Cat to chase her, because after all, there was no reason for her to be chased. Jade went with Beck because she fell in love. If Cat had been selfish and held Jade captive, Beck would've been the hero and Cat would've been the villain. The whole story would be reversed; it wouldn't be Cat and Jade fighting for freedom, it would be Beck and Jade. That's not the plot Cat wanted.

* * *

By this time, the several baskets were filled and were being checked out by the cashier, while Cat was looking abruptly disturbed by the sight. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the 4 baskets filled to the brim with brightly coloured packaged foods. She hopes Jade isn't expecting her to eat all if this. No way.

Cat had trouble finishing a bag of chips, let alone any of these microwavable dinners. For one, the portions are way too big for Cat and two; Cat would no way in hell eat foods with as much calories as this, even if she did end up purging. This is crazy, Jade is crazy. Cat is not going to eat any of this crap. It's inexcusable.

Jade can't really expect her to eat all this right? Especially now that her brother is away. With him away, she can't get rid of the food as efficiently. When he usually goes away, dealing becomes harder for Cat. She has a lot more time on her hands, fewer distractions and more temptations. Everything becomes harder to resist. She slips up, eats, then everything gets too much and the guilt rips Cat into bits. It's why it's become so hard to deal with.

It was simple before. When Cat felt as if she ate too much, she'd deal with it. But then, she became obsessed. It spiralled out of control and she eventually stopped eating altogether. Of course, she did have to eat eventually, but when she did, she'd end up eating the smallest amounts yet somehow, it was always 'too much'.

Cat couldn't stand the idea of so much food in her stomach. It made her feel horrible and sluggish. And greedy. When she couldn't deal with the guilt and shame of caving in, she'd fix it. She makes herself sick and empties her insides. She liked of thinking as matching the inside to how she felt on the outside. The prospect of making it so the exterior of your body lines up with what people can't see on the inside- in her case, alone, empty and just the generalness of having nothing - had appealed to her. It made sense. She felt broken, so she reflected this physically. That way her mental state synchronized with her physique. It was sort of beautiful. Unappreciated beauty of course, kind of like Jade.

Everything that gives Jade her beauty is ignored because people are too narrow-minded and arrogant to look past her exterior. They're afraid of getting to know the girl on the inside either because they're scared of what they'll find, or because just the general idea of getting to know someone who appeared that cold seemed pointless and outrageous. The little quirks that make her up are brushed off as nothing, but to Cat, she appreciates every glimpse she gets.

Like, how she looks down in order to avoid meeting your eyes when she's blushing. Or like when she's confused or caught off guard and she gets this cute, bewildered look where she furrows her eyebrows and her eyes get slightly wide. _Like how she hugs me when no one's around and tells me she loves me and couldn't have a better friend_. The Jade no one sees, the Jade that's kept a secret.

It's beautiful how one simple act could manipulate people into thinking you're someone you have nothing in common with. Jade isn't cold, and Jade isn't heartless either. Nor is Cat just a ditzy red-head. Cats learnt to smile to distract everyone from what's underneath, and Jade has made herself unapproachable completely so no one even comes close.

Cat and Jade, The girls who have everyone fooled. Everyone... except each other.

* * *

A/N: Not exactly happy with this chapter, but i'll deal. Oh, also halfway through this chapter i sort of changed from spectating Jade and giving her insight on things to Cat's without realising. Let me know who's side you wanna here more from and whose you prefer(?)

Please review and tell me what you think :)


	4. Broken Promises

No one understands.

Disclaimer: do I really have to do this for every chapter? *sigh* No, I do not own Victorious.

Chapter 4

* * *

It took Cat a few moments to realise Jade's hold on the girl. She was totally relaxed, simply rubbing the petites girl's arm with her thumb absentmindedly. Upon looking up to the taller girl in disbelief, she noticed that Jade as clearly elsewhere. She was obviously deep in thought and Cat caught herself wondering if Jade knew that she looked so glorious, and so angelic.

She was searching Jade's expression, she couldn't quite put her finger on what emotions she must be feeling right now. Cat's seen pretty much every single one of Jade's emotions; she's seen the way her face transitions, as new emotions flicker through her eyes. But this, this was different. She's never seen this before, and she can't quite work out what's hidden behind those stormy, blue-green eyes.

It was the cashier that grabbed both their attentions and abruptly pulled them away from their thoughts. Jade must've felt Cat's eyes on her because out of nowhere she tore her gaze from the several piles of tins and packets of foods they'll soon have to pack which she's been staring at for a while now, to Cat's already searching eyes. A rare smile crossed her lips; a smile so beautiful, so mesmerising it gets Cat wondering why she doesn't smile often.

She's missed this so much, this comfort; it makes her melt. Cat snakes her arms around the older girl's waist, clutching onto her hips as if her life depends on it. She knows Jade wont approve, but she doesn't care; she's cold and limp and needs Jade's warmth to make her feel that little bit better. She rests her head on her shoulder, puling her into a tight hug.

"Thank you, Jade." Her voice barely making it into whisper. Cat's not sure why she chose to do this, and she's also unsure on her reasoning behind thanking the girl in the first place. It just felt like the right thing to do. It was an impulse, spontaneous. She wasn't expecting Jade to react at all. She actually half expected to be pushed off of her out of disgust, but that never came.

A couple of seconds into the hug, she felt Jade's arms wrap around her shoulders, sparking something in Cat causing her to hold onto her even tighter, so much so, she could now feel Jade's hipbone compressing into her one of her wrists. Jade responded to the growing pressure on her hip by pecking Cat on the side of her head, causing one of Cat's hairs to stick to her moist lips. Cat relaxed, much to her relief. She was starting to lose circulation.

Jade wanted Cat to know she wasn't going anywhere in her state of vulnerability… without the use of words. And this was the only way she could think to do so.

She knows Cat values gestures over just having someone's word. She needs to be shown that you mean your words, she needs something legitimate; solid proof. She learnt from past experience that people can always tell you they care, but they don't necessarily mean it. People use special words, and throw them around just as a way to get something from you; it makes things easier for themselves. Words like 'care', 'love' and 'friendship' don't mean much to Cat anymore, they've lost all meaning.

Cat puts all faith into her heart, allowing it to carry her off with no sense of direction. She doesn't think rationally about it; she has a habit of ignoring her head, blocking out all logic. She doesn't like it when her brain tells her this is wrong. That she shouldn't trust people. She doesn't like it when her brain reminds her of their true intentions.

She knows people take advantage of her. She knows people blatantly lie to her with no regards for her feelings, but somehow, she can't bring herself to stop. To stop trusting, to stop believing. She knows that it's all lies, that they're words designed to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to. She complies anyway, because she knows the true meaning of the words used, and she wants others to too. She can't help but cave, even though she's fully aware of the consequences.

Trust is a delicate thing for Cat; it's easily shattered. You'd naturally think that each time it's damaged and picked at, she'd learn. You'd think she'd learn and she'd be more hesitant. She should be wearier; more careful with who she gives it to. But she doesn't, and she's not. Every fibre in her body should scream 'trust no one', much like Jades, but she's reluctant to go down that road. She chooses to let people in so easily, so openly, even though underneath it all she's terrified. She has faith, faith in everyone; even those who don't deserve it. Like her parents.

She'll tell herself 'this time is different', that they wont hurt her. She likes to believe. She likes to believe in people because the idea of someone deliberately disregarding someone's feelings in order to get something they want doesn't happen. It's wrong, and she likes to think that it wont happen despite herself. She know it's not about 'if' and 'how' but 'when' and 'why'. Deep down, she knows that at the end of it all, they'll break her, but the small chance that they wont, and the off chance that it will mean something to them too, makes the risk seem rational.

_Can't they see she's already broken? Can't they see she just wants someone to trust in?_ _Can't they see that she just wants someone to love?_ She's constantly paranoid, and given her history it's excusable. She needs someone to find her broken pieces and mend her; someone to fill in her cracks and her chipped china. That's what Jade's determined to do, it's what she hopes to happen. However, it's easier said than done.

Jade needs Cat to meet her halfway. There's no point in applying a bandage if you don't clean the wound first. Cat needs to accept that Jade's here to help, and not to punish her. It's something she has to come to terms with, and something that she's not easily going to give in to. Not this time.

Cat's wounds are deep, and she's too busy letting them bleed.

* * *

The feeling of Jade's lips upon her head caused for a suddenly light-headed Cat. She engaged into autopilot and immediately clamped her eyes shut so she could really appreciate Jade's embrace. A hug from Jade was better then anything she could think of. Puppies, rainbows, happiness… everything. And the kiss… the kiss on the side of her head sent a warm rush of energy straight through her body. It had a ripple effect; starting from the source and making it's way right down to the tips of her toes. Tingles replaced the spot where Jade's lips once met, and right now, she feels like she could accomplish anything.

"Everything's going to be okay Cat. Everything's going to go fine."

* * *

Jade knew this wasn't going to be easy. She knew reassuring Cat back in the supermarket was what needed to happen, but she wasn't entirely just reassuring Cat; she needed it just as much as Cat did. She knew it was going to take time for Cat to adapt.

Jade literally hasn't left the redhead's side since she stumbled upon her in the bathroom. Although not much time has passed since then, a lot has changed. There are rules, boundaries. Jade practically lives with Cat, only ever leaving when she needs a set of fresh clothes. And, even then Cat's taken with her. Jade took it upon herself to take up a new role in order to benefit Cat. She figures in order to help Cat, she has to parent her first.

It's kind of awkward actually, considering Jade wasn't really parented herself as a kid, so she's basically going off of what she's seen in movies and common sense. Although, she does like the idea of having more control over Cat. And it's not like it would be hard to enforce the idea of Jade having the control, mainly because Cat's easily intimidated.

As far as meals go, Jade wasn't entirely sure which way to go about it. Should she make sure Cat eats large amounts of food at each sitting or should she give her strict diet to follow? Cat made sure Jade told no one about the whole thing, so that ruled out getting any advice from others. And it's not like she could go to the hospital about her dilemma anyway, because she's sure they'd fuck up somehow.

Her hypothetical questions would probably attract more attention then necessary, and being the complete morons that they are, chances are that they'd endorse them both into treatment out of pure stupidity. It seems just like the sort of thing that would happen to them. Especially considering that the last time Cat stepped foot into any hospital she was sent straight to the mental ward, leaving Jade behind demanding her release for hours before she got anywhere. _They assume things, like Vega._

Plus, she did make a promise – a pinkie one at that- that she wouldn't mention anything to anyone. Besides, Cat's way too paranoid at the moment, she's convinced that everyone is out to get her and taking her to the hospital with her to ask questions wont do much good. Cat needs to be able to trust her again, and its going to take sacrifice. Having said that, if Cat gets any worse than she is now, Jade will check her straight into a treatment program herself, no question about it.

However, she did do her best to find out as much as she could online. It caused nothing but annoyance for Jade. No matter what she typed into Google, all that seemed to come up was signs of bulimia/anorexia, and absolutely nothing about how to help them once they've been diagonsed. Every single _fucking_ site, '_Treatment program this'_, and '_treatment program that'._ _Do they not understand that __not__ everyone can get up and hop off to treatment?_

Although, she did come across an article saying something about people with bulimia not being able to stop eating once they start, which ruled out option number 1. Other than that, the only other thing she could come up with was setting strict diets in place, so that's what she's going to do. But surely that should've been obvious. _C'mon West, fucking start using your head. You__**. Cannot**__. Screw this up. Goddamn it Jade, a bit of common sense would be nice._

* * *

Jade had even gone to the effort of drawing up a mealtime chart. And of course, Jade being Jade, grew irritated within a matter of minutes, initiating a long chain of complaints and muttered curses under her breath about her new profound hatred for paper and markers. (Possibly in result of the several paper cuts she sustained.) Also, she's not exactly the most patient person around, and given the circumstances – and the amount of failed attempts thrown to the floor in frustration – she's not to blame for her bitterness. She managed, though. 9th attempt.

The diet sheet consisted of a number of meals set throughout the day, in small portions. Let's just say it took a while to actually come up with the meals she was to put into the chart, but eventually she selected the healthiest of meals she knew how to cook. Cat wasn't involved in picking out the meals, and she wasn't involved in choosing the times for the meals and portion sizes either. And not just because she had no idea about it.

She's still distancing herself from Jade, and in doing so she has avoided all personal topics. Quite frankly, Jade's sick of all the pointless small talk. She's sick of Cat pretending everything's okay when it's not. It's so stressful not being able to get answers. She's needs to vent, she's being consumed by stress and soon enough she'll snap.

Oh how she'd love to walk upstairs into Cat's room right now and chop up some of those unnecessary, stupid teddy bears with a pair of her favourite scissors. _Seriously, who needs all that shit. How would anyone benefit from having so many teddy bears? Would it be too much to ask for just for one, just one little bear?_ She's sick of being stuck inside, and it's only been a few days. She needs to allow her skin to breathe; it's suffocating in here, and Jade is slowly losing all her patience.

Another day or two, and she'll completely lose her fucking mind.

* * *

"Hey Cat? _Caaaaaaaat?"_ Jade pushed herself up from the cream sofa, (grunting as she did so,) before heading over to the fridge and collaging the magnets in such a way, pinning up her newly made mealtime chart. It was hard to trace Cat's feather-like footsteps descending down the stairs, and had the TV been on – or any other noise source really – she'd of gone completely undetected.

"Cat, can you come here? …please?" The goth-girl clearly wasn't used to using her manners; only complying when remembering who it was she was talking to. She doesn't need Cat to feel like she's bossing her around, even though she kind of has been these past few days. She really doesn't need another reason for Cat to hate her.

When reaching the raven-haired girl's side, Cat simply stared ahead of her, looking upon the colourful sheet of paper she'd seen Jade pin up. Jade, who was proudly ogling the diet sheet, gave Cat a moment to ponder her suspicions, before turning, skinny smile apparent on her face, waiting for a pair of warm, glistening brown eyes to meet hers. It never came. Although a pair of eyes did meet hers, they weren't the ones she'd been expecting. These were dull, worn, and strained. These were strangers. It was discomforting to Jade; knowing that these eyes did in fact belong to the younger redhead.

She didn't say anything for a while; she was busy studying Cat's eyes. It was obvious on the physical side of things that Cat hadn't slept for very long. Not that she didn't already know that. The past two nights Cat kept Jade up most of the night silently weeping. It tore Jade to pieces; feeling so hopeless lying there while Cat cried herself to sleep next to her. She did try, she cuddled with her while simultaneously whispering words of encouragement and reassurance into the girls trembling form. Nothing seemed to work.

That aside, as far as emotions go, Cat's eyes showed nothing. Her pupils were masking her every emotion, making them undetectable. They're still beautiful though, Jade thought. And true, they were. Cat was stunning, and she didn't even try. It's one of the things Jade really valued about Cat. Not her beauty, but her obliviousness to it all. Here she is, in sweat pants and a tee, no make-up, hair tied back, and she still has Jade mesmerised.

Minutes passed before Jade said anything – or blurted for that matter. She didn't think she'd say it. She was pondering different ways to ask the girl, circling the question before it accidentally fell out of her mouth. Jade merely summoned the girl to explain the chart, and here she is trying desperately to recover her mistake. But it's too late. It was simple question, - more of a demand actually, - but its significance is huge. To anyone else, it means nothing. But to Jade and Cat, it's everything. If Cat takes this the wrong way, and gets offended by Jade's lack of respect for privacy, then Jade's already ruined everything. She'd have ruined everything before it's even started. _Too soon._

"_Cat, I need you to tell me what happened." _

* * *

A/N: Okay, I'll admit. I got completely stuck on this chapter and tanked it. Think of it more as filler. Oh, and if you didn't already guess, the sentences in italics are thoughts.

Please review and tell me what you liked and what you didn't. Feel free to share ideas if you wish. All is appreciated :)


	5. Darkness

No one understands

Disclaimer: I wished I owned Victorious.

A/N: In response to one of the reviewers: all text in bold represents flashbacks in a general POV. So, in previous chapters, the block bold paragraphs are prior to everything and is set years before now. I was going to use italics for that, but I used them for thoughts instead. Hope this clears that up :). Oh, and I'll try to keep the paragraph lengths to a minimal.

* * *

Wherever she is, she doesn't like it here. It's dark, and very secluded. She's lonesome here.

She knows this place quite well; this isn't the first unexpected visit she's made. She's terrified. She never remembers the journey here, she's not even sure when she left. Did she leave? Cat's been here so many times now she's not sure if she even can leave. She's stuck here, wandering around aimlessly, hoping she'll come across her way out.

She misses the lights. She misses when she could see clearly without the darkness and fog clogging her vision. Everything came easier there; she had everything she could ask for. Family, friends... Jade. Her trips to this place came rarely before, but now every time she winds up here her stay is indefinite. Once she discovered this place, it became difficult to stop coming back. It's scary yeah, but it's simpler. Drama free.

To be in existence here is effortless, it comes easier than is does in the lights. You can't see or hear anything that doesn't matter. In the lights, every inch of you is magnified, the light follows you, and all your flaws become visible. There's no escaping your fears there, and your insecurities intensify. But there's a difference between living and just existing.

Occupying space with no regards for time seems more carefree to Cat. Everything passes by in flashes, and it doesn't matter if she's always present to see them or not. Being here allows her to float between fantasy and reality, and no one else has a damn say.

But...she misses the lights.

* * *

Living is a far more elaborate process. It involves a beginning, middle, and an end, all equally inevitable. Why should she choose to live a life when all she's interested in is the end? She has no meaning, so why would she waste it pretending she has? It's a mess. _One big giant mess._

She's not ungrateful though, despite her ordeal. She tries to hover in-between. When you do that, people can see you, but you can still refuse to see them. Acknowledging them means acknowledging yourself first, and that just seems to cause problems for Cat. She'd rather live a life without confrontation, and for that to happen, she needs to be the best she can be. That way, she wont get picked on and abandoned. That way everyone wins... right?

She tries to enjoy the lights though, when given the chance. She knows it'll only last so long before she's dragged back into the shade. But it's okay, because she knows she will get to see them again one day. Sometimes, she has control over it. Sometimes she can chose which way to go and it gives her a good balance. Sometimes if she misses the lights, she can go, easy. If she's had enough of it, she can go back to where she's not judged. She doesn't always have to be lucid. She doesn't always like the lights. But today, she's not in control. Today she misses them.

She wonders if it's light where Jade is. She wonders if she's ever been where Cat is now, swallowed by darkness. She considered it for a while - Jade in darkness- and realises she doesn't want that for her. Jade is good, kind. She doesn't deserve that. It's not a place for people like Jade; people with meaning...people who bring the light.

Jade's one of them you know, one of those who brings light to others. Jade has something to live for, and it's why she wouldn't fit here. She lives in the lights, but she still can't be certain if she's ever found herself here. It's possible, she may have been here before, and maybe she visits often as well. She used to, that's for sure. But Cat doesn't know that. Neither does Jade.

_But, is she here now?_ She tells herself if she ever did find Jade here, she'd tell her to go away. It's scary here sometimes, and a small part of her wishes Jade was here with her. That way, everything wouldn't seem so bad. It's selfish, really. If Jade does come here though, will Cat be able to find her? It's quite a big place, maybe she'd get lost. But, then again... Maybe this place isn't real. People have told Cat she's not normal. Could it be this active imagination of hers causing this? Could she be hallucinating?

It only seems right to ask, because maybe Jade knows the answers. She's curious, and it all gets too much to think about. She needs to know, because then she'd know where to look.

"Is it bright where you are?"

* * *

_What is she..- Oh._ She remembers. During one of their sessions in the bathroom a few years back she recalls Cat saying something about the 'darkness'. It's surprising to her that she still remembers, but she's always really listened to Cat, especially because others didn't. Cat has a reason behind everything she says, and it's why Jade tries to always pay attention when she speaks. _If she still remembers, she understands._

Cat has a very unique perspective on things. She takes things which are simple, and turns them complex. She dissects every inch of what she's looking at and studies every corner. It helps her understand them more. She analyses everything, and makes comparisons to help with explanations.

The darkness isn't a substance, it's a state of mind Cat has found herself too often divulged in. It was just a way to describe what she felt, another comparison of hers to help Jade understand.

Jade had forgotten about the darkness up until now. Thinking about it, she realises her and Cat spoke about it on more than one occasion. Sometimes, in her darkest days, she understood exactly what Cat had been rambling on about. From then on, every time she spoke about it, Jade made sure she was coherent. She wanted every detail.

She doesn't think she's ever experienced the darkness like Cat has, but perhaps she's had a taste. She had tried to block those memories out, and it had been working until just now when Cat unburied then all. She struck Jade with panic. The fact that she knew the significance of this question made her feel like breaking down. She wouldn't dare though; she's not here for that.

She remembers one particular day, when Cat petrified Jade with her darkness. It was a day Cat was struggling to remain lucid. Really struggling. She had voiced only a few words that day, some which struck Jade like oncoming traffic. Cat was breaking, it was unmistakeable. It was until after school that day that Jade really started to freak out.

* * *

**It was a Thursday, late May. It had been raining, and everybody's moods were running low, especially Cat's. Jade hadn't met Beck at this point, and her and Cat was closer than ever before. She had assumed it was the weather brought Cat down; she never did like the rain. She felt like it was going to drown her. It didn't stop her from sitting in it though, and it was the fact that she wasn't that day that hit Jade as weird.**

**Cat used to walk around in the rain with as minimal clothes on as possible. Sometimes, she'd go out in just a vest top and shorts. It was a few months into her parent problems that she started it all. She thought that if she stood in the rain for long enough, she'd get sick. She hoped getting sick would get her parents to stay; she hoped they'd stay behind and look after her. They looked after he brother while he was sick, for a while at least. That was before it became Cat's job. **

**She was desperate. She wanted nothing more than her parents love, and she never got it. She had broken her arm once falling down the stairs. It wasn't on purpose, but instead of being bummed out, she got excited. She figured that they'd have to come home then. They'd have to come back for a while and sign for her prescription form, but they didn't. They had taken it upon themselves to call her though, pretending they cared. But she didn't mind, she took it as a blessing.**

**She was acting weird all day. She wasn't sitting in the rain, and she had hardly said a word to Jade. Jade thought Cat was mad at her, but she didn't look it. She looked... lost... and somewhat equivocal. She ignored it for the rest of the day, just shrugging it off. But, it was when Cat declined her ride home with Jade when she really knew something was wrong. They always drove home together. They'd drive the long way just so they could sing along to the radio together for a little longer. It was one of their favourite things to do.**

**She had drove straight to Cat's after school. Cat was surprising already home when she got there, so she got straight out of her car not needing to wait around. How she got home so quickly was beyond Jade, and after a few minutes of Cat not answering the door, she decided to let herself in. She had grabbed a bobby pin from her hair, and started picking at the lock. _Another thing Jade was good at._ She threw the door open, causing it to smash against the wall and recline. A little irritated with Cat, (for not letting her in willingly,) she stormed up the stairs cursing under her breath.**

**"Cat, what the fuck-" she divulged, making her presence known, while simultaneously throwing Cat's bedroom door open. Jade picked up on Cat's sobs before her eyes found her. She was crying beside her bed in the fetal position; body curled up, with her head and limbs drawn in, slowly rocking. **

**She was cracking, straight down the middle. She was flooded and overwhelmed with emotions. The atmosphere tells Jade something's extremely wrong. The sight alone tells her this, and she was scared. Jade instantly regretted saying anything and immediately scarpered over to the withdrawn Cat.**

**She dropped to her knees in front of the rocking girl with a thud, and used her hands to steady Cat's head. "Cat! Cat look at me... Cat look at me right now!" Tears formed in her eyes and began to descend her features just as Cat met Jade's eyes. Her eyes were glassy, allowing Jade to see her reflection upon them. She could see her own panic, she wasn't even bothered about concealing it by that time. Cat was more important.**

**"C-Cat, what's wrong?" She'd hit desperation. She struggled to prevent her voice shaking. Despite Jade's efforts to stop the swaying girl, she continued to do so. "Cat y-you need to answer me okay? I can help you, Cat please."**

**Cat was unresponsive. Her eyes were still on Jade's but she didn't seem to be actually looking at her. They were unfocused and disconnected. She was looking through Jade like she didn't exist and she was somewhere else entirely. She was spacey, and it freaked the hell out of Jade. She tried snapping her fingers in front of her face, clapping, and even shaking the girl but nothing changed about her form. She didn't stop rocking. Back and forth,**

**_back and forth. _**

**Jade was thrown into a state of intense fear, and Cat's lack of reactions made it worse as each second went by. She didn't know what to do to bring her back. She'd tried almost everything. She ran to the closet bathroom in the hallway, collecting a cup of water. She'd tried getting her too drink some, and when that didn't work, she poured a small amount on her head and flicked some onto her face. Nothing. She was running out of ideas, so she tried something completely insane. **

**She set the water down, and cupped her face. She tried convincing herself out of what she had been about to do, but she had lost her own fight. It was hopeless. She took a breath, and pulled Cat's head closer toward hers. She took a few more breaths to steady her nerves, before she finally attached her lips to Cat's.**

**The instinctive reaction to close her eyes caused a lonely tear to fall, following a path which ones prior to it had carved. Cat's lips were soft, and salty. Their tears meshed together, and Cat finally started responding. Their lips moved in sync, and a pang of relief shot through Jade's veins. Jade's lips pressed down more forcefully, with more remorse. She needed a stronger response. **

**It seemed inevitable that she was suddenly kissing Cat. She never thought she'd be pressing her lips to her best friend's, but better yet, _her best friend was kissing back._ **

**It became less urgent. **

**_Cat, Cat, Cat._ Could her mind not have offered something else? It should've been telling her it was wrong, that it wasn't right, but who was she kidding? Her subconscious emotions came into place, and she loved every second. Somewhere in-between Jade's thoughts, Cat had increased the pressure herself. Her fingers commingled through her red locks, gliding up from the back of her neck, feeling Cat shudder at her touch. **

**She had somehow managed to eliminate the existing space between them. Cat's legs stretched out allowing Jade to straddle her, keeping their distance to a minimal. It was getting heated, and they were running out of breath. She remembers the warmth that had spread out through her body. Shouldn't she have discovered this before? What it felt like to kiss Cat? **

**They had parted for a spilt second when breathing became a necessity, before Jade recaptured Cat's lips. A part of her told her that this was going to complicate things, and make things worse. It was small part of her that laid in the depths of her mind, but it was there, nonetheless. Jade abruptly pulled her lips from Cat's, but made no effort to recreate distance. She had been attempting to steady her breath when Cat spoke for the first time, barely even above a whisper.**

**"It's dark there, Jade."**

**Cat's eyes were her biggest weakness. She was never good at masking her emotions, and they told Jade everything she needed to know. They conveyed all her secrets. And ****from what Jade could see, Cat was petrified. Not of what had just happened between them, but everything before. She had been in darkness before being pulled away, and she was terrified of going back. **

**Jade wasted no time in pulling her into a hug, letting her tears fall once again. It broke her to see Cat like this, it really did. They had sat there hours, close by to one another. It was comfort to them, knowing that had each other. She'll never forget that day. She could still feel her upon her lips.**

It was the first time they kissed.  
It was the first time Jade had experienced Cat's darkness.

* * *

"Come back to me, Cat." Swallowing hard to rid the growing lump in her throat, Jade steadied her nerves to physically prepare herself for what might come. Cat continued to stare up to her with her big, broken eyes, putting Jade even more on edge. "Cat, come back to me. Come home." Her voice was stern, secure, but her eyes gave her away. Her vision quickly became blurred, but she refused to let it get to her.

She had to be strong, the complete opposite to what she was feeling. She had no idea if this would work. The last time this has happened, it was her lips that brought her back to realisation. It wasn't the last time they had kissed, but Jade knew this time It couldn't be solved by one.

Jade and Cat quickly formed a special relationship. They undoubtedly had feelings for each other, but after the kiss, it took a while for them both to come to terms with it all. They wanted to be with each other, but something about it all seemed wrong to Jade, and she tried her hardest to shut that part of her away.

It was Jade's idea to act on impulses, rather than thinking about it all too much. She has made it clear that there was to be no rules. If they felt kissing one another, then they could do it. If they felt like cuddling, then they would cuddle. No rules, no complications, right? Wrong. It was about 7 months into their special relationship when the one person Jade tried so hard to impress tarnished it. Her father.

Everything became 'no' and 'I can't Cat, my dad'. She could, but she refused. Her dad has made it clear that he wanted his daughter to be normal - straight. To him, Cat was a potential threat, corrupting her daughter further. He had his suspicions, true, but it was Cat's 'mental state' that caused his disliking of the girl. She was crazy, and he didn't need Jade ending up like her. He was already embarrassed, and he didn't want this 'friend' of hers making things worse.

Jade was confronted by her father, the man she loved to hate, and was forbidden to bring "that girl" back into _his_ house. She put up a fight. She wanted so desperately to show him, to tell him about everything she had with Cat. But when her father told her to just forget about Cat, and move on and find a nice boy, and some new friends, she knew she'd already lost.

He was a homophobe, she'd always known that, and although Jade wasn't gay, she still had feelings – strong feelings - for her best friend, Cat… a girl. He already didn't accept her as a daughter, so what would've happened when he found out? What would've happened if they were caught?

'_**I'm sorry Cat, I can't.'**_

'_**My dad, Cat… he'll kill me.'**_

'_**Cat no, we can't. Stop.'**_

Jade was a reel of cant's and don'ts. But, she could. She could but she didn't want to try, she was convinced she couldn't. She wouldn't, no matter how much she wanted to. She left Cat in the dust by the sidewalk. She didn't look back, and Cat couldn't do much to sway her mind. She left, breaking Cat as she did so.

* * *

Jade's stomach was in knots, and her throat was drying out resulting in her voice becoming raspy. "Cat, you _need _to come back. We miss you here, _I_ miss you here." Jade didn't care about her dripping eyes, hers weren't the only ones. Cat too, was crying. Cat didn't say anything, all she seemed to be doing was wrapping herself up in deep thought. She knitted her eyebrows, exhaling heavily.

Jade drew closer to Cat placing her hands on her hips, pulling her into a tight hug before slowly sliding her hands up her back and to her shoulders. The anticipation was building as Cat remained motionless. Much to Jade's relief, Cat stiffened up before relaxing and nestling her head into Jade's hair.

"Cat I need you to say something o-okay? T-tell me where you are." Jade spoke directly into Cat's ear. Considering they were still embraced in a hug, she had to make sure her voice was low to prevent starling the younger girl. Jade was becoming frantic, and she's not too sure how long she can keep herself together. For some unknown alien reason, whenever Cat is in this state of mind, she becomes panic struck. Every noise Cat made was magnified due to their proximity, so Cat's sniffles definitely didn't go unnoticed.

She tried to speak, but her voice died before it reached her lips. Cat was trying though, which was better than nothing. She tried again, but her voice broke and all that could be received by Jade was low-pitched squeak. Jade held onto Cat tighter then, squeezing her in her grip. Cat didn't seem to mind. After melting into Jade once more, she tried one final time. _Success._ –Ish.

"…I still l-love you, Jade." She froze. _Love? After all this time?_ It sounded like Cat, but she couldn't be sure. Were they even her words? _No. She didn't mean it, she's sick. She's damaged; she doesn't mean what she's saying. She can't, not after what I did. Not after I threw her away. _She was covered in disbelief, which must have translated over to Cat, as she pulled away from Jade's arms to study the taller girl's expressions.

"I do. I still love you Jade, and I-I'm sorry." Cat began to grow more confident in what she was saying. She retracted from Jade, giving herself more distance from the girl. She was getting defensive. She was ready to stand her ground. She did love Jade and she couldn't help it. Even if she had been given the choice, Cat wouldn't have changed anything. Even after their unfortunate end, Jade still showed more compassion and care for her than anyone else had.

She didn't expect Jade to say it back, and hell she's not sure she even wanted her to. It would complicate things for her. It would give Cat meaning and light would become a necessity and not just an occasional preference. She would mean something, and it would change everything.

It was Jade's turn to zone out. But it didn't last too long. She tried to erase all memory of Cat's words, but was completely unsuccessful. She wanted to believe them; she did, but every time she thought about it, about Cat saying those three little words, the shape that Cat took up in her mind morphed into her father's and all possibilities of feeling the same were diminished.

No, she doesn't love Cat. _Plain and simple_. She's not allowed to anyway, not that she does._ It's okay not to love Cat, because Cat doesn't know what's she's talking about_. _She's unwell, she's not thinking rationally. She may think she loves me_, _but when she gets better, she'll know. She'll realise she's wrong._

But she could still hope though, right?

* * *

A/N: I'm going to leave it there for now. I still have no idea where I'm going with this so… review? ;)

You're probably thinking, 'Dramatic much?' Am i right? Well, what can i say? I am known for being a bit of a drama queen ;)

REVIEW :D


	6. Butterflies

No one Understands

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Victorious.

* * *

She and Jade have been curled up together for hours now, no cares or worries in the world. Jade decides it's best if Cat probably eats something. She pushes herself up from her position behind Cat on the couch, and distributes her weight so Cat doesn't roll off as she moves. She successfully stands up without bugging Cat, and drags herself over towards the kitchen. It's late, so the only source of light is coming from a few lonely lamps distributed over the large open area. Jade's struggling to see, and had this been her own house, she would've made it over towards to fridge with ease in this lighting, without knocking into anything.

She's tired; she hasn't slept much recently, intent on keeping a close eye on Cat during the night to make sure she doesn't try anything stupid like harming herself. There's no prove that she does, but Jade has her suspicions anyhow. She uses all the effort she has just opening the fridge, in hopes of finding something suitable to eat. It's too late for cooking anything homemade; it has to be like three in the morning. She groans in reaction to the light, which forced her to squint and face away from the source. Her eyes struggle to adjust to the light, so she uses this time by checking on Cat behind her, who doesn't seem to have moved. _Good to know. _

She decides on a medium sized lasagne, thinking that she could probably do with eating some too. She makes her way over to the microwave after stripping it of it's packaging, opening the door and setting the appropriate time on arrival. She groans again to emphasize how tired she really is, before turning to check up on Cat once again. She leans on the counter for support, arching her back enough so she could rest her head on the cool countertop.

She feels herself falling asleep; so she decides to try shaking it off by making her way over to Cat. She reaches Cat without making too much noise, and seats herself on the floor just next to the sofa, so her head in aligned with Cat's. She appears to be sleeping, but Jade knows she's not just yet. She watches her eyes flicker around underneath her lids, along with the rise and falls of her chest.

She stays there for a while, just studying Cat. Her breathing is manual and forced, which provides evidence that Cat is still conscious. The dim lit around them highlights Cat's face perfectly, defining her perfect features. Jade smiles. She notes how Cat's skin practically glows in this lighting, and she takes snapshots in her mind of how at peace Cat looks. Jade catches herself leaning closer to give the smaller girl a small kiss on her cheek, but stops herself in enough time when realising she's not asleep. She re-adjusts herself, and concentrates on Cat's breathing again.

* * *

Both of the girls bolted upright when the microwave alarm suddenly sounded, disorientating Jade further. _Fuck, oh my god. _Jade stands, pressing her hand to her throat in disbelief that just moments prior, a squeal cascaded from her mouth. She fixes her clothes, and begins to walk over to the counter, beckoning Cat to do the same.

Jade opens the microwave, and attempts to remove the food. She throws her hand back, shaking it vigorously as if it's the answer to all her problems, as the burn she soon expects to blister, throbs. "Fuck! Stupid piece of – " She whipped her head around when she heard Cat giggling like a maniac behind her. _How the hell can she find this funny? _Cat continues to chuckle under her breath as she tried to regain control, as she inches over to Jade with a small smile on her face.

Jade's completely confused now. Cat picks up Jade's recently singed hand, and begins to blow on the burn. She doesn't look at Jade purposely, and brings Jade's fingers closer to her lips. She looks up at Jade now, and locks her eyes with Jade's, and slowly kisses the source of Jade's pain. Jade's completely dumbfounded. Cat slowly removes Jade's fingers from her lips after a few long seconds, and gently drops Jade's hand back to her side.

_What the fuck just happened?_

Jade's stomach is being ripped up into shreds and fed to tons of savage butterflies, who seemed to have occupied her gut. She's glad it's dark, because it makes her flushed cheeks less noticeable. _That should not have happened. That should definitely not have happened. _Surely this is a bit of a drastic reaction for a simple kiss to her fingers, right? After mentally kicking herself, Jade decides to move and continue with dishing up, because another second that close to Cat could be dangerous.

She moves over to the oven, removing the gloves from its handle and making her way back over to the microwave. She carefully removes the lasagne this time, ensuring that none of her fresh is on show. She plonks the dish on the side, and looks around the countertop looking for better knife to use.

"Oh, umm Cat? Do you like…have a pizza cutter or something? I'd usually use this but uh, the blade doesn't reach the bottom of the uh… thing." Oh, how very articulate you are, Jade. Cat simply motions over to the drawer beside her, and Jade all of a sudden feels like an idiot for the second time tonight, for not checking the drawer just to her right. Jade pulls open the drawer, and is faced with a load of cooking tools, most of which she's never seen before. After finding a rather peculiar looking one, she cuts the lasagne into sections and dishes them out on two plates. She gathers some forks, and heads her way over to Cat's dining table and sets them down.

Jade wonders if this table set have ever been used. It looks like it's just been newly bought, and not to mention that Cat's parents are never here, and her brother doesn't seem like the type to eat his dinner civilly at a table like most people do.

Cat sits to Jade left, and isn't quite as enthusiastic as Jade seems to be right now. Jade starts cutting hers into smaller chunks, and Cat eventually decides to do the same so it's more manageable. She takes her first bite, she feels fine. She takes her second bite, she still feels fine.

* * *

By the time Cat's nearly done finishing her lasagne, she doesn't feel so fine anymore. She can feel her chewed lasagne slowly trickling down her oesophagus. She starts to panic. She's eaten too much, and if she didn't know any better, she would say she could hear her stomach screaming at her. She can feel her stomach rebelling, and her reflexes start to kick in. She tried to ignore everything, and channel out every last piece of abuse her brain is throwing at her for being so stupid and reckless.

She starts to heave, and she runs over to the sink collecting a cup, sure enough filling it to the brim with water. She chucks her head back, and swallows every last drop in record time, hoping it'll distract her. Nothing's working. She scrambles for the tap again, shaking while she refills her cup. Her head is still screaming, making her fully aware of all those calories building up on her thighs. She's getting fatter, and she can feel it. She starts to hopelessly cry, shaking her head as if it'll kill off all this abuse she's getting.

She tries to think rationally, but her head is swimming and she knows she's done wrong. She needs to get rid of it, before these calories store even more fat on her body than it already has. Dropping her cup, she turns, only to be faced by Jade. She has that look, but Cat finds that she can't hold her gaze for long, and goes to make a run for the bathroom. She's stopped in her tracks when Jade's grip on her wrist becomes apparent.

* * *

She begs and pleads with Jade, because she doesn't understand. She's eaten too much and it's going to poison her. She needs to get away, to reach the bathroom. She's starting to heave again, but her stomach is already starting to give in to the calories. She's screaming, and thrashing her body around in an attempt to be freed. Jade's arms are fully locked around her now, and there's not a chance she'll be getting out of her death grip.

"WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" Her voice is rough, and her lungs are starting to cave in too. Jade doesn't understand, but what she does know is that if Cat continues to throw up after every time she eats she wont be round much longer. She'll die, and no way in hell is Jade going to let that happen. She hates what she's doing to Cat, because she's helpless and vulnerable right now and there's nothing she can do to snap Cat out of it.

Cat's hurling the abuse at Jade now, and it's an ugly side to Cat that Jade hates. But, it's not really Cat saying these things, it's her eating disorder, and so she takes the hit. Cat keeps trying to claw her way out of Jade's arms, but thankfully Jade's wearing long sleeves. She's still kicking and thrashing and any longer and Jade's muscles will give out. She's hysterical, and her voice is breaking.

* * *

She's calming down, but only because she knows it's too late. Her foods probably fully digested and there's no way out of it now. She's stuck with the calories, so she cry's into Jade's hair wailing out words of blame.

It's around an hour later, and Cat's still held tightly in Jade's arms. Cat's unpredictable, and there's a chance she'll lash out again. But Jade takes the risk; removing one of her locked hands, raising it to Cat's head. She soothingly strokes her red hair, whispering apologies, and furthermore, words of encourage and pride into the girl's ear. Her breathing is still all over the place, and it's Jade's cue to take her up to bed.

* * *

She relaxes her grip once she's passed the bathroom and safely into Cat's room. How Cat's room lacks with the bright colours and jungle of teddies, is made up for by having lock in Jade's eyes. Jade takes the key after locking Cat's door, and puts it into her portable safe, which Cat doesn't have the combination to. It was a recent buy; purely bought just to keep Jade's car keys in, whenever her drunken mother was home, but Jade's content with its new use.

Jade sluggishly climbs into the bed next to Cat, and closes most of the gap between them. They're not touching, but they're not far off either, (another millimetre or two). Jade leans up, and moves swiftly towards Cat's forehead, giving it a quick kiss goodnight. Cat's facing her, so it's easy to tell if she's asleep or not, and thankfully for Jade, she is.

Jade lays back down, careful not to wake the exhausted Cat, and slowly finds her hand. She slots her fingers through, and smiles to herself. Using her other hand, she turns over slightly putting out the lamp, now engulfing the room in darkness. She waits a few minutes, just listening to Cat's steady breathing, before turning back over to face her again. She steadies her own breathing, before contently closing her eyes, ready to be taken off into unconsciousness. It was quiet, but still loud enough to be heard.

"I love you, Cat."

* * *

Jade woke up around 1pm with one Cat's arms coiled around her stomach, while the other was locked with Jade's, fingers tangled together. Cat's head was resting gently against her chest, and her legs were intertwined with her own. Jade could feel Cat's body heat radiating off of her hitting against her own skin. Jade had made no attempt to move, maybe because of the comfort of her current position, or maybe it's just because she was too drained to muster the energy.

She didn't sleep well, waking several times during the night out of paranoia that she'd wake without Cat still by her side. Her brain wouldn't allow her to sleep so easily then, torturing her with old memories and regrets she tried so hard to forget.

It's weird, this contact which Jade and Cat share. Jade was never one for contact, declining Beck's offers to cuddle on regular basis, yet here she is, cuddling Cat with no discomfort or concern.

She smiles looking down at the peaceful, relaxed expression that Cat's wearing. Jade's always thought Cat was most adorable when asleep, not because she's quiet and not bugging anyone, but because off the innocence she displays. It's just the sense that she knows that there's nothing bothering or plaguing her while she's asleep. Her innocence and purity take over her dreams, creating a world in which her problems don't exist. When she's asleep, she's free. No worries, no stress.

Jade wishes everything was that simple, slipping off to sleep, waking up with all your problems solved. Sometimes it works, but there's not a chance in this case. Jade finds herself caressing Cat's cheek with her loose hand, (the one that's not slotted through Cat's) pushing back occasional stray hairs away from her delicate face. She smiles at the familiarity of it, and relishes in all the times where being here like this with Cat wasn't hurting anyone. Before everything happened with Beck, Jade and Cat were free to do whatever they so desired, but when she acted as she did and ditched Cat leaving her for dust, everything got a whole lot more complicated.

Jade hates herself for what she did, but not only that, she knew Cat only saw blame for Beck and she didn't do anything to convince her otherwise. It wasn't Beck's fault, hell; he didn't even know about Cat, no one did. It wasn't her father's fault either, he only raised his concerns – making a few demands here and there – but it was all Jade's doing for being stupid enough to listen to him. Her desire and constant need to please him altered her judgement. It was her obligation to make him happy that made her say those things – to say she didn't love Cat. She did, really. She loved Cat but she thought she was doing what was best. And now? Now look where that got her.

If Jade is to stay here, she'll only hurt Cat when she leaves, and if she stays, she's only hurting herself. Although she's trying to subside her tendency to try and please her father, she's still convinced that her and Cat shouldn't happen. Cat's too fragile, she breaks easily and Jade can't be the one to do so. She wants to protect Cat, but she can't do that when both her presence and absence poses as a threat to Cat's well being.

If she leaves, Cat's straight back to starving herself.

If she stays, she's only getting both their hopes up before its time Jade has to leave here. Because, although she wishes she could, she can't stay here with Cat forever.

* * *

She's relentless. She convinced her self that she's no good. For the past 4 years, all she's done is lie to the people she loves. Firstly, her father. She denied Cat in attempt to hide her feelings, to hide that he fell for a girl. Then it was Beck. She went behind both of his and Cat's back and by dating him 2 months before her and Cat officially broke it off. And, ever since then, she's compulsively lied to Cat. She told her she didn't love her, and never did. She manipulated her into thinking that her dad was merely an excuse so she could go and date Beck.

She allowed Cat's hatred for Beck, purely because she couldn't deal with telling her the truth. She's caught up in lies and here they all are biting her in the ass. She didn't mean for this to happen.

* * *

She hates herself. Even as she lays there with Cat curled up into her, she can't help all her regrets infecting and spoiling this moment, which should be cherished. Cat told her she loved her merely yesterday. After all she did. Jade just can't understand.

How could you love a person when they technically cheated on you, and never gave you any reasons or justifications? She didn't even have the decency to tell Cat she even started dating Beck after they decided to quit hiding it. She just watched Cat's face drop when she walked through the school gates to find Jade wrapped up in someone other than her. Jade was prepared to use the 'we weren't exclusive' excuse had it come around to it, but Cat didn't even say a word. She just accepted it like she knew it was coming, like Jade was bound to leave her eventually.

* * *

Jade's focus begins to break when she notices Cat's eyes flutter open, attempting to adjust to the light like Jade's had not too long ago. She starts to wriggle, and when her eye's adjust just enough, she looks up to Jade smiling, greeting her with a pleasant 'good morning Jadey', before snuggling up to Jade closer, rubbing her eyes with her free hand.

Jade had expected Cat to move away from her when she woke, but she didn't, and still shows no signs off moving anytime soon. Cat had moved her head from Jade's chest, to the crook of Jade's neck, yawning while doing so. The feeling of Cat's hot breath beating against her neck had more of an effect on Jade than it should. The hairs on her neck stood valiantly, and she shuddered slightly with every wave of heat that came in contact with her. Jade was glad Cat hadn't noticed, because if she knew that something as simple as this had that effect on her, she knew Cat would definitely use it to her advantage.

* * *

Jade and Cat laid there for while, but eventually after Jade attained the cynical urge to flip Cat over and ravish her body, she decided to speak up announcing she had to go to the bathroom. She didn't, but she needed some space to sort herself out and hopefully regain some control.

Upon reaching the bathroom, Jade decided it would be a good time to take a shower. One, because it was the one place Jade could think without any interruptions, and two, because a person could never have too many showers. Plus, all thought processes created during showers were usually genius, so she figures she might actually figure out where she's going to go from here, both in terms of Cat and herself.

* * *

She had heard Cat's singing seeping it's way in under through the cracks of the door when she decided it would be a good time to retreat the shower and get dressed. There wasn't a chance she could get any more thinking done when Cat's voice practically hypnotised her. S_o much for no interruptions._

_Crap. _Jade hadn't brought any fresh clothes to bathroom with her. Just what she needed right now – being alone in a room with Cat in just a towel. It wasn't Cat she was worried about; it was the threat of her stupid hormones taking centre stage.

Jade unlocked the bathroom door and scurried over towards Cat's door as soon as the cold air starting biting her skin. She knocked, (the last thing she needed was to walk in on a changing Cat), and when receiving a quick 'I'm decent"!' she threw the door open, making her way across to her own drawer which Cat allocated to her when they first became friends.

* * *

After Jade had gotten dressed, she made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen to prepare the first meal of the day. She sighs inwardly, praying to god that today will run smooth. Her muscles are still fatigued, and if today goes anything like the rest, Jade's pretty much screwed.

_Please be good, please don't play up._

If there was one thing Jade hated more than ducks and the colour yellow, it was Cat at mealtimes.

* * *

**A/N: Well, sorry it took a while to update. I lost my memory stick meaning I had to completely rewrite a few chapters. It took a while, considering I forgot most of the content, so I just sort of improvised and came up with an entirely new chapter. **

**Review and tell me what you think :)**


	7. Distractions

No one Understands

Disclaimer: I'm no Dan.

* * *

After scanning the chart, Jade summoned the ingredients for pancakes and began frying batter in no time. She loves to sing while she cooks in the morning. It just brings her mood up a little. What she loves more however, is when a recently showered, damp haired Cat strolls downstairs and joins in with her.

She's missed this.

* * *

After their little fiasco, Jade figured that after a week of being crammed inside, It'd be a good thing to get some fresh air and take Cat out somewhere..._and hopefully getting some answers_. She's already decided that as soon as Cat has finished her pancakes, they're out of here.

"Hey, Cat. So, I was thinking that today we could go get some.." _Ice-cream? No._ _That wouldn't go down well. Go and get some…what?_ Pretty much all food destinations were automatically eliminated. Jade hadn't realised how much food had an impact on her daily life, because usually she'd go out for a coffee, or for some frozen yoghurt on days like these, but obviously that's not in question.

"Ice cream? I like ice cream…"

_She wants ice cream? What? Did she just... well all right. _"Y-Yeah, some ice-cream. We could go down to that park where we always used to go when-"

"You loved me?" _Woah, what?_ Cat felt like pushing it, because honestly, she wanted answers too. Real ones. She wanted to know the real reason Jade had broken it off, because it obviously had something to do with her. She must have been doing something wrong, it was inevitable. Maybe she wasn't pretty enough for someone like Jade - _someone that stunning._ Or maybe, it really was her weight putting her off, because how could you love someone as big as Cat? She was huge, and there must have been too much of her to love. It had to be it, right?

"-Or we could go do some shopping, or go baby golf. Something fun." Way to go Jade, real smooth. It's not like you straight out ignored Cat's remark or anything...

A small sigh could be heard under the red head's breath. She was tired of this, this tense atmosphere. Jade obviously had something to say, but all she seemed to be capable of doing was constantly avoiding everything. She stutters, and Jade doesn't stutter over nothing. _But whatever, she's obviously not going to talk about it. _"Why don't we just go to that music place you like? I could do with going there."

"Y-Yeah, yeah okay." _Relief. _Why was it so damn hard to hold a simple conversation with the girl? Sure, she should feel guilty, but since when does guilt and regret consume people's social and communication skills? No, she shouldn't have lied to Cat, and she shouldn't have left her the way she did, but what's done is done. She can't take it back, so why the hell can't she let it go?

* * *

It took a while for Cat to 'sort' her hair out after she'd eaten a decent amount. She had left it too long after showering to manipulate it before it had dried, so she was stuck with her natural curls, which she didn't like and opted to straighten. Jade, however, loved Cat's curls. She liked playing with them; twisting them around her fingers and watching them glide over her hands as she brushed them through. Jade didn't care much for her own hair though , just chucking it up into a high ponytail. Who was she trying to impress? She's over all that.

Eventually, when they were both ready to leave and head for the store, Jade of course, had lost her keys. _Oh, of course._ Isn't that always the way? It's like the world's mocking them. Sure, it's just keys this time, but what about the times before that, and the ones that are definitely in their future? It just seems like whenever things are looking up, someone has to kick them straight back down again.

* * *

Cat is the first to climb out of the car upon arrival, bouncing straight into the store. Jade, however, was a bit more hesitant, staying behind for a few minutes to bash her head against the steering wheel. Here she was trying to pull her scattered thoughts together, while the cause of it all is perfectly fine. Well, not fine at all really, given her eating disorder, but nevertheless, completely unaffected. Why was Jade the only one struggling to keep her heart rate from plummeting and accelerating whenever she's around the girl? Why is it only her breath hitches every time she tries to speak? _Why the hell as Cat got this so damn easy? _

_Cat's ill, you can't have her. Stop thinking like this, it's not fucking right. She's your best friend before anything, and all you should be concerned about is being there for her right now. So why can't I stop thinking about before? Why the hell can't I get her stark form out of my head? It's sick… I'm disgusting. WHY CAN'T THIS JUST BE EASY? All I can think about is her, and it's difficult. I shouldn't feel like this. She's Cat, my best friend. She has a mental disorder for fuck sakes, and I'm sat here grovelling? Grovelling over how it USED to be? We were kids then, and it didn't mean anything. Besides, I'm Jade West and I don't grovel. _But you 'don't' cry either West, and that's all you've been doing for the past 6 days.

_Damn you._

_And… If it really didn't mean anything, why am I still unconvinced?_

_Okay, enough. Just go inside, and sink yourself into music. _After a good while of mentally abusing herself further, Jade decides it's best to enjoy the fresh air while she can. Locking the door, she marches into the store and immediately spots Cat, her head just barely visible above the stands. The store is massive, and massive is a huge understatement. This place has everything, and it's respectively one of Jade's favourite places.

She came here a lot when she and Cat stopped associating. She'd come and get lost in the stands, browsing for hours on end losing herself in the music. She knew this was possibly the only place she wouldn't run into Cat, she had found it too intimidating. Sure, Cat loves music and it's her passion along with art, but something about this place used to scare her off. _Maybe it's just because of its size._

* * *

Soon enough Jade finds herself in the heavy metal section. It's seems cliché that the 'Goth' is into this music, but it's not the typical 'I hate the world' attitude that even draws her to this music. She's not sure what does, but it's definitely a lot deeper than that. She finds one of particular interest - a band she's never heard of before - taking it over to the music player, inserting the CD while plugging in the headphones.

"Hey," Cat says, clearly uncomfortable with being here. But _she_ suggested coming here, and besides, Jade's just settling in, she's not ready to leave yet. "What are you listening to? Anything I've heard of?"

"No… it's doubtful considering even I haven't. It's um," Flipping the cover over to reveal the artists, she continues. "Underoath - Act of Depression. Heard of them?" She doesn't need to say anything, just by the 'What the hell do you think?' look Cat's giving, Jade knows she hasn't.

"Here, puts these on. You never know, you could get into it." Jade rewinds to the beginning of the song while Cat slips the headphones on, wearing her concentrating/focus face. That face is adorable, but it twists and Jade knows she doesn't like what she's hearing.

She falters a smile, trying hard to pinpoint the lyrics. Difficult yes, but she's trying. "I guess I could… get into it."

"It's okay, you don't have to pretend to like it," Jade says, removing Cat's headphones. "You're not into metal, I get it."

"No, it's not that I don't like it, it's just that I understand it… metal that is." Okay, now Jade's confused.

"What? I don't…" _puzzled._

"Well, I can definitely relate to most of it. The lyrics. It depends really… on how I'm feeling." She flattens her hair, after the mess the headphones made, trying to not catch Jade's eyes. "I mean, sometimes it can be wanting something so bad that you'd give anything for that I get. Or the feeling of hopelessness, when no-one understands you-" Pretty much like Jade right now? It doesn't make sense really, not just that innocent little Cat can relate to heavy metal, but that she's even listened to it in the first place? _Why, what? When!_

"And no matter how many times you tr-try to get them to understand, it's like they just choose not to listen… it's that feeling of defeat." What does Jade say here? Is there something that she's supposed to say? Cat's starting to open up, only a little, but still, she's still doing it. And Jade can't find a damn word to say.

"I can relate to it in many ways Jade… And it scares the hell out of me. Because I shouldn't, Jade." No, she shouldn't. She's 16, and she's so pure, so no, she's right. She shouldn't… but she does.

"Cat, do you remember what I used to tell you? " Cat nods in understanding, still finding interest elsewhere in the serveral rows of discs infront of her. Jade used to say it whenever Cat isolated herself and kept everything bottled up.

Jade's found her words, and she knows how to encourage Cat to open up.

"Better mad with the rest of the world than wise alone." They say in unison.

"Cat, remember what it means?" Jade urges, encouraging her.

"Always." She's still reluctant to look at Jade, which Jade soon takes care of, lifting her head up by her chin with her finger, forcing their eyes to meet.

"What does it mean, Cat?" Again, wasn't phrased as a question. She wants to hear Cat say it, that way it's more likely to sink in.

"It means… that whatever happens, whatevers troubling you, isolating yourself and hiding away from your problems isn't the answer." Cat lifts her hands up toward her chest, as if protecting herself from something only she sees. "It means that it's better to have someone there to hate the world with so be it, as long as you're not alone." She doesn't break her gaze with Jade. She's trying to understand and accept that Jade is here to help, and not to punish or patronize her. But her nail varnish has suddenly become disgraceful, and she needs it to be removed.

"And?" Jade pushes further, really trying to get as much out of the girl as she can.

"It's means you're here… a-and that I'm not al-lone. Nothing is solved by silence." She's trying not to cry… because that's a sign of weakness, but it's difficult when the person you're trying to hide from isn't going anywhere. Jade's here to help, and that's hard to deal with.

"Exactly." Jade give her rare smile, alternating between which one of Cat's eyes she focuses on. Cat's tears start to fall, and Jade instantly wipes them away with her thumbs, holding onto the sides of her face.

"J-Jade?" She sounds so unsure of herself; her breath is ragged and shattered into short bursts.

"Yes Cat?" Jade doesn't move her hands from their position on Cat's face, because she supposes the tears wont subside so soon.

"C-can you… s-sing that song? P-please?" And she was right, they just keep coming.

Jade needs no more explanation, and starts imediately singing their song. She's sure to be mellow, keeping her tone soft. It was their song, and it got them through a lot. To most people it's meaningless, but it's priceless to Jade and Cat. Whenever they were upset, they'd sing it to each other. And now is no different.

_"What have I done? I wish I could run.  
Away from this ship going under  
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else  
Now I feel the weight of the world is  
On my shoulders"_

Jade moves to the floor, so they can be more comfortable, and Cat mirrors her actions. They're secluded, and possibly the only ones in the store at this time. Nothing matters, except each other. They face each other, and Cat takes her cue and sings back to Jade, returning the same passion and feeling Jade had sung with.

_"What can you do when your good isn't good enough?  
When all that you touch tumbles down?  
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,  
I just want to fix it somehow  
But how many times will it take_

_To get it right?"_

Cat stops, signalling Jade to continue. She doesn't care if anyone sees them here. No one can take this moment away from them. This is _**their**_ song. This is _**their**_ moment.

_"Can I start again with my faith shaken?  
__Cause I can't go back and undo this"_

Cat chimes in this time, because this part is meant for her. She means this, truly. She has to face her mistakes, as does Jade. It's easy to run away from them because that's more convenient, but it doesn't make them acceptable.

"_I just have to stay and face my mistakes  
But if I get stronger and wiser  
I'll get through this"  
_

Cat's tears have come too much, and Jade too is welling up, but she won't cry. She doesn't cry remember? Jade finishes, because these words Cat needs to hear. Because nothing is _really_ permanent, and it's something she needs to see. They can fix this, their mistakes, their regrets. They can put it behind them if they become at peace with them, and that's exactly what they both need to do. Cat needs to know her parent's behaviour isn't her fault, and she needs to know she's not to be blamed, and sometimes life just sucks._  
_

"_So I throw up my fist  
Throw a punch in the air  
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair"  
_

Who was Jade kidding, of course she cries - although she's still reluctant to admit it. Jade leans over and embraces Cat in her arms. "No one is perfect Cat, we'll get through this. We will."

* * *

"C'mon Cat, let's get outta here." Helping Cat up, Jade takes her hand and guides her back to the car. It's fair to say she's still a mess, but for the most part she's coping. She's a little distraught, but she's fine.

After getting Cat in the car, Jade decides to take Cat home, picking up some ice cream on the way there. Sure, it's early, but it's never too early for ice cream. Besides, something tells her Cat could do with some cheering up, and what better way than ice cream? Sure, food isn't exactly her strongest point, but she's apparently okay with ice cream.

Jade gets hers in a cup, opting not to risk getting dripping ice cream onto her new leather seats. She likes ice cream as much as the next person –_ish_ - but she is not keen on the idea of sticky vanilla all over her seats, making her car look trashy. She takes pride in her appearance, and if it the trash can be avoided it will be.

* * *

A/N: I grant you with another filler chapter! _Whazzam! _Anywho, this was rushed, as you most likely can tell. But, i'm naturally a lazy person so i have no intentions of rewriting it. I'm sure there was something else i was supposed to say here. Hmm...

Oh, thank you to **dmnchld1029** - You're a big help! :D

The song is called Get it right, by the Glee cast. I have no clue who the original artist is... Oh, and i totally stole the quote Jade uses off of Google. :)

The more reviews, the quicker i'll update! :)


	8. Exhaustion

No one Understands.

Disclaimer: Between my last update and now, I have not been able to claim ownership of Victorious.

A/N: Bold represents past events.

* * *

Cat didn't eat well that day. Nor the next day, or the day after that. She started refusing altogether. Her mind was set, if she doesn't eat, she doesn't get fat, and it was as simple as that.

She'd worked out the amount of calories in each meal on the chart, and concluded: why have 250 calories for some pasta when you can have less then that? Her mind was racing, and calculations became her new obsession. If she was going to be given a salad with 125 calories, and she only ate a quarter, that's only around 41 calories. And, if she chooses to vouch for no dressing, it's even less. She'd even gone to the lengths of downloading a Calorie Counter on her pearphone, that way she could rest her brain every so often. It was perfect.

She'd even tried squashing food, and stacking it in various ways to give the effect that she'd eaten more than she actually had. She'd tried cramming food into her mouth, and storing it up onto the roof of her mouth and in her cheeks disposing it when Jade wasn't looking. It was working for the most part, but Jade's not completely stupid. Cat isn't putting on weight, and surely when someone bulimic starts eating healthily again, they should, and if anything, Cat's losing it.

It was hard for Jade, but she knew if she didn't do something then Cat was going to get fatally ill. Especially since she's already practically skin and bones. She'd stopped cuddling Cat. She'd stopped cuddling her because it allowed Cat to have both – her too skinny complexion and the warmth of Jade. It meant she was living with her two favourite things: her disorder and Jade. It wasn't even just that, it made Jade feel sick to cuddle Cat when she could feel her skeleton flex every time she moved. She could feel Cat's bones, and it was heartbreaking.

She gave Cat ultimatums, and threw threats at the girl in desperation. She wouldn't listen. Why wouldn't Cat listen? Her disorder has taken over, and she lives to make it thrive. Her existance is based purely to feed it, and help it grow. She's not listening and Jade's getting desperate.

* * *

"**Cat please…_please._" She wasn't eating; she didn't have to say anything to tell Jade she wasn't going to eat that day. She was wrapped up in tons of jumpers and blankets, because her body couldn't regulate her own temperature anymore. She was shivering, but she was too terrified of those stupid calories to do anything about it, and she was destroying herself in the process of avoiding them. **

"**Cat, you need to eat something please, you need to eat." Jade was fumbling about in front of her, perched by the worn away Cat, who was sitting happily in front of the TV. She was shaking, struggling to keep it together while trying to bribe Cat to eat. She had been waving that stupid fork in front of Cat's face for around 2 hours, crying her eyes out trying to reason with her. She hadn't eaten a full meal in days, and Jade was losing it.**

**Cat did nothing but look at Jade, with that pitiful look in her eye. She'd decided Jade was pathetic…decided that she was weak. Jade hadn't seen a glimpse of the real Cat in days, because that person that sat in front of her, whoever it was, was not Cat, the sweet red head she's been in love with for years. It was like she was being possessed, like this was some sort of exorcism. **

**Jade tried putting the food in Cat's mouth forcefully, but Cat refused to chew or swallow, and practically began choking on it. She'd tried going full out sadistic Jade West on her, but her fear of weight gain was bigger than her fear of Jade at her worst. **

**Cat just didn't want help, and she was refusing to receive it, no matter whom it's from. **

_**Everything had gone downhill since the Music shop.**_

"**Cat, just take a bite, just one bite please, and I'll go. I'll leave you alone if you take some." Nothing. Cat didn't even look at her that time, and just carried on watching the TV like she hadn't heard a thing. That annoyed Jade, resulting in her pulling out the plug in a huff. When Jade turned back around towards Cat though, she wished she didn't.**

**Cat's eyes were consumed with anger, and it's something Jade didn't see often. Cat had started trembling, her face quickly reddening. Jade wondered if her skin would blister if she reached out and touched Cat. Her eyes were explicit, and they put Jade on edge.**

"**No." Her voice was low, deeply riddled with displeasure and aggravation. _No? No what?_ "No," She'd said it again, slowly that time as if she were talking to a child. She'd looked like she was ready to lash out, and it was concerning. Although she's small, Cat's got a hell of a lot of strength. **

"**You don't get to do that." Her eyes were still sheathed with vicious fury, making Jade even more nervous. But she's an actress, and she could play bold.**

"**Don't get to do what, Cat?" Jade didn't say it as If she was asking a question, it was like she already knew the answer and just spoke purely out of spite. She bit back at Cat, because two can play at that game. **

"**You don't get to do that, Jade," Cat's eyes were dark, and something about them told Jade not to push it. "So _don't."_**

**She didn't answer Cat then, because she knew retaliating would've only made things worse. Cat was already rebelling, and Jade's screwed because of it. Provoking Cat wouldn't have done any good.**

**She gave up on trying to get Cat to eat that night. It was hopeless. She was exhausted both emotionally and physically, and what she needed was a nice long bath. She would just try again later, after Cat had cooled down. She'd moved from her spot, and made her way upstairs and over to the bathroom leaving the plate next to Cat, encase she changed her mind.**

* * *

**Jade let her clothes practically fall off of her, while she slipped into the burning hot water, taking something in with her. She's strong, and this didn't prove anything. It wasn't a sign of weakness, she was just _sooo_ tired. **

**Jade closed her eyes, heightening her other senses. She could faintly hear the TV downstairs, which told her Cat had plugged it back in, but it was her heartbeat that really caught her attention. It was soothing, but she felt as if it was mocking her… _teasing her._ Cat wouldn't have one of those if she carried on, and she knew that more than anyone. She'd slipped down further, allowing her head to be swallowed and scolded by the burning liquid. **

_**She was just so tired.**_

**She'd squeezed the object clutched in her right hand, as if to make sure it was still there. She couldn't hear the TV anymore, just the new throbbing pulse in her head.**

**She always wanted to be a mermaid; so glorious and trouble-free. She used to dip her head under water as a kid - much like what she had been doing - just to hear the echoes and movement of water as she swirled her fingers. She'd started humming, sending vibrations off, as travelled completely around her head, tickling her throat.**

**It was comfortable down there, under water. She was tired, and if the un-exhaled Carbon dioxide weren't clawing at her chest, she would've been asleep. Her own spasming body jerked her out of the water forcefully, and her recently collapsed lungs immediately recovered. She was limp, and breathing was just so much effort. **

**She took her object of desire, and admired it for a while before using it. This slender, sharp-edged flake, that is at least twice as wide as it is long, had complete control over her. It's bloodstained lips travelled across Jade's skin, over and over and over. Her senses were screaming, telling her to stop, but she couldn't. It wasn't down to her… she didn't possess the control.**

_**Now she was really tired.**_

* * *

**She did move eventually, but the thought of cleaning up after her had weighed on her, delaying her movement for a few more extra minutes than originally intentioned. She'd climbed out of the bath drained of all emotions, and strode over to the mirror. She felt betrayed. This isn't who she was anymore. She'd brought her wrist up to the sink, disgusted in herself for being so foolish. She watched it bleed, just to spite herself. She was punishing herself now, gripping the gashes hard with her other hand, just to feel herself squirm. She needed to teach herself, that doing what she did comes with consequences.**

**She'd applied more pressure, watching the tears fall from her eyes. She needed to prove she's strong, and punishing herself for penetrating her own skin with that blade seemed like the only rational thing to do. She'd cried, her wrists were throbbing, growing along with the pressure, with each second under her clenched hand. **

**She couldn't take much more then, dropping her hand and using her own shirt to soak up her blood. _A small price to pay. _She'd bandaged it soon enough, blessed with experience. She'd dragged her pyjamas on, and rinsed out the bath, ridding it off all liquid her. **

_**Liquid Jade.**_

**Later on that night, she tried to get Cat to eat again, but failed. She had weighed out her options, and that's how she came to the two she has now, and Cat will hate both. She doesn't have much of a choice, really. It's either these or watch Cat kill herself. **

**And she's already chosen out of the two.**

* * *

Jade sits here now, with an ordeal on her hands. This isn't how it was supposed to happen. She's Jade West for fuck sakes, she's always in control. But here she's just Jade, Jade who never had her grip on anything in the first place. You can't control what you don't have. She doesn't have Cat; therefore Cat's not hers to control. Cat's her own person. She's her own slave to her disorder, and she refuses to be set free.

Jade started to watch Cat for a while, momentarily distracting herself from the options she was trying to sort out. She wonders; is it worth telling Cat about how she may or may not feel? Especially now before she sends Cat away? Nothing has much has changed between her and Cat, on the inside atleast. Cat's already told Jade straight up that she still loves her. But, yet again, she didn't say she was still _in love_ with her. Does she even know Cat? Like she used to?

What happens if the girl Jade is in love with isn't still who she was before. Maybe Jade doesn't even _know_ her anymore. A lot has changed, despite her surfaced feelings. Jade doesn't even know who _she_ is anymore, let alone Cat. Who is Jade? Because right now she's feeling lost. Is she still the snarky, Tori-hating girl she thought she was? Or is she Jade, the helpless, naïve girl, who has always been hopelessly in love with Cat Valentine? She just doesn't know anymore. She's past hope.

She feels misplaced, and apparently so does Cat, who hasn't spoke a word since returning 'home' earlier today. Homes are supposed to be comfortable, safe. It doesn't feel like that here. Not anymore at least. Is there something she can't see? Where does _she_ even fit into all of this?

She won't tell Cat, she's decided. It seems demeaning to tell her in hopes, only to find out Cat isn't whom she fell in love with. Not just that, but what if Cat is the one _she _fell for, but _she_ isn't the one Cat once fell for? She wouldn't be able to handle that, and it could potentially ruin everything. Besides, what would it do anyway? It's not like telling Cat she loves her will change anything. It won't magically cure an incurable disorder. It won't fix Cat. So why the hell should she bother? She won't be around much longer either, so that's just cruel.

She speculates now if Cat knows. Does Cat already know? And how much does she? Does Cat know Jade's still in love with her, and does she know what Jade's doing next? A part of Jade hopes Cat's come to realisation of what today was really about, because after last night it adds to a total of 4 days that Cat hasn't had a full meal, and Jade's done with waiting. Surely Cat can't be that oblivious not to notice the signs today. Was she paying attention? Does she even care? Will she miss Jade?

Jade already misses Cat.

Maybe it's Jade whose been naïve here, actually thinking that after their little talk in the music shop, everything was going to improve. It was stupid to think so. Those 4 days sped by, but Jade still felt every second tick by before her eyes. Every second was a second Cat was starving herself. Every second was another second Cat hadn't eaten.

_Every second was another second closer to Cat's death._

"Cat…" Jade's still drained, and if this wasn't clear by her strained vocal chords, then I don't know what is. If Cat doesn't know now, she will soon enough. Cat's sitting just in front of Jade on the floor, legs stretched out ahead of her. She's wrapped in a thick, feathered duvet, and her hair's scraped back into a high ponytail. She wears no make-up, just simply the warmest pyjamas she could find.

Cat doesn't need to speak, because Jade knows she's already listening.

"Cat, do you know why I took where I did today?" Jade's tone was sympathetic, and she really regrets that it went too far and has come to this, but she really has no other alternative.

"I... No... N-Not really." She was fumbling over her words in a sense of panic, so Jade knew Cat wasn't being completely truthful with her.

"Are you sure Cat? Because I think you do." Jade was being assertive, and straight to the point.

"A-are you leaving me a-again Jade? 'Cause I-I'm sorry, Jade, I'll fix it," Cat began crawling over to Jade, always keeping her eyes on her. She's like a sick little puppy, wide eyed and begging for cuddles. "Whatever it is, I'll fix it." Cat grabbed Jade's hand, which had been comfortable sitting in her lap.

"No, you're leaving Cat. Not me." Cat began to cry, and as soon as Cat's pleads reached Jade's ears she instantly turned into mush. Surely it shouldn't hurt this much? Jade was vaguely aware of Cat's death grip on her hands, but she couldn't give in to her… not this time.

"J-jade please… I'll be better, I'-I'm sorry. Whatever I've done, J-jade, I'll fix, just tell me so I can be better f or you." Cat's sobs became uncontrollable, and Jade was fighting against her own. But it was those words; she's heard them so many times before. The first time, Cat spoke them, and the times after that, were mere memories of the original thing. "Pl-please don't leave me J-jade."

She thought off it like ripping off a band-aid. It hurts less to rip it off in one go than to slowly peel it back, making you fully aware of the pain and discomfort it's causing. So that's what Jade's doing… she's ripping off a band-aid.

She takes a deep breath,

"You're going to treatment Cat."

* * *

A/N: I know this is sort of a big jump from the last chapter, but I decided I was just… bored(?)

Anyway, It's well past 4am, so I'm tired and close to passing out. It wouldn't surprise me if I woke up and dreamt this whole thing. Let's hope.

The chances of spelling and gramatical mistakes are high, but i'm too sleepy. I'll fix 'em eventually though.

As always, review and type whatever.

Next update will be next week.


	9. Regrets

No one Understands.

Disclaimer: The day I own Victorious is the day I'll no longer need to write Fan Fiction.

* * *

"**Tomorrow, Cat. You're going to treatment tomorrow."**

Cat's hands rest on Jade's chest pillowing her head, while the rest of her body is tucked close to Jade's for comfort. The raven-haired girl takes in everything, because tomorrow is the last time she could see Cat for months. Any relationship she has with Cat could be diminished, so she takes snapshots, that way if worst comes to worst, she'll have her memories of the girl if their friendship becomes irreparable.

Cat's breathing is factitious, as if her small body is forcing it out against accord, and it worries Jade a little. Her skin is cold, and lacks its usual flawless complexion. Jade hates to see what Cat's become. She's never seen the colour red look so dull.

She hates this.

She hates a lot of things in retrospect, like that the last thing she'll have of Cat while she's away is her memory of her being so broken. Or that she can't be the one to help Cat… and the idea of not being able to protect Cat while she's in treatment. She hates all of it.

She wishes she never took so long to notice the signs. God forbid, what if she hadn't? What if she was too late? She knows that if she didn't, no one else would've. Not Tori, not Beck, not Andre… and not even Robbie.

She holds onto Cat tighter at the thought. The thought of Cat's disorder going unnoticed. She can't imagine a life without Cat babbling on about her brother, or a life without her contagious giggles filling the school hallway. A life without Cat isn't a life at all… not to Jade.

She remembers the first time she touched Cat, hands fumbling, clumsy and nervous… she was terrified, and quite frankly, even more so than she is now. She didn't know what she was doing, nor did she care at the time, but there's always been something about the very girl she lays with now that's intimidated her. Well, not her as such, but her feelings for her. They're distinct, bold… and they've always prevailed those of which that she had for Beck, _obviously_.

Jade's fallen back to wallowing in regret again, and it's not the first time tonight she's done so. She scolds herself for it, but she knows it won't help. She just feels to guilty - _felonious guilty – _and everything on the subject jumps up, abusing her central nervous system_. _

* * *

Jade loved Beck, truly. He's handsome, kind, a true gentleman in fact… but he's no Cat. He'll never be Cat, either. When she started things with Beck, her intentions were off. Jade was attracted to him, yes, but she wasn't interested. He was something she grew into loving, aided by her own act of throwing herself in his direction – not sexually, though. She sprung him with all her feelings for Cat and expected him to deal with them. It worked, too. He moulded them into feelings for himself, subconsciously, oblivious to all of Cat's smudged fingerprints, streaked across Jade's emotions.

She fell for him, because he gave her everything she could need. Beck was comfort, and whenever she was with him, it's all that was felt. He was fine… everything was fine. But fine didn't stop Jade thinking what everything would be like if she went home with Cat at the end of the day instead of Beck.

You see, Jade didn't have a choice with Cat. She woke up with feelings she couldn't control, lacking knowledge on how to deal with them. Prior to Cat, her life was in order. Jade knew who she was, and she knew everything she wanted to be… but when Cat crashed into her life with no sense of direction - babbling about squirrels and mermaids - everything flipped. Jade was confused, and she became accustomed to doubting herself and wallowing in self-pity. Cat was everything Jade was against, but nevertheless, she was hooked.

She had ignored Cat for weeks, pretending she didn't know her in the hallways, even though it was herself she didn't know or understand. Cat knew exactly who she was, and she did no bother in hiding it either. Jade, however, was stubborn. She couldn't deal with the fact that she may have had feelings for a girl, so she dealt with it the only way she knew how… ignorance.

Jade wants Cat to know all this, she does, but she's having a hard time putting words together. She blocks her eyes from frowning upo- observing, one… particularly _special_ piece of Cat's furniture, using her own eyelids as the gateway to her mind. She needs to focus, but even her eyelids can't block out the florescent pink of Cat's walls. Cat just does something to her, and no matter how hard Jade tries, it – whatever 'it' is - won't subside. She makes Jade nervous, because everything with Cat is like improv. She's spontaneous and eccentric, and nothing Jade can do will ground her.

Her words won't form. Her tongues betrayed her, so she's straight back to the start.

* * *

Jade knows she was the one to suggest acting on impulse when she came around to _accepting _those feelings, but Cat did all the surprising. She almost always caught Jade off-guard, and she always put up a fight over dominance. At the time, it annoyed Jade a little, but when she was with Beck, when all her demands were met almost instantly, she realised how good she had it with Cat. Beck was great, but he never once fought, you know? With him, everything was predictable, routine even, and it aggravated Jade.

So, she pushed her luck. Jade roared and she stomped, and she pushed all of his buttons, waiting for him to lose his cool. It came rare, but when it did, he was still reluctant to fight. 'We need a break' or, 'I think we should spend some time apart', but he never once gave it back to Jade like Cat would have.

Problem is, Jades always doubted herself when it comes to Cat, because really, they're so opposite, so she can't help but think she's not right for her. She can't protect Cat, not like how Beck protected Jade, because she's not meant for that role. She thinks, maybe she's more like a sister, but again, the problem with that is, sisters don't share _this_ kind of love.

Sisters don't want to cuddle, hold each other or kiss, and they most certainly don't want to be together to witness everything - from the night before, to being there to pull out the first grey hair, throwing their heads back and laughing. She knows she's not a sister, and she knows she's not just a friend. But a lover? Surely that's a little _too _extravagant.

It's not though, especially not to Cat. That's exactly what she wants to be, Jade's lover. She wants to hold her, to cradle and touch her, claiming every inch of Jade's body as her own. It's what she's always wanted, and she had it once too, before it was _stolen_ away by Beck. Jade was hers, once.

'_Was, Caterina… **was**. Jade isn't yours anymore, so just get the hell over it.'_

* * *

Cat sighs into Jade's chest, and it's the first sign of frustration that's left her body since they found this position. Jade, on the other hand, is just glad she's found a distraction.

"I don't want to go away, Jadey..."

"What? I... Cat, look. Hate me all you want, but you're going tomorrow." Cat huffs in response, triggering Jade to move from her position so she's now upright, leaning against Cat's headboard. "You know what? I wouldn't be surprised if you never wanted to speak to me again actually, but you need this, Cat, you _need_ this."

Cat mirrored Jade's movement, propping herself up to sit crossed legged next to her, opting to face Jade instead of facing straight towards the window.

"_Please Jade."_

"Cat no. You have a disease… a _fucking_ disease. It needs to be treated Cat, and if you think I'm just going to hang around here and spectate while you kill yourself, then you've got another thing coming. I'm not here to watch you die Cat. I wont watch you die." Harsh? Maybe. But who would Jade be if she wasn't a little brutal at times?

"I don't want to Jade. They'll think I'm crazy, too." Jade swivels round so she's facing straight at Cat. _'I don't want to' what? Die or go to treatment? _Deep breath.

"You're not crazy Cat. You know that."

"How do I know that? Everyone tells me I am, and why would they lie to me Jade? Lying isn't nice."

"Because they're stupid, ignorant, and incompetent, fucking assholes." Cat's physical wince could be seen a mile off. _She's so damn sensitive. _"Freaking… a-holes?" There's that look again. "Fine, freaking jerks."

Cat nods appreciatively, dropping her head to watch her thumbs wrestle her fingers. "But my parents, Jade. It's why they left."

"They're stupid." Cat frowns. She doesn't like it when Jade talks about her parents that way. She'll always love and adore them; regardless, and Jade shouldn't always treat them like they don't deserve to breathe. They're still Cat's parents, after all.

"They're not…_stupid_. They just like to work." Jade's not entirely sure what Cat's parents do for a living, but she knows that they wouldn't have to work for years for the amount they have stored up in their banks. They're so fixated on getting to the top, they haven't realised that the thing they're using as an escape, is the one thing that'll drive them straight back to what they're running from.

_They can't work forever._

That's beside the point, "They still love you, and you know that, too." But Jade doesn't know that. Why she's so sure Cat does, she'll never know.

"Well if you love someone, you should show it." _Ouch, that stings a little._ "If they loved me, Jade, they'd be here… and so would my brother." _That's a good point, and where is her brother? _

"Where is you-"

"I'm pretty sure he's somewhere here in California. They won't tell me which hospital, and there's too many to search… but-"

"How did he get there?" Jade asks, intrigued.

She shrugs, "I came home from school with just a small note, 'He's in better care', it said, but I'm scared for him, you know? He doesn't like strange people."

Jade simply nods, processing everything, eventually establishing that she sort of, may have the perfect set up. She wants to explain the real reason she ended things instead of letting Cat dish out all the blame to Beck, and what a better set up then the subject of parents?

But her words won't form again.

"Cat. I, uh… I didn't leave you for Beck." One deep breath. Cat tensed incredibly at that, which then led to Jade tensing up out of nerves. _Just relax, just relax and get it over with._

"I know that it looked that way… and I know I let you believe that, but it wasn't him." Jade felt pathetic, she really did. Here she was feeling sorry for herself coming out with this, when if anyone had the right to possess self-pity, it would be Cat.

"I don't… understand." Jade can almost see her father scowling at her, scoffing, as he'd turn his nose up. _Man up, Jadelyn, _he would say. _Don't be like your mother. _She looks toward Cat, who's looking up at her with confusion written all over her face. Her eyes are darker than they usually are, but despite everything, Jade can still feel an ounce of warmth in them.

"I…I wasn't using my dad as an excuse to leave you for Beck… it's just, he didn't… He knew Cat, about us. At least I thought he did." Cat furrows her brows, latching on to every last word that leaves Jade's lips. "I was scared how he'd react if he caught us… so I ran from you… from everything. I'm sorry-"

"Jade." She clamps her eyes shut firmly, deep in thought. She's calm, which terrifies Jade a little, so her speech accelerates.

"I thought that it'd be easier to let you think that it was Beck's fault. I knew you wouldn't believe me when I told you the truth, so I figured that-"

"Jade." Again. Nice, calm, and slow.

"If I just let you think that then it would be-"

"Can I kiss you?"

"It would be easier if you didn't- can yo-you, wh…?"

Hyperventilating, almost.

Give her the choice Cat, and she'll say yes. Jade knows she should be saying no right now, because that's what's best. She should be saying no but instead she isn't saying anything, because to say no would be the right thing to do, and she's always had a knack for being a badass.

She nods, switching her stares between Cat's eyes and lips.

_Oh crap._

* * *

_A/N: Now, I should be saying something incredibly witty here, but, apparently, I'm all out and never really was in stock to begin with. It's sucks, I know._

_However!_

_I would like to ask if, from now on, you would prefer having whole chapters in Jade and Cat's - first person - point of view. _

_I'd appreciate it if you leave a review, because then it at least means I know people are actually reading and following this story. _

_Review! :)_


	10. Numb

No one Understands

Disclaimer: No, I do not own the show Victorious, which is sadly ending. *Cries into tissue* But, I do however own the bottle of soy sauce which I am currently proudly ogling. _It's just so shiny._

* * *

Cat got everything she didn't deserve, was told everything she didn't want to hear. Jade's doubts? They're massive. But Cat's? No one could describe how scared she must be, of all of this. She had everything, and it was taken away by the one true person who knew her for who she really was... Jade. It's hard for Jade to think like that, to think about how much she damaged Cat. She broke Cat's heart into tiny little pieces, and then went to the liberty of squashing them between the sidewalk and the soles of her shoes. Yet, Cat's still willing.

She's willing to trust, to love again. To love Jade again, and it's something Jade will never understand. Cat doesn't question, never says a word. Never raises her concerns, never brings up painful memories... never regrets. _Maybe it is, maybe its love. _For someone to be so forgiving after all they've done to you, for all their faults, maybe that's how love works. Maybe Jade's Cat's person.

Cat was ready to take the girl who cheated and fucked around for a whole two months, without a second thought...She was ready to take Jade back. _That's not true love, that's stupidity. _

Jade just doesn't understand. She's ashamed of what she did, and had she been in Cat's position she wouldn't have taken too smoothly. She would've broken her own hands strangling the one who betrayed her, and the bimbo who was to replace her, too. Why is Cat so forgiving? Would Jade have done the same? Maybe not. But, probably.

Jade's lies against her own sheets, Cat's scent no longer lingering. It's weird how much sleeping in your own bed can affect your mood, because now she's back at home again, everything's become lonelier. Cat's no longer beside her, Cat's no longer anywhere. It hit Jade how much she really needed Cat when she drove home from the treatment centre, because now everything's in black and white, and she misses the colour red.

Jade's reminded that Cat's no longer an arm's length away when she rolls over and faces nothing but an empty bed. No Cat. Jade rolls back over to her right side, arm stretched out to her bed-side table, rummaging through the several objects she comes across. After finding one of particular interest, in hopes of a distraction, she absentmindedly throws it up, catching it just before it collides with her skull.

She does this for a while, counting to sixty before switching arms. She watches the object in interest, stopping for a moment to examine it and figure out what the hell it actually is. Ductile, somewhat slimly, and only now does it resemble the fatty lump she claimed from a Cab-drivers back the day Rex almost died. She doesn't even have it in her smile at the memory; instead, she makes a note to wash her hands later.

She continues to throw it into the air again repeatedly, ensuring to stay coherent enough to catch it before it falls upon her, keeping her focus. She closes her eyes for a split second, and that's all it takes for to end up straight back in Cat's room, tangled between Cat and the disregarded sheets.

Vanilla seeping up and into her nostrils, caressing her from the inside. Cat's breath beating against her neck, cold chills circling the trail Cat's leaving behind, with her cherry-coloured lips, as she moves down to Jade's collarbone. Cat's breathing is sharp, spiralling out of her mouth in quick short bursts, sucking in as much oxygen as she can as her body tries to catch up with her… and all of a sudden Jade's having trouble breathing, too. A second is all it takes, before Jade is snatched back into reality, as the fatty lump comes hurdling down, smacking into her jaw.

Jade jumps up, running straight into the bathroom for cover.

The mirror tells her she's flustered, rosy-red plastered onto her cheeks. She disgusted in her own reaction, twisting the taps of the sink, bucketing cold fresh water in her hands, and drowning her face with it. It takes her a minute to catch her breath, watching on as her reflection regain's its natural, pale complexion.

She scowls at her mirrored self, because it was pathetic of her to react that way. To blush. So What? It was a few kisses which almost turned into something more, there's no need for such a reaction. It's not like that's the first time things picked up pace unexpectedly, it's not the first time Cat's kissed her in such ways. Though, it's redeemed all her theories correct, and coping got a whole lot more complicated.

That kis- _those_ kisses, proved Cat to be true, because she didn't lie to Jade.

She meant it.

She meant it when she said she loved her. Loved _Jade._

_Cat loves Jade._

Jade's mascara is damp, collecting under her eyes, but she doesn't bother to clean it away. No, this is how she should look. Depressed, eerie... Intimidating. She's shut herself off, because not only will she not see Cat for possibly months, but she can't even tell her she loves her back. She would cry, but she doesn't have that in her, either. To cry means you feel, and that's just it. Jade's currently emotionless. Numb.

Poker-faced.

* * *

Every second is a second she wastes thinking of Cat. Nothing in her room can distract her. The TV is a dud, she's read every book she possesses, and nothing she owns seems mildly interesting. She looks toward her phone, completely forgotten by her bedside cabinet. She contemplates, maybe this time she'll get through.

She almost immediately marches over across the room, retrieving her phone and punching in a number she's already memorised. She doesn't care if she's already called twice today, because she needs to speak with her. 'Only one call a week,' they say, 'patients tend to recover more efficiently when their connections to the outside world are minimal.' But who gives a damn though, right? Because Jade hasn't got her call, and she'll call every fucking hour is she has to.

She needs that damn call.

"Woodleaf Eating Disorder Center, how may I help you?" The receptionist asks, in a tone way to cheery for anyone to bare. Jade gets straight to the point, because any time wasted is time she could be using to talk to Cat.

"I'd like to speak with a patient, Cat Valentine."

"Of course, I'll put you through to her unit in just a second. May I ask whose calling?"

"Jade."

"Right, I'll direct you over to her section now."

A low toned beep is sounded, telling Jade she's been passed on to Cat's ward. She tries not to, but her hopes are set high anyway. "Section D of Woodleaf, how may I assist you?"

"Uh, it's me, Jade." She nervous, and it's possibly the first emotion other than guilt she's felt all day. She already knows whose she's speaking with, and he's the only person between her and Cat talking, so naturally, Jade's made sure to keep on his good side.

"Ahh, Jade. I suspected as much. How have you been?" I'll let Cat know of your call, but I can't guarantee anything." He tells Jade, not for the first time this week, sadly.

"I know."

Jade's put on hold for around a minute or so, and by the time the disgusting jolly music stops, the anticipation is already too much.

"Jade, I'm sorry." Jade's heart sinks once again, because it isn't Cat's voice which calls her name. "Cat's not at a good point right now, but I can always pass on a message?" The disappointment clogs her throat, and she shakes her head for a couple of seconds before she realises she can't be seen.

"No, that's okay."

"I suppose I'll speak with you tomorrow, no doubt? Well, have a lovely day, Miss West."

Jade croaks in response, having nothing to say back to the man who tries so hard to soften the blow. Cat won't speak with her, plain and simple. There's no need for sugar-coated excuses.

At that, Jade hangs up. Another unsuccessful day. She collapses back onto her bed, hoping sleep will wash over her. This time, she doesn't even care if she never wakes, because Cat won't talk to her and there's just no point.

* * *

A/N: I know this chapter is shorter than most, but I had several chapters on my computer, ready to be posted before it died on me, and after that I completely lost motivation.

If you're disappointed that I didn't include Cat and Jade's kiss or the two saying goodbye to one another, don't worry, it's all to come. (In flashback form of course.)

I decided to jump to Cat being straight in treatment because I can and there's nothing you can do about it, *sticks tongue out and gloats* :D

Anyway, review and bless me with your thoughts. If you don't, I'll kick a kitten. :]

Just kidding, I'm allergic to Cats. ;)


	11. Demands and disobedience

No one Understands

Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious, sadly.

* * *

She sits alone, choosing to interact with no-one but only those whom she has to. Even then it's 50/50. Her legs are drawn to her chest, arms valiantly locking them in place as if it's the only barrier between her and the demons which surround her. She wonders if her parents know she's here. She wonders if they've been called.

She's in her room, backed up against the wall in the far corner atop her mattress, that way she can see everything around her. Her eyes aren't so easy to trick then. She had yet to introduce herself to her roommate before she was moved to another section. Cat hates it here, but it's the only place she can be alone; and even that's not completely true. She's on suicide watch, but not because she's tried harming herself. She's spiritless and withdrawn, and apparently shows signs of self-mutilation. The fit she threw when she got here probably didn't help either, but all she knows is that they won't take any chances.

There's not much in this room, except a foam mattress and thinly padded walls. There's nothing to look at, which if anything, makes any self-loathing worse. All of Cat's negative thought processes end up back at herself, and how these jeans are far too tight. Not even the 'doctors' here trust her, so why are they so adamant in gaining hers? She's sure it has to go both ways. Cat can't be trusted, obviously, and she's only been here a few days. And what makes them so trustworthy when all they're trying to do is make her fat?

'_**You can't trust those kinds of people, Caterina. They'll try to bring you down.'**_

She knows that. She can't trust anyone, only herself. Her trust always ends up shattered at her feet, so she never gives it out anymore. It's strange really, she thinks, seeing as the one person who she's trusted no matter what is the same person who broke her heart too. _You can't trust her either_, it tells her. You can't trust Jade.

'_**She's trying to break you. Stay strong, Kitty. I'll get you through this.'**_

She believes it too.

Jade's trying to break her.

* * *

The door swings open once more, telling Cat that another 10 minutes have gone by, but it's not quite the nurse she had been expecting.

"Cat, you have another call waiting if you'd like." Her key worker, Dr. Stevens informs her.

_Jade._

She almost forgets, shifting her weight slightly as if to pull herself up, before remembering.

'_**No, you mustn't. She's a snake Caterina. It's all part of her scheme.'**_

She doesn't know what she feels, because she's not quite angry. She's hurt if anything, and she inwardly grudges against these conflicted feelings of hers. Stevens doesn't move from the door, patiently waiting upon her answer, although fully aware of which of the two she'll choose.

Cat freezes, because maybe if she doesn't move then time will stop too, and she won't have to think about any of this. Maybe everything will go quiet, and her brain won't feel so pressured and divided. She sulks, too low to be heard by her key worker, who's now sympathetically looking down upon Cat's small frame. Cat hides her head between her knees and chest, her hot breath beating back against her own face.

'_**No, Caterina. Tell him no.'**_

But she doesn't want to. She wants to hear what Jade has to say, she wants to know if her family knows. Jade could be the one to finally answer all of her questions.

Cat shakes her head in the small space provided, not trusting the message her voice may convey. Her mind and body don't match up too well, because where her head tells her to be strong, her body tells her she can't. _It _can't. Not anymore. She's trapped between the two, which battle against each other for the upper hand. Her body struggles to cope with the everlasting ache, while her mind gets sick pleasure out of the power it's endowed with.

"No," Cat whispers. She can't, she's not strong enough.

'_**Good girl, Caterina. You're doing so well.'**_

* * *

The line goes dead on the other end, because apparently Cat's key worker mistook Jade's silent sobs as an absence, when once again Cat deliberately ignored her call.

Jade needs something to hold onto, because until she can see Cat again, all that's left of the red-head in memory is of that last embrace Jade shared with her, before Cat was sent away in a pre-arranged taxi. She has nothing but the sheer memory of Cat's last words and the acknowledgment that they had actually kissed at some point, but soon enough that'll be gone too. Much like the temporary red ink which Cat generously inscribed onto Jade's skin.

Jade's gutted really, because she didn't even get her kiss her the way she wanted to. It almost felt wrong to kiss Cat back that way. It was like Jade was afraid Cat would break under the pressure of her fingertips, like her touch would threaten the collapse of Cat's body at the extra weight everyone knew it couldn't handle.

Her fingertips barely touched the glove wrapped around Cat's bones, and she didn't dare brush the tears which cascaded down Cat's cheekbones. She couldn't bring herself to, because even when saying goodbye to Cat, Jade felt as if that if she applied just a little too much pressure, Cat's bones would disintegrate into ash, catching in the wind, never to be seen again.

It was one thing that Cat was already in the mist of breaking, and Jade wasn't going to be the one to take it to the next level. So she didn't hold Cat the way she _normally_ would, and she didn't kiss her the way she _wanted_ to, instead, she tenuously responded to Cat's lips, just trying not to be so rough.

The raven-haired girl sets her phone on the pillow to her right, eyes glancing upon the tattoo on her forearm. Jade just about smiles at one of the once-white segments of the tattooed star, which Cat had recently scribbled over in red pen. She traces her finger over the outline, as if expecting the skin to feel different in some way.

Cat used to draw over Jade's tattoo all the time, colouring the same triangle in no colour other than red. 'A star had 5 sides', Cat said. 'So do you, Jadey.' Cat would trace over each section of the tattoo at the time, fingers hovering over the point which she was talking about. 'This part, this one right here, Jade. This is your friends'. The red-head would always start on the same one, skipping the first and going on straight for the second.

'Ooh! And this one Jadey, this one is for your family!' She'd slide her finger onto each side of the star etched permanently on Jade's skin, arising Goosebumps while doing so, explaining to Jade what each point of the star stood for. Cat would only go as far as explaining four sides though, always hesitating and never going on to explain the fifth. It was the only one she'd never speak of, and it was the only one she'd colour red, too.

It was only until Jade had admitted to loving Cat when Cat grew brave enough. Cat gulped when Jade asked that question. 'What's the fifth one for, Cat?' Of course she was unsure, but apparently Jade's confession was enough to encourage her.

'_**This one is for your friends, because you love them no matter, even if you never tell them.' **_She told Jade, stoking her tattoo simultaneously.

'_**The second one is for your family, because you'd never have discovered your passion if they never helped with funding.'**_

'_**This third one is for performing; it's where you feel most at home. When you sing, Jadey, and when you act, you're a whole different person.'**_She had smiled at Jade then, to let her know that that's neither a good or bad thing, but a Jade thing.

'_**The fourth is your gratitude, for everything you've been given and for every opportunity you've had.'**_

'_**And the fifth... the fifth is red.' **_Cat had nodded to reassure herself, her eyes scanning over the top of the star, debating whether or not to back out.

'**Red?' **Jade asked, head tilted.

'_**Me.'**_

Jade stood up from the couch, grabbing her phone and keys before heading to the door. If Cat won't answer her calls, then hell, she'll march straight in there and protest until she can see her.

She's in the car before she has time to back out, heading straight for Woodleaf. She's rehearsing what she'll say, to the doctors there and Cat herself, tip toeing around all the different ways she can tell Cat she loves her back.

If there's one thing she'll do today, it's telling Cat exactly how she feels, regardless.

* * *

In the time that it takes Dr. Stevens to leave Cat's room, Cat's already on verge of her second breakdown... today. She keeps it together for the most part, but when her allocated nurse returns to Cat another 10 minutes later, informing Cat it's time for snacks, she hits breaking point.

She can't have snacks, lunch wasn't that long ago, and she cannot put on any more weight. These people here, they've been trying to tell Cat any weight she puts on is a good thing, the _right_ thing, but she's not that naive. She knows they're manipulating her; she's not completely stupid, contrary to popular belief.

Her nurse awaits Cat's movement, but when it doesn't come after a few calls, she treads sensitively towards Cat, half expecting her to lash out again.

"Please," Cat pleads, "please don't make me do it."

"Cat, you know the conditions. You haven't finished a full meal nor snacks since you got here 5 days ago. You know that if you don't do this, they'll have no choice but to pass the NG tube." The young nurse reminds Cat, placing her hand on the tearful girl's shoulder. "Do you really want that?"

Cat doesn't respond initially, pondering the ups and downs of having an NG tube inserted. It sounds scary, but that small part of her which has recently warped and caused such a mess in her brain is telling her yes, that that's what she wants.

The young nurse helps Cat up, taking her along to the dining hall where the rest of the young patients will surely be. Cat hasn't spoken to any of them yet, and if her tears are any indication, she's not in the mood to start any relationships today.

She takes the seat furthest away from the rest of the patients, and although her therapist has advised her not to isolate herself in such a lonely place, she does it anyway. She tries to think of her brother when her snacks are placed in front of her. She tries to think of anything other than the calories she's expected to eat, even thinking of Jade for a few minutes.

'_**Jade would want you to eat this Caterina; she'd want you to eat this because she wants you to gain weight. But you don't want to gain weight, do you Caterina?'**_

_No, I don't._

'_**Jade only wants you to fail, she wants rid of you.'**_

_Don't say that._

'_**You know I'm being true, it's why this hurts so badly. Forget about Jade and ignore the temptations of the poison placed in front of you.'**_

_She loves me._

'_**No, Caterina. She doesn't. If she did, would you be here? Would she have sent you away?**__'_

_She's just scared._

'_**Of what? Of you? Don't be so foolish. She never did love you Caterina, she only put up with you out of pity**__.'_

_No! She did! At least she used to, I swear._

'_**No, never.'**_

_Please just stop, please._

'_**You can't let anyone fool you, stop being so goddamn naive.'**_

_I'm sorry, I won't do it. _

'_**You need to stick up for yourself, show these people you're not one to be subjected. You're not the girl who you thought Jade loved, you've grown, and you've developed. You need to get that girl out of your head; she's nothing but an annoyance and a fraud.'**_

_Okay, just please. Leave Jade alone. I won't eat, I won't speak, I won't do anything, just please leave her out of this. You don't know her like I do. You don't __**know**__ her._

'_**Do you doubt my abilities Caterina? Do you not trust me? You can't do this without me. I'M your only friend. JADE should no longer exist in your eyes, because you sure as hell don't exist in hers. She gave up on you a long time ago **_**Cat, **_**and if it wasn't for me, you'd just be in another hole in the ground.'**_

_Sorry. I'm sorry._

'_**Sorry won't make Jade love you, sorry won't make you skinny.'**_

_I know. I trust you, you'll make me skinny, and you'll make me pretty._

'_**Never go against my trust Caterina, because if you lose me, you'll have no one.'**_

_I'm sorry. I trust you. I'll always trust you, and I'll make it up to you._

'_**And never disobey me again.'**_

_I won't, I promise. I won't eat._

_I'll just take the tube._

* * *

"What the hell do you _mean_ 'she's having morning snacks', it's half four!" Jade growls, hugely upset that she can't see Cat until she finishes eating.

"Jadelyn West, is it? Are you family to Miss Valentine?" One of the receptionists asks.

"_Jade,_ and practically." Jade corrects, growing impatient.

"I'm sorry, practically?" She urges.

"I'm all she's got."

"Well, Jade, I've contacted one of the supervisors on Cat's ward, and I've been informed that it's protocol that those on suicide watch are forbidden to have visi-"

"SUICIDE WATCH? CAT'S ON SUICIDE WATCH!" The elder girl screeches, her voice straining at the dissonance it projects.

"Miss West please, Cat is fine, it's totally normal for new patients to be submitte-" The receptionist with a name tag of 'Elizabeth' attempts to reassure.

"Suicide watch is normal in this place? What kind of wackjob treatment centre are you running here? Do you just put ALL of your patients on suicide watch?" The dark haired girl is causing quite the scene, her face glowing red from the frustration.

"Ahh, Jade. I've been hoping to meet you again." A male voice interrupts from behind the two, and Jade instantly recognises him as the man she often speaks with when requesting Cat. "Elizabeth, I'll handle this. Jade, would you like to come with me?"

Jade hesitantly follows, unsure of his sudden intervening, but as long as he takes her to Cat no one will have to get hurt here.

"I assume you're aware of Cat's current position, yes?"

"If you're talking about the suicide watch, then yes, you could say I'm aware." Jade remarks, because she's sure he overheard all the commotion back there.

"Yes, well that too, but I was referring to the NG tube." He says questionably.

"NG tube?"

"So you're not aware." He almost mocks, "An NG tube is a small naso-gastric tube which is inserted via the nose into the stomach." Jades aware what it is, she's not completely out of it.

"Yes, I know _what_ it is, but why the hell does it apply to Cat?" She spits, aggravation setting in. She turns the corner, struggling to keep up with his rapid pace through these halls.

"Cat's been rebelling against the program, and she was informed yesterday that if she continued her refusal of food and drink, it'll be passed." He says with regret, as if it's actually causing him pain to speak about.

"Cut to the chase."

Stevens' motions ahead of him, coming to a stop a few meters away from a narrow-windowed door, with the letters 'C23' on a plaque.

"As of right now, Cat's having the tube inserted."

* * *

A/N – Woohoo, another update

Spelling and grammatical mistakes will be fixed shortly, at a time where I'm not struggling to keep my eyes firmly open.

Anyway, to anyone who noticed, Jade's star tattoo is actually partially already coloured red, but I didn't realise that until just now, minutes from updating. Let's just pretend it's normally just black and white, and all will be well.

[If you were even unaware of Jade's tattoo, this is what it looks like: (remove spaces) www3 . images. cools /photos/ 404886/ja delyn-jade -west-and- tattoos -gallery . jpg ]

Oh, and in another note, If you noticed, i did change my name to 'LackingLucidity'. But only because people kept quizzing if it was me who wrote this, and it leads to awkward answers and a whole lot of denial. (Don't worry, i will eventually think of a better name).

Anyway, as always, review and share your thoughts and anticipations!


	12. Reciprocations

No one Understands

Disclaimer: There are two things you should know about me. One, I'm a prevaricator, and two, I do own Victorious.

* * *

After startling the nurse's from her sudden entrance, Jade's instructed to help calm the distempered red-head who's in the process of an emotional collapse. Cat's allocated nurses are struggling to restrain her, with Cat's arms fighting off the lock her nurses are trying to enforce. Cat doesn't notice Jade. Not even when her Dr. Stevens calls out the dark-haired beauty's name.

Jade barely hears Stevens, because the sight in front of her alone is enough to temporarily displace anyone, no matter how aware they claim they are.

"Jade, talk to her. Let's see how she responds to you."

And that's something Jade hates. That this man who she only knows by name is treating this like an experiment. _Like a game. _Cat's not one of his lab-rats, and Jade is certainly not going to be his little assistant in this.

But then there's Cat, squirming about in the nurses grip, face as bright as her red velvet hair. There's the desperation in the red-head's screams which Jade can't bear to hear, and it makes it hard to just sit back and watch.

Jade _knows_ she's technically shouldn't be here. She knows she's only _really_ here because Cat won't listen or talk to anyone here. _Because she still refuses food._ These people seem to think that in those deluded brains' of theirs, Jade can make everything better... make their jobs easier. She hates it when people tell her what to do... when people _expect_ things from her. What does Stevens think this will achieve? This isn't something Jade can fix. She knows because she's tried.

This isn't something she can fix.

She can still feel his eyes upon her back, clipboard in hand ready to make some of those precious notes of his. It makes Jade furious, because this isn't a damn research facility. He should be helping. _He_ should be calming Cat, reassuring her while he strokes her hair, telling her everything's going to be okay... like_ she_ used to. Before it became his job.

The nurses keep giving quick, short looks back at Jade, waiting for her to step in and _do something_ _already._ Even in this tiny room, Cat still isn't aware of Jade's presence, which is an unusual thing in itself, really. Usually everyone notices the Goth when she's around. People need to be weary, watch themselves in the presence of someone so high up on the social status.

But here she's just Jade. No one gives a damn about what she may or may not be able to do to your social life. To everyone here, she's just the Jade that may have an influence on another patient's behaviour.

Cat's screams are still very prominent to Jade, and even in such a situation Cat's voice still escapes into her bellowing, and it's something Jade takes as a good sign. Maybe Jade does become a different person when_ she's_ singing, but Cat does too. Even in the worst of situations, even now, Cat sounds melodious, like she _could _be singing. Singing means Cat's still here, no matter if only a little.

Cat's singing voice will never change, not in spirit. It may mature, it may hoarsen with age, but she'll always sing with the same passion, and she'll always be the girl who loves pop music. When singing, Cat's just Cat. Old Cat. Cat minus her disorder.

Maybe Cat's singing.

Maybe her disorder hasn't taken over completely yet.

Jade steps forward, and she's definitely sure Cat notices her now that she's taken Cat's face in hands. Jade relaxes physically, her hands warming at the heat which bleeds from Cat's skin.

* * *

The ex-cupcake lover freezes in her spot, instantaneously quietening down, no longer screeching for her release. She feels the death grip on her arms and shoulders from the nurses; sure she'll bruise in the shape of clenched hands. She notices the gentle touch Jade brings to her cheeks, fingertips barely contacting her skin.

Too shocked to move.

For a moment, the red-head's free. For a while, there's no treatment. There's no disorder, no stupid NG tube... no voice.

Just Jade.

For a while, she forgets.

Her eyes are locked with Jade's, body immobile.

For a while, it's just Jade and Cat, the girl she's irrevocably in love with. It's cuddles and happiness and no Beck and no dizziness, just love. Just Jade, just love.

But in a reaction quicker then blinking, Cat snatches her head away from Jade, out of the realisation that Jade isn't holding her like this because she cares. This isn't a loving embrace, it's Jade tricking her into keeping her head still... It's Jade forcing the NG tube down her throat.

'_**Get her away Caterina, she'll drown you.'**_

"Cat, please, keep still." It's not Jade's voice. Cat knows this because she's been watching Jade intently, and not a single syllable has left those lips.

The fragile girl starts to squirm, a pathetic attempt to break free from all the hands. _The evil._Jade holds Cat's head still, much to her own regret, her eyes begging Cat to do as the nurse tells.

"This'll only cause you more distress, Cat. You need to stay still." The first nurse instructs. Dr. Stevens is still by the door, clipboard in hand. He's taking notes, presumably on how the feeble girl reacts with Jade in the room.

Cat continues to thrash her head around, avoiding Jade's gaze, but primarily, all _**she's**_ focused on now is her obedience.

'_**Fight Caterina, put up a fight. You're not the girl who just gives in, no matter who's in the damn room.'**_

'_**You need to show them, prove yourself.'**_

'_**You can't back Down, Caterina. Bite the nurses if you must.'**_

She's plagued with the pressure of keeping everyone happy, unsure if what's expected of her is what she wants.

Stay still.

_**Stay skinny.**_

Eat.

_**Purge.**_

Gain weight.

_**Die.**_

Recover.

_**Relapse.**_

Love Jade.

_**Hate Jade.**_

"Open your mouth, Cat."

_**No.**_

"Breathe."

She doesn't know what's happening, but it's dark and she's struggling to breathe. Cat's mouth flies open, and the opportunity is snatched and the tube is shoved completely up her proboscis. Cat's tears fog her vision, transforming everything into shapes and streaks of colour. Breathing through her nose isn't much of an option at the moment, and the natural reaction to do so was making her disorientated.

She couldn't breathe through her nose, and she wouldn't breathe through her mouth.

'_**CATERINA NO! GET IT OUT! DON'T LET THEM WIN.'**_

The red-head is unsure of the happenings around her, just vaguely aware of Jade pinching her nose to secure the tube, while it's wedged up further and into her throat. (Then hopefully down through her oesophagus and into her stomach.) Her senses overload her, combined with the un-preventable reaction to gag, and she's just had enough.

Cat pushes Jade over and onto the floor before she's realised what she's done, and proceeds to scratch and bite at the nurses' arms until she's released. Her strings have snapped, and she's completely out of tune. She doesn't know what she's doing, threats spiralling out of her mouth before she can stop them. She lunges for the door, halting at the voice she never expected to hear again.

_What? _

She turns to Jade panting, who's exasperated in front of her.

"Yeah, Cat. I do." Jade's voice raspy and hoarse, practically breathless.

"...Y-you... Re-ally?" Anxiety.

The raven-haired girl nods, sucking in as much oxygen as possible, filling up every balloon branched off of her lungs that she can.

"Still."

"St-still?" Jade makes her way over to Cat, whose inches upon escape by the door. Jade takes note of one of the nurses, whose cradling her arm, with grazes in the perfect shape of Cat's nails. She'd sympathise, but she's not Tori. She really couldn't give a damn about the nurses right now.

She hesitantly hugs Cat, because in this state Cat would gauge her own mother's eyes out. Cat doesn't respond to the embrace, her body raking with splattered and broken sobs. Upon releasing Cat, while one of the nurses tends to her own arm, the other gently steers Cat back over to the exam table.

This time, Cat doesn't object.

Dr. Stevens starts to profusely scribble in his little diary, Jade notices. She also notices how small Cat looks as she's propped up on the bed, and held in place as the second nurse rejoins them, just for extra measures.

Jade thinks about offering a smile, but smiling connotes happiness, and this definitely isn't a happy place. Instead, she reassuringly nods over to Cat, who responds by sucking in an extended breath and clamping her eyes shut. The red-head grips the wax sheet, knuckles white.

"Stay still."

* * *

Cat vomits after being instructed to swallow, but luckily enough the tube was too far in to retract. Once the tube was inserted, the slack is taped to Cat's face and tucked behind her ear. Cat's physical discomfort bothers Jade, and if it wasn't for Cat's own good, Jade would've probably demanded for it to be removed again.

While Cat's core team go over her new obligations and precautions which come with the tube with Cat, Jade is taken to the public waiting room, where she is to wait for the time being. Dr. Stevens had explained that it's not exactly allowed to have guests in the examination rooms, but an exception was made for Jade due to Cat's need of encouragement. She thanks him in return, not really paying attention to his ramblings. He's not saying anything she doesn't already know, so it's pointless. Besides, she's preoccupied.

She's scared...Terrified even.

What if Cat's recovery is sped through because of Jade's actions? What if Cat comes out of treatment expecting something from Jade which she might not be able to give?

What if Cat wants a relationship? Publicity isn't exactly Jade's forte, especially not when her father could find out. God forbid, what if he does? What will he say- _what will he DO?_

It's too much to think about for now. She'll save it for another time. _Stay in the present._

* * *

Around an hour post Cat's tube insertion, one of Cat's other Key workers finds Jade in the waiting room and tells her it's best if she heads home for the day.

"Jade, Cat's been through a lot today, emotionally. It's best if she gets some rest. A day like today is bound to have her exhausted." Jade had figured as much, but that doesn't mean she's not disappointed. Jade stands and heads for the door.

"Oh, and Jade?" The elder girl twirls back around, frowning at the plump woman quizzically. "Cat wished for me to pass on a message if she wasn't to see you again. She'd like you to know that 'the feelings mutual'. That mean anything to you Jade?" Cat's key worker mirrors Jade's genuine smile.

Of course it means something. Even if it is something that jade already knew, the reminder still makes her stomach flip. _She really does love me, huh._

Jade smiles the whole car ride home.

* * *

It's been a stressful –but productive- day, Jade thinks once she collapses onto her bed. Tomorrow's Sunday, _whoa wait... If it's... fuck. School starts again on Monday. Crap._

What will Jade say? Cat's only once taken a day off school her whole life, and that was for a wedding. What will people say when they realise Cat's not enthusiastically giggling along while they gossip about the happenings in their holiday?

Does she tell their friends and Tori? Should she lie and say Cat's on holiday? That a family member has died and she flew to London for the funeral? She's moved to Africa?

Is she supposed to tell the truth?

The _whole_ truth?

_That she and Cat used to fool around together but then she chickened out because she was scared her disapproving father would catch them so she dated Beck for years just as a cover up at first but then she really did fall in love with him and then when they broke up she found Cat in the bathroom throwing up and Cat's bulimic and that she never really did stop loving Cat and vice versa but now Cat's in Wood leaf's treatment program and she's on an Ng tube and she won't eat or drink anything and today she finally told Cat how she felt and who knows when everyone will see Cat again?_

No, she can't tell them that. Don't be stupid.

Jade sighs. She's probably going to hell.

* * *

A/N: Yay, another chapter. I was going to make this chapter _sooooo _dramatic but I changed my mind without even realising.

Hehe, pretty much summed up the whole story in 115 words just up there (^^) AND without the use of commas or actual sentences. Pretty proud tbh, since I overuse them way too much.

Anyway, enough with the rambling. Review :D


	13. Confessions

No-one understands.

Disclaimer: Doesn't the word 'disclaimer' speak for itself?

* * *

She's been working herself up about this since Saturday night. School. School without Cat. She's running late again, but she knows if she pushes it, she'll get in on time with maybe even time to spare. Jade has gone over the many excuses she could potentially use in her head, but she's gone against most of them out of hate, and has simply decided to do what she does best.

Deny everything.

She pulls up in the HA parking lot, and sure enough, her speeding has got her there with 7 minutes to get organised. Nervous is an understatement, because anything and everything could go wrong today. Jade takes a shaky breath, preparing herself.

She's good a lying, its okay. She's got this.

* * *

"What do you want, Vega." Jade spits, slamming her locker shut to face the annoyance.

"I was just wondering if you know where Cat is..." Tori stammers, a little cautious of Jade's obvious terrible mood. She has to be the Jade everyone knows, and if that means insulting Cat, then that's what she has to do. She can't let her guard down, not today.

"How should I know where an incompetent little red-head goes in her free time?" Jade snaps, more angry at herself for how emotional she's gotten just at the sound of her ex-lover's name, than anything.

"Well I just figured, seeing as she's your best friend and all." Jade aches at that, because it feels almost like a mock, an insult of such. Jade weaves around Tori, heading in the direction of her next class. Tori, on point as always, follows.

"I don't have best friends." She tries for harsh, but it's weak. Her voice cracks, and if she weren't so concerned about the tears collecting behind her eyelids, she'd probably come up with a better cover-up than coughing.

Jade speeds up at the breach of her vocal chords, pissed at herself and Vega for triggering such emotions. She knows it's not actually Tori's fault, and she'd feel like such a mess regardless, but pinning the blame on Vega makes it easier to cope with.

Tori catches up with Jade in little time, practically jogging beside Jade at the pace in which the actress's legs move.

"So you don't have any idea where she is?" The Latina speaks in a tone almost sarcastic, stopping Jade dead at that.

"How many fucking times do I have to spell it out for you? I don't know where Cat is, not do I give a shit." Tori looks completely disheartened at Jade's verbal attack, but surely she should be used to it by now. "If you love Cat so much, go fucking marry her or something. Just leave me the hell alone."

"No one said anything about love, Jade." Tori gives Jade a twisted, sceptical look, like she has the impression that there's a double meaning hidden in Jade's remark.

"Go away." Jade pronounces, a little too calm calmly, exhaustion staining her voice.

Tori, momentarily torn, has trouble arbitrating whether or not she should actually comfort Jade, now that her vulnerability is starting to streak through. She must be still caught up about her break-up with Beck, Tori thinks. The brunette rests her hand on Jade's arm, a look of sympathy taking up her features.

"Fuck off, Tori." It's the first time Jade has addressed the youngest Vega by her first name in a while, and the venom she speaks it with almost makes Tori flinch, intimidated by the Goth's unnaturally natural behaviour.

Jade throws Tori's arm off her own almost immediately, because Cat's the only one who gets to touch her. The singer doesn't move, and Jade takes an un-easy exhale, growing aggravated with the Latina with each second.

"Jade," It's that sympathetic tone again, those needy little expectant eyes, and the dark-haired girl's had enough. She shoves Tori aside and onto the floor, side-stepping around the groaning girl and passing through the corridor, to her class. She doesn't need to look back at Tori to feel her shocked gaze, moving on through, and into Sikowitz's classroom.

Tori soon joins the class, albeit a little late, and takes the seat furthest away from the temperamental Goth. She huffs about the girl in question to no-one in particular, confused as to why she's being so excessively hostile.

* * *

It's lunch, and Jade's currently the only one seated at a table in the asphalt Cafe. She's joined by Robbie, Andre and Tori, and apparently, all three of them mistake her devilish glare with an invitation to sit with her.

Jade launches from the table before any of her 'companions' even make contact with the table, proclaiming words that should never be repeated. She storms off back into school, followed by the curious eyes of Tori Vega, who just can't seem to let today's earlier incident go.

"Okay, what's wrong with Jade." Tori speaks, accusingly.

"Isn't there something always wrong with Jade?" Andre says before he takes a bite of his taco, giving Tori a nonchalant shrug.

"No, seriously. I mean, she's always a little bit bitter, yeah, but I've never seen her _this _malicious before." Tori gestures in the direction Jade disappeared to, using her hands as if to help the two boys see things in her light.

"Maybe she's still bummed out about Beck." The ventriloquist says, triggering Tori's mild paranoia. She scans the Asphalt Cafe, double-checking that Beck isn't within earshot, just as a precaution. You'll never know, he could somehow get offended.

"Ha, 'bummed'." The puppet sneers, his limp body swaying as his laughter is projected.

"Rex!"

Tori, for whatever reason, sees Jade's embellished anger as a completely humourless situation, like it's so out-of-the-blue for Jade to be in such a foul mood. "Can we please just take this seriously for once?"

"No offense Tori, but why do you care? It's not like Jade is ever nice to you or anything..." Robbie's statement has Tori wondering, because she herself has little clue as to why she feels so involved. Maybe it's because of her general need to get Jade to like her, or maybe it's something more. She just honestly doesn't know.

She stutters before answering, unsure on how to go about it and explain to boys, who'd naturally just never understand how a girl like Tori thinks.

"I know but, I just feel like... I'm responsible or something. Is that weird?"

The musician gives the Latina a quizzical look, like her confession is nothing short of alien. "Lil bit."

"Yep-er-ri-doo." The nerdish, awkward teen coos.

"Would one of you talk to Beck for me? See if he can smooth things over?" The brunette makes a begging action, whining and stretching out her words. She doesn't know why, but she pouts too, hoping whatever twisted face she must be pulling will be enough to convince her two friends to do her this favour for her. _"Pleaseee?"_

"Now I know you're not pulling that face on me, man. You know I can't take that." She feels Andre giving in, so she seals the deal and gives them the puppy dog eyes, apparently pulling it off perfectly.

"Fine." Robbie sighs, "We'll talk to him."

Tori gives her thanks and appreciation before leaving the table, instinctively following in the same direction Jade had not short of 2 minutes ago, leaving the boys to ponder Tori's request and concerns.

* * *

She doesn't mean to, but Tori ends up checking the Janitors closet in a subconscious search for Jade, and as expected, the Goth is backed up against the wall, eyes downcast.

"Jade."

"Fuck off, Vega." Jade isn't startled by Tori's entrance, because since she stupidly forgot to lock the door, someone walking in on her was inevitable. She's actually just a little glad it's only Tori.

"Please, I want to help you." The door is closed by a knock from Tori's hip, locked instantly as it clicked in place.

"Who said I wanted _your _help?" Jade looks up a Tori now, mascara shadowing her sockets. "Of all people, do you really think I'd go to _you _for help, even If I needed it?"

"I just thought,"

"Well you thought wrong." Tori's breath hitches at Jade's tone, because she's never seen the girl so broken.

"Has this got something to do with Beck?" Tori's tall, slender form can be seen in Jade's irises, the tears which ghost her eyes playing a part in making them completely reflectant.

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't know, I guess you seem like you're mourning someone, or something you've had and lost." _Almost, Vega, I'll give you that._

"Close, but no."

"Listen Jade, I'm not here to patronise, nor judge. I'm not going to look down on you, and I'm sure I can handle anything you have to say." Tori edges closer to Jade, looking down at the seated girl.

"Vega..." She tries to warn Vega, to get her to leave her alone, but she's just too persistent for her own good. Tori sits down to the left of Jade, her long legs crossing under each other.

"I'm serious! I'll listen to anything you have to say! Talk about sex or even you're first time if you really want to! I just hate the fact that you're not yourself right now, and quite frankly, it scares me." Jade has to laugh at that.

"Even if I were going to, I really don't think that I'd come to you to talk about sex, of all things, let alone my first time."

"I'm not a virgin if that's what you think." There's a look of seriousness on the performers face, a defensive one, too.

"What? Sweet little Tori Vega lost her virginity? I guess someone's not as innocent as they make out to be." Jade speaks in her 1940's accent to mock, finding humour in the situation, albeit she's still a little shocked.

"Hey! I never said I was innocent! You just assumed!" Tori flails her arms around, emphasising her point through body language. She grows quiet, eyebrows furrowing, before looking back up, only to meet an expectant Jade, staring with questions circulating in the atmosphere. "It's actually one of my biggest regrets."

"That bad?"

"Honestly? I... was completely out of it. I had no idea what I was doing, nor who with, not really, and it just sort of happened."

"That really sucks." It's probably the only time Jade has ever felt pity for the girl, and she grudges against these stupid teenage hormones of hers.

"You want to know what the worst part is? I put it off with everyone that had ever meant something to me, because I was so fixated on having the perfect moment, that even when the time was right, I'd back out last minute. I just... I wanted my first time to be with _thee _one, and then in the end, out of pure stupidity, I gave it to someone who doesn't even remember my name."

"You remember his?" Jade doesn't know why she asks, but she does anyway, because no matter how bad the situation, she's sure Tori would do her best to remember such details in any case, just for closure.

"James. I just wish I could do it over, you know? Do it right." Tori notices Jade's solemn facial expression and her curiosity gets the better of her. "What about you? How was your first time?"

"Fine."

"Fine? Just fine? C'mon Jade, I told you about mine." Tori complains, and her wail is a sound Jade hates to hear, and it takes everything not to call her out of belittle her for.

"I didn't ask you to."

"It can't have been much worse than a drunken one night stand. It's not like I'm one to judge."

"Fine. It was normal." Jade retorts to Tori's reasoning, because she's not sure if she could tell Tori without telling her about her and Cat's current predicament, or the fact that it wasn't with Beck like everyone had thought.

"Anything more than that?" Jade feels Tori give her a small shove with her shoulder, acting as a reminder that it's okay to open up, that Tori's here to help, not discourage.

"God, Vega. Why do you care?"

"Because if I can feel like I can trust you, I want you to feel the same way."

Jade lets out an exasperated breath, huffing before she tries and puts into words something nobody knows about her.

"It was perfect." She can feel a smile creeping onto her face, as she relives her first time with Cat through memory, but she does her best to shut it down before it becomes too noticeable by Tori. "Perfect person, perfect time. Just... perfect."

Although unaware on why she's even telling Tori of all this, she continues anyway, because maybe she wants someone to know. It _could _make her feel better.

Tori smiles, and it's the only encouragement she needs. "They uh, they meant a lot to me. Still do actually. I just turned 14... I was terrified, but they were so gentle, so loving. It was the first time I'd ever felt that way about someone, and even today, I'm still as in love with them as I was then. But it's different." The usual scowl-fixed face is expressionless, almost withdrawn, and it makes Tori nervous to see the girl who's so in control so out of sync with herself.

"It sounds amazing, you're really lucky to have experienced it with someone so close to your heart. It's just a shame you're no longer together."

"I know," _Vega, I know._

"Do you miss him?" Tori places her hand on Jade's shoulder, hoping that it'll make Jade a little more relaxed, and for a moment she thinks it works.

"What? _Beck?_" Jade faces Tori, a mix of shock and realisation passing through her once poker-faced expression, and its then that Tori feels like she's the one in need of comfort.

"Yeah, who else?" Tori's tone is light, almost joking, but it's Jade's stares that make her unsure of herself, and when Tori retracts her hand, Jade knows she's overreacted. Of course she thinks its Beck; it's always been about Beck with her.

The actress gives a quick shake of her head, partially to snap herself out of her paranoia, but mostly because she's growing irritated with herself for being such an idiot."Oh uh. No, not really."

"Oh... but you still love him?" _God, she just doesn't get it does she?_

"Not like I used to."

"What do you mean? I thought you just said..." _No Vega,_

"I wasn't talking about Beck."

"Y-you? Then... who?" Bless her, she couldn't look more confused if she tried.

"Cat. I was talking about Cat."

* * *

"Okay, go over it again with me."

"I'm not going to repeat myself for a third time Vega, what's so damn hard to understand?" They're at Vega's now, Jade slumped on the sofa, while Tori herself is pacing, creating a draft.

"That you and Cat... you... You really had a relationship with her before you and Beck happened? This isn't some sort of joke to mess with me, is it?" Jade just doesn't get it, surely it can't be _that _hard to understand.

"Don't be so shallow, not everything's about you." Jade, since been cleaned up and now fresh-faced, is back to her old self, grumpy and pissed off.

"I know that, but it's just... you're so different, opposites." Accordingly to Tori, the idea of Cat and Jade in a relationship is completely obscured, and the Goth regrets even bringing it up.

"So were me and Beck."

"Yeah I know that, but Beck was... and Cat is,"

"A girl?" She's knows Tori's not a homophobe, but the fact that two of her female friends were - no matter if a while ago – in a relationship, is hard to grasp, especially since one of them has since dated a male, who also happens to be her friend too.

"I didn't even know you two were into girls!"

"Not girls, just Cat."

"Has this got anything to do with why she's not in today?" Jade stops flicking through the channels on Tori's TV for a moment, unsure if she should reveal the true reason for Cat's absence.

"Partly." She decides against going into detail, because she sure as hell doesn't need to explain herself _completely_ to Vega.

"C'mon Jade! You need to give me more than these 1 syllable answers!"

"There are two syllables in 'partly'." Never missing a beat.

"Jade! Could you just give me direct answers please? You can't land something as big as Cat being your ex on me and not expect me to want explanations!"

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

It becomes almost like a round of quickfire, questions flying through Tori's lips, answers spiralling out of Jade's in the same way.

"Does Beck know all this?"

"No." Tori nods.

"Does Cat know you're still in love with her?"

_Jade_ nods. "As of Saturday, yes."

"Is she in love with you?"

"Yes."She forces back a smile, because somehow, it seems inappropriate, and Tori's already partly suspicious of foul play.

"Where is Cat?"

Tori feels intrusive at Jade's physical reaction, as she sits up from her slump momentarily, before collapsing back down and slowly announcing her response.

"... Away."

"Away?"

"Yes! Must I repeat myself?" Touchy subject, Tori notes.

"Okay, sorry. When is she coming back?" Tori stops pacing and sits on the sofa opposite Jade, not quite trusting the girl while in such a differentiating emotional state.

"That's indefinite."

"Indefinite? What about school?" The Latina across from Jade, can't stop fidgeting and picking at her nails, and it makes Jade wonder why _she _feels so nervous and jittery.

"That's covered." Confused would be an understatement, because in reality, Tori can't think of many reasons in which would require a girl moving away from her home for possibly years. She knows she can't ask Jade, but she can ask other questions and hopefully piece it all together.

"Well then _why_ did she go away?"

"That's none of your business." Jade's tone is bitter, and it makes Tori uncertain on why the hateful girl is still in her home, supplying her with information and opening up to her.

"Is it something to do with you?" There's something in Tori's eyes which resembles that of blame, and it offends Jade a little. Does she really think that she'd send Cat away out of spite? Did she not just confess to Tori about how she _still _loves Cat?

"I'm not the reason she _needed _to go away, if that's what you're getting at, but, I did however instigate it."

"So she hasn't gone away because of you, but she's gone away _for _you?" Tori looks down to her lap, Jade observes sceptically, still expecting her just to accuse her of adultery or slander.

"You could say that."

"This is so confusing." Tori meets Jade's gaze, shaking her head. This is actually causing her stress.

"Look. This is all you need to know. Cat and I used to date, or more accurately, fool around. Understand so far?" Tori nods while she drops her eyes to the floor, so she can focus more on Jade's words, rather than her expressions. "Well, I eventually broke it off and dated Beck, and I didn't speak to Cat as much as I used to after that. But, then when Beck broke it off with me, I started noticing Cat more, and I found out a few things, per say. Still with me?"

"I think so."

"Those things I found out, they meant I needed to stay at Cat's during spring break. I tried but I couldn't help her with those things, so she needed extra assistance, and I'm not sure when she'll be back." Jade's tip-toeing is obvious, but it's practically impossible to give a watered down version without receiving a cocked eyebrow from time-to-time.

"Right, so these... problems, they're serious?"

"Yeah." Jade rolls her eyes, because surely a problem which has a girl out of her own home has to be considered serious. These questions are just getting unnecessary now.

_Light bulb._ "Wait, didn't you say that 'you're still as in love' with the person who took your virginity as you are now? If you loved Cat, why did you date a guy you barely knew?" _That, Vega, is a very good question._

"Look, Tori. It's complicated... and personal. I don't really feel like going into detail about my relationships with Beck and Cat, or my reasoning's for breaking them off or starting them, okay? You're lucky I'm even telling you this, and if I weren't so damn emotional and hormonal, then I wouldn't have even considered it."

"I get that, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to understand everything you've told me."

"Speaking of which, if you ever, _ever_ dare tell anyone, I swear I'll-"

"I got it! Bad things will happen, things that include scissors." Tori raises her hands so they're parallel with her head in a defensive manner. "Besides, I wouldn't tell anyone even if I wanted to. You can trust me, Jade, okay? You can trust me."

It goes silent from several moments, Jade already feeling a little relief now that a little weight is off of her shoulders. The dark-haired girl silently decides it's time to leave, getting up from the pit she made and walking toward the door, only turning to make another request from Tori.

"Could you come with me to talk to Lane tomorrow? I need to fill him in about Cat."

"Sure." Vega stands and crosses over to Jade, feeling inclined to see the girl out.

Jade exits at Tori's agreement, halting for a moment and holding the door open with her foot, turning back. "Oh, and Vega?"

"Yeah?" The singer looks hopeful, praying that Jade laughs in her manipulating way, exclaiming that this is all a joke, and that she's an idiot for being so gullible.

"Thanks."

Jade's appreciation takes Tori for surprise, possibly only hearing such a word leave Jade's lips only twice before. "Wait, does this mean we're friends?"

"Definitely not." Jade removes her foot from the threshold, taking the handle in her grip and slamming Tori's own door back in her face.

You know what? Tori's isn't in the least taken back.

She'll just never understand that girl.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the late update. I usually try to update at least once every 2 weeks, but these past days have been pretty backed so I haven't had a chance to write, let alone post.

While reading this, please be aware that I've literally written this within an hour. It's rushed, sloppy, and the grammar is probably awful, but it's the best I can do for now.

Thanks for the follows, favourites and reviews, and please continue to do so. ;)


	14. Recovery

No one Understands

Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious

* * *

Recovery.

It should be simple, a one way street where's it's impossible to get lost. You can watch movies, read books about Bulimia, about love, but it's never true to life. Sure, there are bumps, but that's just for gasps, for tears to keep the plot alive. It's predictable. Cat will go nowhere but up from here, you'd think, because that's what's expected. But if that were true, the word 'relapse' would cease to exist. It's easy to depict other people's lives, because from the outside, you have a clear picture of the situation. You know Cat has an addiction she needs to escape from, and she has love as encouragement.

It's easy, you say.

Simple.

But it's a different story when it's you. It's an addiction, an untreatable habit. No different from being an alcoholic. You can avoid it, sure, you can do everything you can so you never fall back into it again, but all it takes is one slip up and you're straight back where you started. Swallowed by your wounds of self affliction, desperately trying to fill in the cracks, fill in the pieces of you which have fallen through. You get your fix, maybe even lose your house, but you'll still convince yourself it's what you want.

You get to a stage when you can't be bothered to fight anymore; you cave in to your addiction. You give up. You submit yourself, becoming a slave to your nasty habits. You cry endlessly, watching days fade into nights, until you don't what day it is anymore. Not like you care. You hit rock bottom, and everyone knows you can't save yourself. You wait. You wait for something in your sub-consciousness, going through the motions because there's just nothing else left. It's you and it. Your disease. Your only friend left.

Cat doesn't want to try, her anorexia hasn't reached its peak yet, she can still have fun with this. Her mind works as poison, infecting her thoughts, bleeding into her veins. She can feel the self-hatred; she can feel the fat on her thighs, if only an illusion. She's enslaved, but she tells herself she's still in control. She still wants this, she does. But she wants to be Cat, too. She wants to be everything Jade knew, the person she was before her abandonment. She wants to be as innocent as she used to be, before self-mutilation became her obsession.

How did she get to this? How was she reduced to something so low? She had everything she needed. Friends who'd kill for her, family (despite their absence) who loved her, and she has Jade now, too. She's high on the socioeconomic status, she has talents and opportunities. So why this? Why has someone so privileged ended up in such a state? With binge-purge type anorexia. Someone so beautiful, self destructing. It's a crime, some say. Arrogance, even.

_Doesn't she see her own beauty? Or is it attention she craves? _No-one will ever understand what it's like. Cat isn't anorexic by choice; purging isn't some she wants to be doing. She's imprisoned in her mind, barriers blocking out what others know, blinds shading in what only she can see. Passersby may feel disgraced by the contradiction. She's gorgeous, they'll think, so why the hell does she feel like she has to punish herself?

They'll only see it from one side. They'll ignore the fact that everyone is beautiful in some way, and their ignorance makes it unacceptable to suffer from such a disease because she's 'pretty'. Of course she doesn't see it that way, but why would she? People can tell her she's beautiful all they want, but she'll never believe it. She'll never shake the feeling that it's only pity in which they compliment her for.

In the years to come, people will find out about her stay in treatment and say, 'oh my god, but you're so pretty!' and she'll smile and say 'thank you', but she'll despise them for assuming being good-looking makes you exempt from such a disorder. It's a disgusting way to think, because no-one deserves to suffer; no-one deserves such pain. Cat should be sympathised because she'll always have the label 'anorexic' tagged on her back, not because she couldn't see how desired she was by the opposite sex before she wound up in rehab.

* * *

Cat's sat by a friend at lunch, prodding at her sandwich with a fork she doesn't need. Her friend, Charlie, has been here a lot longer than Cat. The elder girl's progress fluctuates; her stay coming up close to 14 months now. Gossip tells Cat that Charlie goes through weeks where she completely refuses food, but others where she eats without much problem. It's psychological, apparently.

Charlie's close to finishing her ham and cheese sandwich by now, talking animatedly to another girl Cat doesn't really know. Cat likes Charlie a lot, because she's probably the only one who hasn't looked down on her yet, judged her for her child-like persona, for her stories, her brother. Charlie's the only one who hasn't redeemed her as 'fucked-up', because based on her brother; it seems to run in Cat's family. You'd think they'd understand, that they're _just like her_, but they're not. Cat opened up and they threw it in her face, decided she was stupid for her way of looking at things. It's why she refuses to talk about Jade, petrified that they'll spoil that for her, too.

It's the only thing she has left.

"Cat, you need to finish your lunch."

_Whyyyy._

There really is no point, Cat's concluded, because they're only going to force food down her throat anyway. She has an appointment with Dr. Stevens after lunch, to weigh her and mark her progress. If she doesn't eat her lunch, they'll just force liquidised nutrients down her tube (which she still has, by the way) regardless. So in all honestly, what's the point of eating?

_**'That's the way to think, Caterina.'**_

Why have more than you need to? The nutrients will make up for missed meals and more, so she's set. It's wrong to say she hasn't made progress though, because that's just not fair. It's hard to accept something you always chose to ignore, so willingly (or more appropriately, allowing) her nurses to force-feed her, is big in terms of her recovery. She's not ready to start eating just yet, but at least she's starting to accept that eventually she has to.

She hasn't heard from Jade since Monday, which is two days without any contact from anyone outside of these walls. She doesn't know what she feels, maybe disappointment, knowing full well that now school has started, Jade's free time is scarce. She just misses her, needs her, especially now when her key worker's ready to hound her for not eating.

"Cat, the sooner you start eating, the quicker you can be done and start your scheduled day." Cat rolls her eyes, the reminder unneeded. "And once you're done with your timetabled day, we can sort out your priorities with school."

School?

"I'm not hungry." Cat tries, but her key worker Rachel, doesn't buy it.

"Nevertheless, eating is a must. If you finish all your meals in the next 5 days, we can schedule a date for the removal of the NG tube."

Cat's eyes go wide at that. They're taking it out? _No! They can't!_

The removal comes with a price, because then Cat's on her own at meal times. She can't shift the responsibility elsewhere, and she'll physically have to eat. To fatten herself up. She'll be the only one to blame.

Charlie notices Cat's tense body language, turning from the other girl's at the table and giving Cat a one armed hug. Charlie understands her predicament, since she's been on that road many times before.

She knows that the tube gives a sense of achievement, a sense of pride within your illness, because hell, if you're shit at everything else, why not be the best anorexic. It's why Charlie's been in here so long. Sobriety in itself is difficult, but when you're trying to fight off the urge to lose yourself in game no-one else is playing, it gets too much. Charlie was almost out twice, but when people thought she was 'fixed', her anorexic thoughts crept back in and told her no, it's not that simple. Her sobriety scared her, so she fled and hid within her demons, allowing her anorexia to thrive once more. Anorexia was all she'd known for so long, and anything different intimidates her, much like Cat's attachment to the tube.

The NG tube shows to people that you are ill, that you're fighting, perhaps even dying, and Cat and Charlie both have found comfort in that. The tube shows people you can't manage, highlighting how skinny you are, and that's the label Cat has been trying to grasp. Not ditzy, not crazy, but skinny.

It's what she's wanted for so long, and the tube has what's got her there. It makes her feel victorious, triumphant even. It's a feeling which makes her want this more, making her hungry for starvation. The tube has made her proud, because if you're being force-fed, then that just proves that you're on the right track. She'll be able to get skinnier, lose some of the pounds these hospital walls have sickened her with, and then maybe it won't only be Jade who looks at her in that way. Of course she isn't looking for anything from anyone else, but it must be a good feeling to be wanted like that. Maybe, if she loses some more weight, girl's with desire her body, too. She could be the girl other's envy.

But that's all too good to be true, a fairy tale.

Cat relaxes when Charlie's fingers entwine with her own, and when she looks over to the brunette, a smile has already crept onto her lips. This support, she's only ever had this once before, and it makes her happy that someone cares for her on the inside, too. She can't always rely on Jade, and true, she knows that, so having Charlie makes her feel a whole lot more comfortable and secure. She knows she can trust Charlie, despite only knowing her for around 2 and a half weeks, but it's trust all the same.

Cat turns back to her key worker, and waits for something, an order, a question, something that'll distract her from thinking about the damn calories on her plate, and the threat of an NG tube removal. Nothing. Rachael just stares back at Cat, skeptical grey eyes that remind her a whole lot of Jade, and for a second, it tricks her into thinking that it's the goth holding her hand, too. Cat pulls her fingers from Charlie's, dropping her eyes from Rachel, because somehow, it's overwhelming how much the two remind her of Jade.

It's Charlie's encouragement, her words, and Rachel's eyes and demands, and if Cat clamps her eyes tight enough, it's Jade by her side and not the help. She hums to block out the noises of cluttering plates, and if she really strains her ears enough, she can hear Jade telling her she loves her, all over again. Cat cries, submerged completely into what she'll may never have with Jade again, all because of this damn hospital.

Sobs, spluttering out of Cat's mouth, making it impossible to get any grasp of oxygen, her throat burning as carbon dioxide swells within it's thick walls. She doubles over, her head barely an inch above the table, while her arms snake her stomach in an attempt to get some sort of control. She thinks about promises, words like 'forever Cat', and 'always', but Jade's already lied once before. She thinks about loving Jade on an intimate level, wrapped in nothing but each other, clothing discarded by young love. She thinks about dying, not that it hasn't crossed her mind before, and how she'd feel a whole lot better if her heart would just give out like she wishes it would.

She doesn't know what's come over her, but she's sure whatever sinking feeling and tingling sensations are in her arms are can't be normal. She tries to speak, but management have already dragged her away from Charlie, heading for a room she despises. Her breath isn't strong enough, lungs spasming in her chest as the oxygen she obtains dies out. Stevens has been summoned, and just as she's propped into an exam table, he bursts into the room rather dramatically asking "What the hell is going on?"

"Panic attack," one says, but Cat doesn't care much for her either, but she does care about Jade.

"Jade!" Cat cries, an oxygen mask strapped on her head and over her mouth, making all speech muffled and unintelligible.

Whatever the hell is happening to her, she just wants it to end, because surely dying should be a lot quicker than this. Dying, she thinks, dying without Jade holding her hand. She tries to call out again, hoping that like Dr. Stevens, just calling the Goth's name with make her appear. She tries to adjust the mask, but a hand slaps her away before even touching it, making her hiss and feel even worse. Someone pushes her down onto the bed, and she's really starting to hate all of these hands and people, treating her like a puppet with damaged strings.

A prick, a bubble of blood on her upper arm, and sleeping becomes inevitable. Her vision becomes sloppy, blurs of people moving around her. Peacefulness, and... why is everyone staring? She thinks of Jade once more when her eyelids come slumbering down, thick and heavy in their downfall. She relaxes at the sight of Jade's smile in her mind, and she's asleep before she can even think of returning it.

* * *

A/N: Hope you enjoyed!

I really appreciate your reviews and follows, although I rarely say it, because you make writing this even more pleasurable :)

So, review and make me smile! :)


	15. Doubts

No one Understands

Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious *cries*

* * *

Jade gets dressed to an empty house, grunting profanities as she strops across the kitchen in her favourite pair of DM's. She rubs her wrists under her eyes, relishing how pleasurable it feels ridding the heavy eyelids the morning blesses her with. Jade reaches the coffee machine rather ungracefully, practically lying across the counter in her tired state, fumbling about with the controls.

She remains hunched over the countertop for the time it takes for her coffee to brew, moving only slightly to grab a cup from the draw beside her, flicking a switch, before watching her coffee come slumbering down into her specially made mug.

She's eternally grateful, convinced that investing in said machine was the best decision she's ever made, the perfect compromise for morning laziness, when she brings the coffee to her lips, splashing her tongue with the glorious taste of caffeine. Groaning to emphasise the greatness of an espresso, she moves towards the couch, cup still in hand, before collapsing into the soft fabric by her discarded phone.

She checks the time, discovering that despite her efforts to waste it, she's still far too early to leave for school. She has an hour and 46 minutes to kill, so she grabs her bag as well as her phone and keys, and heads straight out the door without a second thought.

She considers showing up at Vega's just for spite, knowing full well that the girl in question would still be asleep, but she's reluctant to give Tori the satisfaction in that not only did Jade West confide in her at a time of stress and need, but also spontaneously turned up at her household without obligation. Besides, it's been two days since Jade blabbed to Tori about things she didn't need to know, and has been successfully avoiding her like the black plague ever since, so showing up at the girl's house for no particular reason at such an ungodly hour is just ridiculous, especially since she doesn't even like the girl.

Supposedly.

Jade, in avoiding Vega, has shot down any attempt the girl makes to talk to her. She has regretted spilling to Vega every moment since she (for whatever reason) chose to do so, mad at herself for being such an idiot. It's because of this that she has yet to speak to Lane, putting that off too out of insecurities. Jade's a bright girl, she knows that where she can intimidate Tori into not asking too intrusive questions, she doesn't have the same effect on the guidance counsellor. She'll have to tell him everything, including her and Cat's history, as well as Cat's current predicament. In normal circumstances, Jade couldn't give a crap about what others think, but this is different, it's delicate. This is her and Cat, and any assumption made could hurt them both.

Lane's a good guy, sure, but he's not the best at keeping things to himself. Sure, his slips are never intentional, but they're slips nevertheless. Just because he doesn't mean to initiate the rumours, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Not only that, but people - despite common belief - aren't total idiots. Anything coming from the school's guidance counsellor is bound to have some truth behind it, and what happens when the school's most respected chick is downgraded to a joke? A dyke no less. She'll become a laughing stock, and it's not that that Jade's concerned about, it's the abuse Cat is sure to get when she's released from treatment because of it. Jade won't be able to protect her like she's want to, because every ounce of respect she has would be gone in a split second.

Cat would be called names, more than just ditzy and stupid. People will taunt her with words like 'fat', throw curse words around, and manipulate her into relapsing, just out of arrogance. Because they can, because they have access to control. They'll twist the things they know, making them more exciting to gossip about, the next piece of radical news, and soon enough everyone will know about the 'schizophrenic' gay anorexic who wound up in rehab at 16, and her emo fuck buddy who was partly responsible.

Cat needs stability, and in telling Lane, stability is something she'll never get. Cat's always been sensitive, but what happens when she's fresh out of rehab and people start to bully her into submission? Into believing the lies, the insults, the toxin-riddled words. They'll choke her with their disgusting language; they'll make her bleed without touching her. She'll lose herself once more, but this time it'll be the different. She'll be bathed in darkness, held down against her will. She's been promised happiness, but if word gets out, she'll only be kissed by the light before being dragged back into depression, provoked and harassed by words designed to commit evil.

She'll be vulnerable, exposed by Jade's confessions, although not voluntary.

Jade knows she has to tell Lane, because Cat's recovery depends on it. But then again, perhaps the threat of Cat relapsing isn't worth it.

The pressure. Why can't anything be simple?

* * *

Jade also considers going to Skybucks, regretting abandoning her coffee back at her deserted home, but bumping into a load of arrogant stuck-up bastards should be avoided when it comes to Jade, because hell, if they think she'll take their shit just because of her adolescence, they have another thing coming.

She keeps driving regardless of not knowing where she's going, not bothering to keep an eye on the time. She drives out of Hollywood, becoming vaguely aware that she's only around 10 minutes from Woodleaf, so making a sharp right, she finally settles on a destination.

She still has an hour until school starts when she pulls into the parking lot, avoiding trees and the chance of birds disposing of their waste on her windscreen in doing so. She all but marches into the centre, completely disregarding Elizabeth's calls telling her 'she's not permitted to leave reception without authorisation'. Not that Jade actually gives a crap about the receptionist's whines.

She continues on through the halls until she reaches the visitors waiting room, but she decides there's no point waiting around there when no one on Cat's ward knows she's here.

She cluelessly walks down the corridors, hopefully soon to discover an office or a worker here of some sort, but, as It is, she finds no-one who is of use. She curses the layout of this place, too many different wards and rooms to even think of looking in. Thankfully enough, she discovers the room Cat had her tube inserted after a while of intruding, walking in with no regards, probably violating a bucketful of rules.

It's eerily quiet in this room, intense atmosphere. Her body positions itself awkwardly, twisted between bolting from the spot in which she stands and staying put. She takes in her surroundings, scans the shelves of medical instruments, wondering what and how they're used. She moves over to a drawer, picking up a tweezer-like tool and examining it. It's fascinating, really, how this single piece of plastic could save someone's life.

This contraption could stop a person choking, pull glass from a profusely bleeding wound, or pull together skin which needs stitching. It could be the use of this tool that could prevent a deadly infection, the prevention of bacteria wriggling into your cells, corrupting their structure. Everything in this room, the world in fact, has a purpose, and it gets Jade wondering what hers is. Does she have one? Does it have anything to do with Cat?

"Thought I'd find you somewhere around here."

_Shit._

Jade twists in fright, startled by none other than other than Dr. Stevens.

"How'd you find me?" Jade asks, sceptically.

"Elizabeth, the lady I assume you know as the receptionist, paged me when you wondered on through without giving a name or reason for your sudden arrival." He leans against the door in a casual manner, as if talking to an old friend. Jade notices he's wearing his watch backwards, and then proceeds to take in the rest of his appearance.

She glances to his feet to find that he's wearing sneakers, most likely to increase his speed in emergencies. She also notices that his dark hair is quite scruffy this morning, as opposed to his usual precise style. Momentarily distracted, she snaps her eyes back to Stevens, replying in a bitter tone.

"She already knows my name, and I'm pretty sure she knows why I'm here too." She crosses her arm in a defence mechanism; sure he has some sort of smart comment to come.

"That she does, but if everyone were to waltz in and out as they pleased, it could get quite disastrous. Patients could get harmed." Steven's improves his posture, no longer balancing his weight against the door.

"This is starting to sound like a lecture."

"Perhaps a lecture is what you need." His tone is stern, reminding Jade a hell of a lot of her father.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She spits, and apparently she isn't the only one who recognises the retort.

"Nothing, just a thought." He shakes off a laugh, trying to compose himself, and it's everything in that smug look of his that makes Jade struggle to keep herself from lashing out. "I assume you're here to see Cat, right?"

Jade grumbles a respective 'Why else' in return, her pupils dilating as she grows more irritable.

"Right." He speaks calmly, because apparently, he notices her clenching fists, too. "Well the patients on Cat's ward are in group therapy, so, while you wait I'd like you to come over to my office and answer a few questions about Cat's situation, if you're comfortable with that."

She debates telling him to 'fuck off', but even she knows that won't get her anywhere. She's here for Cat, she reminds herself, and she's going to have to be okay with dealing with this moron.

"Sure."

For now, at least.

"Come with me."

* * *

His office is a respectable size, oak bookcases bordering the room, with slim sofas positioned by the window. He offers Jade a seat, but of course, she refuses.

He shrugs Jade's attitude off, deciding that if he wants to be stubborn, so be it, taking a seat at his desk, beckoning Jade to come forward.

"Last time we spoke you told me she doesn't know her parents," is what he settles on as a conversation starter, only to have Jade scowl some more before she interjects.

"She doesn't."

"So that statement is completely correct?" Raising his eyebrows, he urges for more detail.

She sighs at his doubt, crossing her arms and heading towards his desk and taking a seat. "Put it this way, she does _technically_ know her parents but they're not around."

"Well this is where we come to across a problem." He runs his hands through his messy hair, the bags under his eyes becoming apparent. He breathes out heavily, stress taking up his features, throwing Jade a bit off guard.

"Problem?" She stares quizzically, confused with his sudden tired-like expressions.

"In this program, parents are considered a huge part of recovery." He goes on to explain, "In the average situation, the patient and their parents are required for family therapy, and if you what you say is true, Cat is without parents to participate." He looks at his linked hands, regrettably, like his dog has just died.

"Which means..."Jade leans forward a small amount, tilting her head slightly so her ear is closest to him; her eyes also adverted down, though in concentration.

"That her recovery with be especially difficult. She'll need excessive support, either from friends or other family members, but I've also been made aware by Cat herself that her only sibling no longer permanently lives at home."Jade takes his statement as offensive, because he's making out that Cat doesn't have anyone.

"She has support!" She exclaims, frustrated.

"Yes, but she'll have to compensate from her lack of blood relatives, so to speak, so perhaps she'll need more than just _you_ to help her through this struggle in her life."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm asking very big of you Jade, and just know that you can refuse me completely if you wish." Jade's already cautious, because any commitment she makes now will have everything to do how Cat recovers, that she's sure of, but also it's a connection to a moron she can't bear to talk to.

"Go on." The Goth leans back away from Stevens, like she's expecting his next few words to burn her flesh if she's too close.

"Firstly, as her family are not available for the therapy, I want you, as a very big part and influence on her life, to take their place in the sessions alongside Cat." That's not too bad, she thinks. Actually, that's fine.

"And the second thing?" She prods.

"You need to tell your friends."

_Oh hell no._

"No way."

"Jade, it's a must." _Oh, so what happened to 'you can refuse me'_, Jade accuses mentally.

"They can't know she's in here." Especially not when she fears about the rumours and threats Cat will receive. Stevens' leans away from his desk, grabbing a file on the right side of his computer. He opens it gently, navigating through the pages as Jade grudgingly and bitterly watches on.

"The sooner you tell them, the quicker Cat will come to the realisation that recovery is worth it." He says, not taking his eyes away from his sudden new interest.

"She doesn't need them." Jade claims, growing nervous, yet curious, over this file Stevens' has become infatuated with.

"Like it or not, Jade, she needs her friend's support. You can't keep hiding her away like a secret or something to be embarrassed of." Steven's stops flicking through the file, briefly scanning the page he seems interested in.

"It's not like that." Jade damns herself for how cliché that sounds, but she's far too stubborn to visual acknowledge it, nor correct herself.

"She needs a larger support system, Jade. You'll do this if you care about her like you say you do."

_That cheap bastard._

"Don't you dare try and push me into doing this out of guilt." Jade growls, accusingly.

"Whatever it takes." He announces, not caring to look at her while he speaks.

"I really dislike you, you know that right?" First he insinuates that Cat has no one there for her, suggesting how Jade is a bad friend, THEN he tries to guilt her into doing something she doesn't want to do because she has Cat's best interests in mind? _Who does he think he is?_

The near 17 year old is at the stage now where she's considering striking the man in front of her, though not physically, just calling him out like the ass that he is, but she fears being banned from the centre and she just wouldn't be able to deal with that. She sucks in a shaky breath, trying to steady her mood.

"Listen Jade, I know you don't understand or accept my reasoning, but you can't put all that pressure on yourself. Cat needs peer support; she's going to need her other friends to lean on too. If you put all that on yourself, you'll crash. You need help yourself Jade; illnesses can have a big impact on those not only with them, but around them too. You need to balance some of the stress on others; you'll need to be a little selfish in that respect."

"Okay, so how do you suggest i tell them everything without letting slip that- damnit." Jade tenses physically, her body stiffening. She doesn't need to have another slip like Tori, because in all honesty-

"-That you and Cat are/were romantically involved?" He looks down at his file as he says it, horrifying Jade that they would have such a piece of information in Cat's medical file. If Jade's porcelain skin could go paler than it already is, now is the time it would.

"How do you-"

"I'm her key worker, Jade. Do you not expect me to know these things? It's my job to know these things." She has to laugh at that.

"Then why bother asking me about her parents, right? You seem to know everything already."

"I develop a relationship with my patients, and as her key worker I am informed on her progress during therapy sessions, etc, but she's reluctant to speak about her parents. You, however, are a popular yet touchy subject. In other words, I need only ask about her parents Jade, because one, she refuses to tell us about them and two, they have no existing contact details in Cat's files. Only you are willing to piece the puzzle together on her family life."

Jade, of course, has lost interest in whatever this man has got to say, rolling her eyes at his smart ass comments. You know, some would say the pair have quite the similarities.

"Whatever. So these... Therapy family sessions, when are they exactly? I have school." Her bored expression doesn't do much to fool Stevens', but he gives her props anyway, because if he didn't know any better, he'd actually believe it.

"The times differ, but mainly we choose a time we see appropriate, and then we will contact you and negotiate until we can find common ground."

"I guess that's fine." She sighs, giving a nonchalant shrug.

"Speaking of times and school, have you spoken with your teachers yet, informed them of Cat's stay? As she is still in need of education by law, we need to arrange work to be sent in. Because we are unaware of what courses and subjects Cat is being taught, we'll need you to collect work and we'll have Cat complete it here." Great, just what she needed.

"Is there a point? Most of her courses aren't taught by textbook. Apart from Maths and Science, all of her subjects can't be contextualised."

"What do you mean?" Dr Stevens glances at the file once more, furrowing his brows and using his finger to glide over Cat's information.

"She takes a special effects make-up course, acting lessons, vocal lessons and dance. All of her chosen courses are done by trial and error, so I'm not sure how you plan on teaching her those things." Jade retains the urge to roll her eyes, growing irritated once more. Shouldn't they already know this?

"We'll I'm sure we'll come up with something or other, but if you could let teachers know of our predicament, unless of course you'd prefer us to make the calls directly." He drops the files on the side, and moves to stand from his seat.

"I'll do it." The dark-haired man smiles at her, gesturing her over towards the door but she ignores it.

"Great. Well Cat should be done with her session now, if you'd like to wait across the hall in the waiting room, I'll go and call her in." He tries once more to point her towards the door, and with another noise of protest, Jade gets up from her seat, and storms into the halls.

* * *

A/N: I apologise about the dialog because I'm absolutely awful with all the 'he says/she says' part, and I never really know what I'm doing.

Anyway, thank you again for the reviews, favourites and follows, I appreciate it greatly, and please continue to do so ;)

P.S Sorry about the late update too! And i'm also sorry that this is a filler chapter :3


	16. Trouble

No one understands

Disclaimer: Sadly, much like everyone on who writes for FanFiction, I do not own any shows/movies/songs, etc, especially not Victorious.

* * *

Jade leaves the center without seeing Cat, as Dr. Stevens informed Jade that Cat can't see her today due to a backed up schedule. Jade now frustrated, only has 12 minutes to get in school, and by the looks of things, she'll definitely be late. Not that anyone will notice. Guess she's skipping first period.

Jade gets into school around 20 minutes late, walking in and heading straight to her locker to get organised. She had two things on her mind, telling Lane, and telling the rest of the group about Cat's true whereabouts. She's in the middle of putting the remaining books she needs in her bags when apparently, someone's been waiting to talk to her.

"Jade."

_Oh, just great._

She turns and walks directly away from the source, in a now worsened mood.

"What the hell do _you_ want?" Her pace through the deserted halls quickens, desperate to avoid any conversation with the boy who broke her heart.

"I just want to talk." Beck, her ex, pleads.

She contemplates being nice, not using any sarcastic remarks or complaints, because Beck of all people knows that's not who she really is. She's not the mean, sadistic Jade West Hollywood knows her for. She's Jade, a girl so broken she's lost parts of herself forever, but in reacting in a way which isn't expected would only magnify the fact that something's wrong. Different... _changed._

"I don't want to hear it."She stammers, her bitter tone creeping into the last few syllables shaped by her lips. She refuses to make eye contact, frustrating a concerned Beck to the point of forcing her to face him by her shoulders.

"C'mon, Jade." The Canadian negotiates, trying to convey his worry and doubt in her wellbeing.

She doesn't buy it.

She pulls away from his hold, disregarding his grip on her shoulders, but she makes no move to walk away from him. "Back off."She tries, her stare burning into his own.

"So they're right," he says, hinting at defeat. "There is something going on with you."

She thinks for a moment, confusion and anxiety circulating for what she considers too long, her usual snappy responses sliding out of her mouth like blood from a wound. Slow, delicate, slumberous. "Who? What are you talking about?" Shaking her head, perplexed.

"Besides from our friends? The rest of the school." He holds onto her wrists, throbs in waves taking up the spaces between his fingers beneath her sleeves. Her cuts, from 7 days ago, still unhealed. She doesn't show her discomfort, letting his grip tighten for what she assumes is to keep her in place. "Listen, I wouldn't need to know you that well to figure out something were wrong, but as it is, I do know you. Something's up, I can see it."

"Well maybe you're just as delusional as everyone else is, Oliver." Her eyes drop to her hands, shame in herself for how Beck has her vulnerable completely by accident, unaware of the power he has. She tries to adjust his embrace, pull away enough so his hands no longer apply pressure to the sensitive skin. No such luck, his grip growing firm. She tries not to squirm too much, because an un-granted hitch of her breath could have her exposed. He'd know for definite, because his suspicions alone aren't enough to prove anything.

"Oh so we're back to this? Oliver? Look." He removes his hand from her wrist to tilt her chin so she meets his gaze, eyebrows furrowed. She sighs in relief, conveying annoyance. "If you don't want to tell me what's wrong, fine, I understand. But at least speak to someone else. Obviously it's digging away at you, so you need to sort that out. I mean, the whole school is confused. Poor souls don't know what to think." The humour added to his words doesn't make the situation any better, as Jade has no other reaction aside from an eye roll.

"Yeah, no. I appreciate the little chat, but you know. I have better things to do."She moves around him, ignoring the huff from Beck, and walks away without regret. She doesn't care about the rest of the school. Or Beck for that matter. He lost the right to know what was going on when he chose to walk out on her. What the hell do they know anyway?

"Jade!"

She storms through the empty asphalt cafe and through the building opposite, ignoring Back's calls. She needs to speak to Lane, and Vega promised she's come with her. It's not that she needs Vega, because she doesn't, but if she speaks to Lane alone he's going to want to talk. He'll want answers, he'll want to schedule sessions with her. Talk feelings.

Jade's not entirely sure why she's so closed in, but she figures that it's just how she was brought up. Raised in a house so quiet, so cold. She refused to talk to Beck for months about anything personal in the beginning of their relationship, and she suspects she would've done the same to Cat had she not have known her right at the start of high school. Emotions and feelings aren't Jade's favourite topic of conversation, or her favourite anything. It's one of the things she's happier just ignoring, but in doing so, she just makes the situation worse down the line.

Pretending such things don't exist means bottling them up and hiding them away. It's the reason her and Cat got on so well, because where Cat had a problem with controlling her emotions, Jade struggled to keep a balance. Jade's ability to contain her moods and emotions meant that eventually the pressure of keeping calm became too much, triggering a breakdown, and it was because of this that she even began speaking to the girl. It was nice to have someone with a similar problem to talk to, and Cat was the only one willingly to see past her 'bad girl' exterior.

It's also the same reason she doesn't want to talk to Lane one on one. The intimacy makes everything that more real, highlighting the fact that there's something wrong with her. She won't be able to contain her emotions with the daggers that Lane enforces boring into her, expecting, waiting for her to cave. He'll manipulate her like a child, and soon enough the whole school will find out that Jade West isn't as bad as she thinks, starting the wheel of rumours she'll have no control over.

God, then Beck. He'll figure everything out. He'll know why Cat was such a sensitive topic, why she got so vicious and jealous when boys flirted or dated her. He'll know he was a rebound, and excuse to end it with the red-head. He'll never believe that she loved him, second guessing every single word and conversation they ever exchanged.

Heartless, she'd been known as. A monster.

Jade's stress comes into play when she storms through the music department in Hollywood arts, taking short glances through the small window on each classroom door as she passes. She's not entirely sure which class Tori has, but she'll find out soon enough. She finds Andre's class first; the one Beck had yet to go to before he attempted interrogating her at their request. She also diverts her way past Lane's office, using an external corridor to weave her way past it without being seen and bundled with stupid questions as to why she's not in class.

She has to double check one of the classes before she notices Tori at the back, head buried in her book, fascinated in whatever she's reading. Jade all but throws herself into the room, muttering an excuse behind her sudden entrance.

"Helen wishes to speak with myself and Vega." All eyes are on Jade, sceptically examining her in search of her mood.

"Who? Tori?" The teacher coos, surprised at Jade's arrival. Jade's never had this teacher before, perhaps only seen the short bald man a few times in the hall, but if there's anything she's sure of it's that he definitely knows who _she _is.

"Who else." She deadpans, frustrated.

"Right now?" comes the confused voice of Victoria Vega herself, face screwed, baffled expression.

"_Yes_ now." Jade growls through gritted teeth. "Just _come on._"

Tori collects her books, throwing them lazily in her bag, scurrying over towards Jade by the door. The Goth doesn't bother hanging around, leaving Tori to catch up with her halfway down the colour obsessed halls.

"Uh, Jade? Where are we going?" A nervous Latina asks from behind her.

"Oh just hush, Vega." Jade demands, looking around her in search of anyone lingering about. "Right. Listen clearly because I'm only going to say this once." Jade halts and turns to Vega, serious expression plastered on her face.

"We're going to have that chat with Lane, okay? But here's the thing. I'm going to have to tell him everything I've told you, and more. So... You'll wait by the door out of sight, and as soon as Lane starts to ask questions, you'll make yourself known. Got it?"

"I... uh, yes." Tori stutters, both concerned and completely muddled. "So you talk to Lane, and when he asks questions, I just... walk in?"

"Yes." The actress says with a nod.

"But what will I say? I can't just walk in without a reason and just stand there! What do I say?" Tori's nervousness comes into play, as she over thinks the situation like she always does.

"Oh just say whatever. You're a girl; you're supposed to be all hormonal and confusing. Just say that your crush doesn't like you back or something."

"No! That's stupid!" The performer exclaims, arms flailing. Jade decides to just put her on the spot, walking the few short paces to Lane's office.

"So is the majority of this school, Vega. He won't be even fazed." She says as she knocks. "Remember, hide until you're needed," Jade says pointing her finger at a panic stricken Vega, before sliding the handle and walking in.

* * *

Tori hears Jade arguing and shouting profanities from the other side of the door, as she stands there petrified and completely clueless as to what is going on. Lane and Jade have been bickering for about 15 minutes now, and apparently Lane just doesn't understand. Tori's not surprised really, because it took her about 2 days to absorb all the information Jade had fed to her that day.

She hears Jade scream 'No' about 4 times before she even thinks about intervening, still unsure on what would be considered a good or appropriate time to make herself known. She's actually a little irritated, because surely if she can't hear what's being said she won't know when Lane starts to asks questions. However, on the fifth time Jade screams 'No', Tori takes a shaky breath and throws open the door, only to find an angry Jade and a very, very, frustrated Lane.

It's awkward to say the least, as Tori starts to bring tears to her eyes in a struggle to make herself believable.

"Tori?" Lane questions, trying to lower his voice into a tone considered to be calm.

"I..He, I... I just..." Tori does a good job of concerning Lane, having brought a substantial number of tears to her eyes, streaming down her face as she blinks. "I-I'm sorry, I... I j-just..."

Jade looks surprised at Tori's skills, but she tries not to let it show.

"What do you want, Vega?" Jade barks, acting as if she's completely unaware of Tori's intentions.

"Yes, Tori, what's wrong?" Lane asks, making his way towards the cowering girl. Tori, lost for words, makes a stream of unintelligible sounds to drown out any of Lane's priorities. She knows just as well as anyone else, that if a crying girl shows up in a bad enough state at the councillor's office, everyone else will just have to come back later.

"J-Ja-Jade?" Tori questions, receiving a nod of approval and encouragement from Jade. "I-I'm so sorry, I can come b-back later," Tori starts.

"No, no, Jade and I can talk another time. I'll just be one moment." Tori walks towards Lane's desk and takes a seat. Lane walks over to Tori and hands her a box of tissues collected from the side before making his way back over to Jade and escorting her out. "Jade, we'll speak later; I can't believe you've only just told me." He says as he opens the door for her. "Right, let me just grab some forms which you'll need Cat to fill out."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Jade strops out of the room and waits the halls, turning to find that Lane has his back to her walking over to his file cabinets. She winks at Tori, who blushes and gives a small smile in return. Jade laughs at Tori's reaction at low volume, forcing her smile down when Lane returns with a large pile of forms and files.

"What-"

"Just have her fill them out, please?"

"Fine." And at that, Jade leaves a sobbing Tori and a distressed guidance counsellor behind.

* * *

At lunch, a moody Tori collapses at Jade's table, huffing and mumbling about something unrecognisable.

"What's your problem?" Jade enquires, snappy.

"Thanks to you, that little stunt earlier has now got me 6 weeks of freaking therapy!" Tori exclaims, completely outraged, while Jade sits back and full on laughs at Tori's misfortune. "How am I supposed to explain to my parents that I now have a shrink because I'm having problems with my sexuality!"

"You are?!" Jade asks, completely dumbfounded.

"No! It was just the first thing that came to my mind!" Tori explains. She couldn't just use Jade's lame excuse, because that'd be a pathetic thing to cry over, right? So she thought about Jade and Cat, and it just sort of... slipped out. She told Lane she thought she may be gay, or at least bi, and being the supportive counsellor that Lane is, he acquired a compulsory set of sessions to help the girl discover herself.

"That was your excuse? That you thought you might be gay? Have you even ever kissed a girl?" Tori scoffs before telling Jade that yes, she has in fact kissed a girl, while Jade struggles to restrain a sneer at Tori's defensive manner.

"What else was I supposed to say? I just froze, and I couldn't think straight!" The Latina says, slumping down and hitting her head repeatedly against the table for effect. "I'm doomed."

"6 weeks, huh. What exactly did you tell him to make him take such measures?" Tori lifts her head from the table, contemplating whether or not to tell the girl. She's not exactly the best when put on the spot. Plus her lying skills are terrible.

"I, uh. I told him I may have had a uh..." Tori gulps visibly, clearly uncomfortable, making Jade take even more pleasure in the situation. "I told him I had a crush on a girl... two girls, actually."

"Oh yeah?" Jade almost sings, waiting for Vega to continue.

"Yeah, um. You and Cat." Tori waits for Jade to lash out, to shout and scream at her, but Jade simply laughs, (a genuine laugh, by the way), before stabbing her salad with her fork and taking a bite. "Wait, you're not mad?"

"No, of course not. I'm hot, everyone can see that," Jade says lightly before turning serious. "But... if you even think of going anywhere near Cat in that way, I swear-"

"I don't like Cat! Or you! I swear!" Tori yells, hands raised above her head in surrender.

"Good." Is all Jade says before Beck, Robbie and Andre take a seat at the table with them. Tori gives Jade a vouch for secrecy with just one look, Jade nodding just enough to be noticeable on Tori's part. Conversation soon picks up, Beck still giving Jade questionable glares from across the table, which Jade has been successfully ignoring.

-x—

Jade's phone rings towards the end of lunch, and unknown number flashing on her screen. The group look across at Jade, watching her as she just stares at her ringing phone.

"Oh, uh, you gonna get that?" Andre quizzes, the group grumbling in agreement. Jade does nothing but stare at her phone for a while longer, then stands and walks over to the grub truck, summoning Tori to come with her.

"Hello?" Jade greets, concentrating on the voice of the caller. Tori stands by Jades side awkwardly, dismissing the looks she's getting from the rest of the group back at the table.

"I've told the school." Jade says after a few moments. "No. Not yet."

"Uh Jade?" Jade shushes Tori, putting her finger in her other ear, blocking out the chatter coming from around the asphalt cafe.

"I said I would, didn't I?" The Goth snaps, "I'll do it in my own time, stop pressuring me." Jade stares at Tori in concentration, furrowing her eyebrows as she takes in what the stranger in Tori's eyes is saying. "No, Tori."

"What?"

"Now? You know what? Fine. I'll tell her now." Jade says moodily, dropping her eyes from Tori momentarily.

"Tell me what?" Tori says, intrigued.

"Where Cat is," Jade responds, nerves sickening her stomach. Tori waits in anticipation, vaguely attentive to the rambling voice in Jade's ear which she seems to be ignoring. Jade reconnects her eyes with Tori, feeling incredibly woozy. "Look, Vega. Cat, she's... she's at Woodleaf." Deep breath.

"Woodleaf? What's-"

"It's a treatment centre Tori, for eating disorders."

"WHAT?"

* * *

A/N: Yay, I updated! Well, I guess I could've made this a whole lot better, but I have coursework to be doing and I figured I can't keep depriving you guys of updates, so this is the compromise :)

Hope you enjoyed, and don't forget to review/favourite/follow! :D


	17. Complications

No one Understands

Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious, damn it.

A/N: I'm so, so sorry for the late updates recently. I really am.

* * *

"Cat Valentine's schooling is going to be a bit of a problem. I say this because unlike most of the patients we accept here, Hollywood Arts –her school - is centered on the Performing Arts." The room consists of a large oval table, the head being Dr. Stevens with Cat's adult team seated around it. They watch Dr. Stevens with furrowed brows, adapting and searching to deal with such a complex situation. "We do not have the facilities or the staff here to continue to provide her with education because in such a facility, it's impossible."

"So she goes without education for the duration of her stay, what's the problem?" Joan pipes in, trying her best to avoid such catastrophe.

"Joan, you know that education is imperative, she's 16. If she skips out on education here then her whole life will be in jeopardy." Another one of Cat's team adds, his tone sharp.

"Yes, but if she doesn't stay here then she's gonna have a lot more problems than just a career. She's here to recover; it's her priority right now." The short, dark haired women speaks with malice, as she's the closet one to the red-head and feels responsible for her like she would a daughter.

"Do you really want such a talent like Cat to end up with nothing?" Mark, speaks again.

"She already has nothing! Think about it for a second. If you had to choose between life and a piece of paper declaring your intelligence, what would you choose?" Joan doesn't say it to be malicious; she doesn't say it because she doesn't care. In her eyes, as well as many others, Cat does have nothing. Her parents don't seem to care for her, her friends are unaware she's even in here so she's alone, and to top it off, she's suffering with a disorder which she'll never completely get rid of.

Anorexia isn't something that can just go away, it's unfixable. But it's something which you can overpower. No matter how old Cat gets, her anorexic thoughts are guaranteed to make appearances every so often, but her time in treatment will teach her not to dwell on them. She'll be able to ignore the voice telling her if she eats this meal, she'll gain weight, she'll be able to subside the thoughts of reverting back to old ways.

By the end of treatment, her thinking processes will be flipped, no longer clouded by demons, and her healthy way of thinking will be enough to say 'no, I will eat this meal. I'm not going to deprive myself today.' It won't always be easy, and she will slip up, but if she's sent home now she won't even be able to have those cock-ups because it's what she would consider normal. Bottom line is, she needs treatment, and in Joan's eyes, if her education is put off, then that's the way it has to be. Unfortunately, not all of Cat's assigned staff members agree with that.

Dr. Stevens sighs heavily, sadness stroking his vocal chords. "Joan, you know this isn't my decision. Look, it's not in our interests to deprive her of anything, but in such circumstances, something has to go, and lawfully speaking," He drops Cat's files which had previously been in hand with soft awkward shrug of his lips.

"-Can't we just figure something else out? Sending her home will do nothing but encourage her disorder. She'll think resisting the program has rewarded her with her discharge!"

"Joan please, sending her home is the last thing we want to be doing, but is there much choice?"

"Yes, there is a choice. We just have to figure something out. She's been disregarded her whole life by everyone she's loved as far as we know, and all of us here know that disorders don't just develop to people who are comfortable with themselves. She thinks she's no good; we can't just fling her out because we can't provide her quality education. It'll break her even more, no matter how much she wants out." Sighs are heard from several of the other members, though none say a word. Dr. Stevens looks uncomfortable at the conflict, but she doesn't give a damn. She's like Jade in that respect, Cat being her priority.

"We could always transfer her," Steven's says through the awkward atmosphere. "We could do some research into other programs within the surrounding states and see what's best," he tries, "but as far as I know, nowhere in California provides education for the performing arts."

"And if it's not successful?" Mark chirps. Joan sends a scowl towards Mark, finding his comment unnecessary.

"Then we find a compromise."

* * *

"What the _hell_do you _mean_ Cat's in treatment?" Tori whisper-yells. Jade grabs Tori's wrist and yanks her towards and behind the grub truck, ignoring the onlookers. Tori grunts in frustration at Jade's silence, her own bitter look forcing its way to match Jade's.

"Vega you are _not_in any _fucking_ way going to repeat a single word of this conversation, do you understand?" Tori feels Jade's clenched fingers tightening around her wrist, though she refuses to show her acknowledgement of it. It doesn't hurt too badly, but then again she's almost sure it's not even supposed to. She frowns at Jade's expression, whose eyebrows - which are in an aggressively threatening position – are casting shadows over her eyes and blending with her usual dark make-up. She tries not to be so intimidated, and for a moment, she convinces herself she's not.

"Jade what the fuck have you been hiding? Tell me what is going on with Cat!" Jade flinches internally at Tori's use of curse words, knowing full well that those words don't just slip from Little Miss Vega's mouth by accident. She knows Tori's pissed.

Not that she cares.

"It's not hiding if it's no one else's business." Tori throws her arm in an aggressive manner, ridding herself of Jade's grip. The Latina isn't sure what's worse, the fact that Jade is cowering away from facing reality or the fact that someone so brutally honest has convinced herself of her own lies. It disgusts her; really, because it gets her wondering how she's looked up to Jade for so long for being so strong, so present in the hardest of situations, when here in front of her now is merely a just fragmentation of the girl she once admired.

"The hell it's not." Tori yells, no longer in a hushed tone. Jade's response dies before it takes its first breath, a still born. _Everything was going so well._ Put on the spot, Jade's comfort in herself diminishes and her confidence, or lack of, fuels Tori's. There's nothing much the Goth can say, nothing to counteract such a spot on statement, so she retorts to old habits. Jade gets increasingly close to Tori's face in an attempt to scare the youngest Vega, but the Latina finds that at this stage, Jade isn't so intimidating anymore. She's far too annoyed to give a shit. "What happened to Cat?"

Jade doesn't say anything for a while, trying her best to get Tori to submit, but nothing changes. Tori still stares at Jade through angry eyes while Jade does the same in return.

_So, so stubborn_.

Being so close to Tori... well it's nerving, because the breath in which she can feel on her lips, _her neck_ it isn't her own. She gets Goosebumps as her skin finds recognition, wrong in assuming the waves of warmth come from Cat. It's then when Jade gets a pinch on contentment in which she forces her eyes away from Tori's, moving backward until it's the cold which sticks to her neck, not pieces of Tori. Not the insidious warmth she finds comfort in.

She hates that her body is tricked into relishing past memories under wrong circumstances.

She hates that it's not Cat here with her.

She just hates.

"It's not my fault." She warns, recreating even more distance in which she had initiated between herself and Vega. Tori tries her hardest to keep her expression hard, but she finds it increasingly difficult when Jade's drops into one of hopelessness, as the Goth seats herself down on the floor, her back slouched against the truck. "I didn't mean for this to happen."

Tori's not so angry any more.

Jade's whimper of defeat struck Tori straight in the chest, unsure if she even heard Jade in the first place. She's confused, first off, contemplating whether or not she imagined Jade's confession, and if she wasn't watching the Goth in such an intense stare, she'd of just disregarded it as a trick of the ears. The fact of the matter is, Tori's never seen someone switch emotions so quickly, because a snapshot ago Jade was inches away from her face, the angriest she's ever seen the girl, and a second later, she's slumped on the floor, desperately trying to keep herself together.

_What the hell is going on?_

This is something she'd expect off of Cat, although there's a difference between how Cat's moods have fluctuated in the past to right now. Maybe Tori's just taking Jade more seriously because she's always admired the girl's control, or maybe because she's always brushed Cat's mood swings off because she's not even sure if Cat can feel emotions to the extremes in which she's witnessing presently, but she's starting to falter in her judgement. She's known Jade is the best actress in the school, but surely this can't be a trick.

Tori doesn't do much to move and help Jade, because (although diminishing) those feelings of anger are still very much there, and a part of Tori wants to see Jade so vulnerable, just to know she can. Because she's upset about Cat, even if she only actually knows the basics. She feels quite guilty about it though, as she just watches Jade try and mask her watering eyes.

"What happened to Cat?"

Jade looks to Tori to find she has a _slightly_more softened expression, but she can tell by Tori's tense body language that she's barely calmed down. Jade, in all honesty, doesn't know why Tori's so upset. It's not like her and Cat were even _that_ close. Jade sighs knowing she's just feeling sorry for herself, knowing that pity isn't going to get her anywhere. She drops her head back to her lap, picking at her the material of her jeans, when she hears Tori clear her throat for the second time.

"I told you. She's at Woodleaf." Jade says breathlessly, and unusual characteristic for the girl.

"I'm not stupid, I know that. _Why_is she at Woodleaf and what the hell 'isn't your fault'?" Jade looks over to the standing girl, surprised at the way Tori is carrying herself. She finds it actually irks her a little bit. _Why is Tori so mad?_ She's never been this mad or demanding, Jade's sure, so what gives?

"Why the _fuck_ do _you_ even care?" Jade almost screams, her gaze just as strong as Tori's.

"Why the fuck are _you_even crying?" Tori slurs, her words coated in sugary sarcasm. Jade stares at Tori ridiculously, because she sure as hell is _not_-

_"Shit."_ Jade furiously wipes away her tears, _those little bastards_, which she didn't even know had made a presence. She contained them, didn't she? _Obviously not_, she answers bitterly to no one in particular, her mood dropping even lower.

Jade remains seated on the cold concrete, her body numbing as the cold crawls it way through her clothing. She tries not to wince or shiver, but it's a reaction even the heartless can't restrain. Thinking has caused nothing but stress these past few weeks, Jade grudges, ultimately starting with her collapse of her relationship with Beck which she hasn't yet had time to grieve.

The pressure put on her is immense too, almost impossible to live up to without disappointing someone. She's got her reputation to withhold which is painfully shattering, her father to please, and she has Cat and Beck too, waiting so patiently for her to _do something _with herself already. There's Tori who has little sympathy, Andre and Robbie clueless. Beck still cares for her, Cat still _loves_ her. She hasn't seen her father in weeks. But just because she hasn't had that close communication or relationship, it doesn't change the fact that she still has to please. She's aware that those who are too ignorant to admit openly judge Jade for her every action. And though Her peers acquaintances aren't important, their opinions will always matter.

She wants not to care; she wants to go without such distress. But Jade West wouldn't be Jade West without her dramas and conflicts and her damn problems. She wouldn't be so closed, so _her_ if she wasn't so secretly afraid. She's confident because she has to be, but what's she got to be confident about anymore? Her acting lately is half-assed, she struggles to sing a verse without her voice cracking, and she sure as hell doesn't have anything to brag about anymore.

So why not just unravel?

What's so terrible about showing your cracks?

Everyone knows she has them. It'd almost be exciting to see the anticipation of _finally_ getting to see Jade stripped back and vulnerable.

It's all they want.

Entertainment.

She's sick of it.

She's had enough.

"You know what? I don't need this," Said girl concludes, pulling herself up from the ground. She doesn't need this above everything else.

"No, I don't think so." Jade turns to face Tori at her interruption, shock stammering around the Dark-haired girl's features. _Who the fuck does she think she is?_ "Don't you dare walk away from this Jade."

"I'm not walking away from anything." Jade bites. The Latina stares at Jade dumbfounded, because even in such distress the Goth still manages to refuse confrontation. Jade turns to make her way to wherever –she hasn't got that far ahead yet- but what she does know is that she'd rather be anywhere but here.

"You're in denial." Tori says, almost a whisper.

Jade screws her eyes shut at that, her back now to Tori. That's definitely what she didn't want to hear. She's not above the fact that she's feeling pretty shitty, she knows that she does in fact have emotions, despite her tendency to ignore them. But what she didn't need was conformation of them. She knows she's denying everything, because it makes things easier. You can get more things done when you're not clouded by emotions. Things are more productive when you ignore the screaming in your head. But Tori's accusations only make it more real, because Jade can't keep hiding herself away forever. She's becoming more aware with each attempt to pretend they're not there.

"Jade. You need to-"

"I don't need anything, or anyone." _Is she serious?_

"Then why did you tell me about you and Cat, huh? Why did you ask me to come with you to talk to Lane? And if you don't need anyone, what the hell was that back there? Why drag me with you? _Why are we here right now?_" Tori's not sure when she decided to become so bold, but she's actually quite proud of herself. Here is she, walking to take Jade in her arms, while she tries to knock some damn sense into Jade.

Tori turns Jade around, not adding a second thought when she unquestionably wraps her arms around Jade's shoulders, surprised when Jade mirrors her actions. She can tell Jade's crying again, and that's probably the only reason Jade is letting this happen, but she doesn't care. Jade needs a shoulder to lean on, and apparently Tori is the only one who isn't scared to offer.

"Talk to me."

* * *

After the meeting had ended, Cat's team –aside from those with Cat – scurried around, frantically researching and looking into different programs and centre within the California area, in hopes of finding someone able to cater for her.

Joan, whose still obsessively flicking through Cat's files, curses in exasperation just as Dr. Stevens walks on into her office.

She ignores him.

"Joan, please." He tries, but she continues on mumbling plots to herself.

"We could always-"

"I've made the calls." He interrupts, grabbing her attention immediately.

"What? What calls?" She panics,

"Well, asides from her school, everywhere. I'm just about to call Jade, actually."

"Why? Why would you call Jade?" She's furious now, because he promised he wouldn't do anything drastic until she figured something out. Why is he going against his own word?

"Because we both know that there's nothing we can do. The only centre which can cater for her schooling is all the way across the country, Joan, so it's either send her away from everyone and everything she's known or we set up a therapy course for her for her discharge."

"No, we can't do any of them. It's not fair on Cat."

"There's nothing we can do-"

"Just give me some damn time to sort this out!" She attacks, her outburst coming as a shock to both her and Stevens.

He sighs, looking around the room avoiding her eyes. "Fine," he says, "You have an hour before I make the rest of the calls."

* * *

A/N: I'm not happy with this chapter, and I know it's probably really confusing, but I was trying to grasp the idea that Jade is hurting, and her tough edges are rounding. Personally, I'm not a fan of using Tori in FanFics, but I feel like she's needed because everyone -including Jade- needs a shoulder to cry on.

The whole -send Cat to another treatment program thing- is an idea I'm messing with. I'm thinking about twisting everything up, but I'm not sure how so I'm just 'sdfghjkljhgfd-ing' all over this Fic. I have no idea where I'm going with this story, and I have no plan. I'm open to suggestions, but mainly i just write whatever pops into my brain.

Hopefully for the next chapter it'll be more Cat-centered, but y'know, I guess my guess will be just as good as yours as to if that happens.

Anyway, enough rambling ~ Review, favourite and follow. If you feel like it.

(apologies for mistakes).


	18. Pretending

No one Understands

Disclaimer: Do I own Victorious? No, but I like to pretend.

* * *

Okay.

That's what Cat's decided she'll be today. It's a Tuesday, meaning she hasn't seen Jade in 13 days. 13, she thinks, _how ironic._

Cat had been barely 13 when she met Jade, stumbling into a secluded bathroom in search of her Staging class. She has been scowled at by the pale teen at first, she remembers, and it was the second week of attending their very, very different school.

The first thing Cat had learnt attending Hollywood Arts was that no matter how nice _you _are to people, not everyone is going to be nice back. As an innocent, naive pre-teen, she hadn't quite fully understood what was accepted socially, and apparently, being happy wasn't.

Cat had messed up on that first week back at school, fumbling over words and stories which never did seem to make sense. Her thoughts were constantly scattered, ranging from the innocence in which she was and her home-life which she tried ever so desperately to escape from. She'd screwed up by telling people the things she liked, the things not considered to be normal, easily setting herself up for becoming the weirdest kid in school. But despite being a labelled as just another idiot, on her second week, she'd also been lucky enough to find the very thing that would become both her savior and curse.

_Jadelyn West._

She had always been a tricky girl, Jade. She too, like Cat, had a terrible home-life. However, how Jade was different was that she always seemed to have her emotions in check. You'd never catch a day where her vulnerability showed. She was difficult to approach in that sense, as the girl had found safety in channeling all her emotions into aggression and bitterness, instead. She had you intimidated almost effortlessly, her wicked eyes eerily enchanting.

Cat's not entirely sure what Jade must of thought about her, thinking about it. Hell, she's not even sure what she thought of Jade. Though what's clear is that when Cat had met Jade, she never knew she'd just met the girl who had the ability to level-out her moods, find a balance between them. Cat never knew how much Jade would mean to her.

In all honestly, even as friends, they shouldn't have worked.

But they did.

Being with Cat was like trying to read a book with little or no pages, in a language you didn't understand. You had to pick out segments from her contorted sentences, chopped and fragmented, and piece them together like a picture. You had to read between the lines with her, because fluently getting thoughts across through speech was just something Cat couldn't quite grasp. Her words, undeveloped and sloppy, flew from her mouth as if she was afraid they would burn her, her diction lacking also. It was a frustrating thing for anyone really, especially Cat, because no one could ever understand her. Her brain worked far too fast for her lips to encode script and transform it into physical language, and she always tried _so hard._

Her mental state was just so... fractured. She'd spend so much time sorting through her head, being tormented by what's right and what's wrong, desperately trying to get a grip on her emotions and just _pin them_ down in a safe place. Her memory, everything, was jumbled and mixed together, and no matter what she'd do to _fix herself,_ nothing ever worked.

Her breakdowns became her norm; her self esteem crushed by her own doubt. She split, shattering under all that inability to understand herself, that pressure to _just be normal already_. She'd torn herself apart with trying to be okay again, back before her parents started saying all those mean things, before they started leaving.

She became a mere fragment of the girl she once was before Hollywood Arts, a mess, her childhood friends barely able to recognise her. Her reflection always let her down, finding quickly that the mirror lied. She'd become someone she didn't know, someone who couldn't bear living in reality. Someone with a complete inability to stay lucid through a standard conversation.

She'd become a person who lied.

Her smiles were bright, reflective surfaces shining the poster child of innocence back at her. Everything about her was altered, though her eyes remained suspicious. She just couldn't shift that look of uncertainty they shared, no matter how much she giggled. The mirror told her she was happy, a great confidence boost in _her _fictional character, knowing that a creation _she_ had made had been successful for once.

No matter the pride in the safety of her facade, disappointment in herself always crept back in. Why was she hiding? Why was she so ashamed? What the _hell_ had happened that forced her into hiding behind the person she thought she once was?

Jade helped through it all, though. Through the transition. But, even though she adored Jade and cared for her, something was just... not quite right. Not in an uncomfortable way, just that she didn't feel like their friendship was... enough? She's still not sure. But the point being that though Jade was there for her, always there when she couldn't help but cry in that bathroom, she still felt... unsatisfied with herself.

Unsatisfied that what she was doing was okay, unsure on why she felt like she was alone again as soon as that bathroom door closed on their way out. It was like when she wasn't physically with Jade, she felt like Jade never really had been in the first place.

Like Jade was too good to be true. Just another figment of her character's imagination.

She'd went along with knowingly killing small parts of herself, replacing the lost pieces with false memories, false hope, anything that would make her feel better about herself. Her stories grew into fictional fantasies, and every word that spilled from her mouth was part of that same character living within them, too. It was never truly her saying those things, because she even wasn't sure who she really was anymore. So she believed her own stories, her own acts of manipulation, because she's always hated lying and maybe she wouldn't have to if she tried becoming that person inside her head.

She always felt guilty about it though, the lying, but she still latched on to the idea that maybe that person_ was_ once a part of her, when she wasn't so... confused. I mean, surely no one can create a new persona to that extent without extra help.

But as it is, she found it was easier to conform to the theory self prophecy label decided by others. She became Cat Valentine, the childish teen who everyone viewed as insignificant, yet, cute. She was the happy, bubbly girl on the first day of Hollywood arts all over again. Just adorable, really. The type of adorable in which bottling would earn you millions.

But no one could ever be that happy, they thought. But regardless of that, the Cat in front of them was enough to hold on to the idea that yeah, maybe you can. That maybe we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously. People envied her lightheartedness, because what teen doesn't want to be happy? Everyone wants to be that carefree, that clueless, and when people told her that, she'd react with a smile and another story if she was feeling generous, wishing that she could be like the person she created, too.

But that person wasn't real anymore.

_She_ wasn't real anymore.

She'd built herself up as a lie, an exaggerated version of who she once was, because she just couldn't do it anymore. She was going crazy, she was sure. Just so, so lost.

It was then she decided she'd stopped caring, concluding herself as a lost cause. She had let her thoughts run loose, letting them control her. Everyone was positive she was psychotic, and she believed it, too.

She gave up.

**_But then she kissed Jade._**

* * *

Jade had changed everything for Cat. Jade's presence alone improved Cat's confidence, making it that little bit easier to form sentences which made sense to both her, and others around her. Jade had given her the hope she needed to pick herself up from an all time low, with each kiss acting as her own personal medicine. Jade's affection for Cat helped her heal, as did Cat's love for Jade help too.

She had relied on Jade, too much than she knew was reasonable, but she didn't care. She just wanted so desperately to be herself again, her real self, and it was her love for Jade which was slowly stitching her together again.

It was every detail about the Goth. Every word she breathed, the way her eyelashes casted shadows over her eyes in certain light, that if you looked close enough, pay attention enough, you can see the way the Goth's eyes change through seasons. It was everything about her that made her fall subconsciously in love with her best friend. It was the reason why her time with Jade always felt...unfulfilling.

She hadn't really taken notice of those feelings until that nagging feeling of uncertainty finally washed away after the moment of realisation that they'd kissed that first time in her bedroom, after calming down from one of her breakdowns.

It wasn't easy though, being with Jade. Jade had her own problems too, meaning there was definitely tension from time to time. They were good for each other, the stress aside, and both did their best in those situations. Cat would soothe Jade, help her ease off the cutting. She'd help Jade get over her vulnerabilities with her father, and in turn, Jade would try her hardest to get through to Cat, to the girl underneath.

Making Cat believe that she was worth it proved most difficult to Jade, as the girl's insecurities were far too deep to just 'get over'. Y'know, it had actually taken Jade 4 long months of saying it repeatedly to Cat before the red-head really did start to believe Jade when she told Cat she was in love with her.

They were in love, and things went naturally after time.

But Jade's problems ran a lot deeper than the disapproval of her father.

Cat had loved every minute of her slowly returning sanity, and towards the end, it really started to show. But Cat Valentine never really got to relish in it, as things got complicated and some Canadian kid had came and stole her girlfriend. Cat had died all over again, developing a mental illness in the process.

She had become the spacey, oblivious teen everyone knew her as again, her mind deteriorating and fixating all those manic thought processes onto self-hate, sending her down on a spiral of self mutilation and shame.

She was disgusted in who she was, and all that healing, all that fixing Jade had spent so long on perfecting, dropped to the floor within mere minutes of Cat seeing her girlfriend gladly kiss a guy she'd never seen before, shattering into tiny pieces. All that love, all those feelings, wasted.

All for nothing.

It leaves Cat to where she is now, swallowed into a world in which she can't finish a meal. A world where 14 hours of therapy daily is said to help _fix_ her the way she never could, the way Jade attempted to.

In retrospect, she's quite glad. But she's doubtful. She'll always be doubtful.

Truth is, Loneliness ate away at Cat like a rotting corpse. It had carved out her insides, gnawed at her bones, her muscles. It consumed all that was her, until all that remained had been her insecurities. Nothing but an aching sensation left throbbing where her heart should've been, bitter air still sweeping its way around her hollow, empty body.

It had been a time where there was nothing else left, but anorexia.

Anorexia was always going to be there for her, she'd discovered.

She had managed to get rid of everything, reduce her thoughts down to self-disgust. It started with a promise, one to be broken, by the girl who calmed down her over-bearing emotions, the one who soothed her swollen heart. Jade had promised stability, she had promised safety. Jade had promised many things, but after a mere few months, her promises died out to silent maybes, to words which held no real value. But Cat still chose to believe in them,

Right down until the day Jade had left.

Cat's disorder developed in spite of the way she felt about Jade. She knew she never lost Jade, that if she spoke to Jade just once, then she wouldn't feel lonely anymore. But she refused, not because she was too proud or stubborn, but because she didn't want to feel a burden on Jade, dumping all her problems on said girl when she was clearly happy with how her life was going. So, she kept it hidden, smothering herself in depression.

* * *

Cat stares at the blinding white walls in her room, feeling cold and uncomfortable in the sterile environment. She's been sat here since she woke up, still in her fluffy over-sized pyjamas. Her hands lay in her lap, watching on as her memories of once being happy cloud her brain. Usually Cat would smile at her memories, or giggle like a small child when she came across the ones she particularly likes, but apparently things are different now.

Thinking about feeling true happiness only leads her to confusion, because even now she struggles to depicter between the real memories and those she'd created. It leads to thoughts about Jade, and how happy she thought they were together before she remembers how it all ended.

She hates thinking about it, like Jade's the one to blame, because she doesn't see Jade that way. Sure, she knows it's not a thing you should do to someone you love, but that doesn't make Jade _evil._ But that doesn't stop those thoughts either, the whispers in her head, creeping through and telling her to never speak to Jade again, to stop loving her.

She hates what her thoughts tell her, she doesn't want them to be so unforgiving, so malicious at times, but she can't seem to control them. They're what her therapist calls her 'Anorexic reasoning's', but what her therapist doesn't understand is that they've always been there. Ever since she can remember, even before her family decided they were better off without her.

Speaking of which, she has 2 hours with him this morning, straight after breakfast. She's being weighed today too, which is probably scarier than never seeing her family again, her brother included. If she's gained weight, she's failed and will sure to be abused by those ruthless thoughts of hers, and if she hasn't, she's then failing the program.

There's nothing she can do, it's impossible to please.

She sighs, stroppy, to a room which glares at her with disapproving eyes, strips her raw and bare. Cat's had to have seven therapy sessions in here, her room, due to her reclusive ways making it impossible to get her out without sedation or forceful manners.

Her team take her feelings into consideration, knowing giving orders and throwing fits isn't the way to deal with such an emotional girl, during an emotional period of her life, with Cat especially. Cat's very much looked at as a child, in the sense that she needs to be loved and nurtured, and taken care of delicately. She's an ill-fallen teen, with a heart of compassion yet hopelessness, sitting on her tiny bed as she eyes the tube tunnelling its way out of her nose from down her throat in the reflection of the door's window.

There's a consultation today on the date it'll be removed, and at the looks of things, it'll be taken out 2 days from now. She swallows the growing lump in her throat, feeling the tube manoeuvre as she does. Shifting uncomfortably, she blinks away her watering eyes, as the tube tickles and irritates the muscles impossible itch without gagging.

Having a plastic tube down your throat is painful and aggravating. It constantly shuffles around her tunnel walls, making it difficult to breathe and practically impossible to retrain the natural reaction to so violently cough. Her eyes water because of it all the time, and her nose is always running, making the skin around her nostrils sore and tender to touch. Not to mention the way it awkwardly positions her ear, coiled around it.

She hates it. She absolutely hates it. But it makes her _feel_ like she's skinny, makes her feel like she's achieved something good, giving her temporary happiness.

**_Skinny =pretty,_**

**_Pretty = happy,_**

**_Happy = perfect._**

But no matter how skinny she gets, happiness isn't something which sticks around.

So she gets even skinner, to feel that little short burst of joy again, the achievement.

But it's never enough.

She'll keep having to lose more and more, until she's as happy as she used to be as a child, as happy as Caterina, maybe even as happy as Cat Valentine is.

What happened to her? She thinks. _I wonder where Cat's dream-like life has taken her, _because Cat sure as hell hasn't seen her around. She doesn't even show up in her reflection anymore. Just this poor, sadistic mental patient with this ugly tube stuck to her pale, sickly face.

She misses seeing Cat's smile, it kind of suited her.

Cat muses to herself, drifting in and out of thoughts and daydreams, before being startled at a knock at her door, panicked by being brought back from her thoughts so abruptly. It's just one of the nurses, Cat notices, just here to check if she's still breathing.

Yes, she's still on stupid suicide watch, which makes sleep a nightmare, and life here even more stressful. Especially since there's talk of her being kicked out of this place to some other hell hole. It's a shame really, she thinks, because if there's anything she'll miss it'll be Charlie and her quirky ways and random outbursts.

The nurse eventually leaves Cat with a smile after filling out her chart, but not before Cat spots Joan through the half-opened door, files spilling from her arms as she attempts to carry far too many at once. Joan's been busy lately, Cat's noticed. She's been running around the hospital whispering and chanting random crap aloud to no one in particular, fooling some of the guests here into thinking she's just another crazy patient. Joan has told Cat herself about the predicament, the possibility that she may be transferred over to another program if they can't sort out her education, even though Cat doesn't want it anymore.

Joan's promised to try her best, though. She even went to the extent of making a pinkie promise to Cat stating that she'll do the transfer with her, if it comes down to it, which made Cat feel even worse. Cat doesn't want that for Joan. She doesn't want to be the reason Joan has to pack up her life and move half way across the country, away from her children. She's not worth that, she argues. She's not worth breaking up a family over.

But Joan insists, adding to her stress. Adding to the many other worries she has at the moment. Like Jade, being weighed, her tube removal. Like being thrown out of a treatment program she didn't even want to be in, in the first place.

"Stupid stress", she whispers.

"I hate you."

* * *

A/N: Okay, I'm going to stop there now because my foot is being stabbed by a hefty amount of pins and needles, and I fear that if I don't post this right now, it will fall off. Or explode... or summing.

Anyway, this chapter was more focused on Cat's thoughts and perceptions of herself, and a mainly about her mental state before her anorexia developed, and before Jade came along, and yes, it's a very, very confusing chapter :)

Next chapter based on Cat again, -hopefully- ^.^

Thanks for the reviews, favourites and stuffz, and oh my god my foot is in so much pain okay love you bye.


	19. Stage Fright

No one Understands

Disclaimer: How many times will I have to write this before you start to believe me?

_A/N: I know, I'm a horrible person. I haven't updated in like a month, but I do have my excuses which I won't bother plaguing you with. _

_Anyway! Merry Christmas, Happy new Year, and all the other festive holidays I've probably missed! :)_

* * *

"Cat, breakfast is in the hall at 10."

Cat's eyes snap away from her wrists, her heart fluttering underneath her ribcage with the anxiety and anticipation of her first meal of the day. She had been under the impression that it'd get easier to deal with the longer she was here, but the thought of gaining weight has done nothing but trigger her depression, making it even harder to stomach her insecurities and put the food to her lips.

Cat still also has the tendency to refuse food entirely, knowing that food will be pumped down her tube anyway despite whether or not she eats. The habit is one in which her therapists have been trying to discourage, especially now its removal is nearby. However, Cat's attachment to the tube has flourished significantly since its instalment, leaving the doctors exhausted in their attempts.

Cat herself seems to think differently of the tube however. In contrast to the doctors negative perception of it, she takes it as a twisted blessing. Originally, the tube was inserted for two reasons. 1 - to pump food in to Cat's system as she refused, and 2 - to scare the girl into realisation of how sick she really was. The thought of an NG tube insertion strikes worry among everyone, which the doctors subconsciously benefit from.

In addition to the doctors at Woodleaf, the young patients here also have a sensitive view on the tube. Those doing well in their recovery see it as triggering when new girls are put on it, and thoughts of going back to old habits strengthen with each victim to the tube as they weeks pass. It makes the emotions behind their memories of it disorientated. The time _they_ were in that position. 'Was it a happy time?' They think, 'or should I learn from it?' looking back at it, now that they're aware that recovery is supposed to be a time of _healing_.

First, it's Confusion. Unsure on whether or not that the girl subjected to that horrid piece of plastic is a bad influence or not, they start to internally panic. Once that sets in it's the paranoia that has a way of deluding their minds. All they can see is that tube on that girl's face, or in their reflection of their spoon, and most have never wanted to scream so much before. It's anger and it's fear and it's everything that can twist a person's judgement until you don't want to do anymore. It leads to grudges and tension, and then the whole ward is staring at that one girl whose back on the tube _for the fourth time already_ and all they can think is, 'God, I hate her. How pathetic.' It never makes sense, but then again most still don't even know why they're in here. _A treatment centre for a disorder the obviously don't have._ But what they do know is that what their feeling is irrational and completely judgemental.

But they'll still hate her.

That one girl who's on the tube.

Just even the thought of the tube threatens the patients who've been emitted for a while now, because to relapse would be far too easy and perhaps even thrilling. Exciting for some. The newer patients, too. Though not all of them know it. It's scary to think how warped these young girls minds are to have to be hospitalised in the first place, but then to be forced onto a tube for health reasons, only then to form a bond to a piece of plastic - and in extreme cases- an addiction.

Though it's this fear of the tube that the doctors find bittersweet. It makes the patients aware of _what_ they're feeling and eventually teaches them _how _to deal with it. But primarily, that one girl, which Today _should _be Cat, will feel uncomfortable with the silent torment around them, becoming ashamed of what they had once thought was the right choice. To starve. It's a harsh way of giving the girls motivation to recover, and for the most part, it works.

Cat's even been motivated too.

But for all of the wrong reasons.

Cat thrives from it. It's the perfect way to flaunt her achievements, she thinks, because it projects that she's _skinny._ It means that she hasn't failed in her intentions, and for that she's proud. It's for these reasons that her team have decided it's best for an early removal, despite the fact she is no way _near_ ready to finish a meal on her own. And Cat knows that. She knows that it will take away her pride, and she'll feel obligated to do absolutely anything to get it back. But she also knows that she'll be in here for much, much longer if she does, and that little twinge of hope she has is in making it out of here is all she'll have left.

Though in truth, Cat's just terrified. Of course of recovery, but respectively, Jade. She's scared of what Jade will say when she sees the tube, and she's afraid of what she'll _do_ if it's removed only to reinstalled at a later date. She doesn't want Jade to be disappointed in her anymore. Cat wants to make her happy.

But that means eating, which means suffering too. It means having the full 12 hours of therapy every day, and it means being drained of everything she's ever been sure about. It means being re-wired, and it's scary to think of how much she'll lose of herself in the process. Though as her therapists have pointed out in response; _'How much will you gain?'_ It's for all these reasons in fact, including her uncontrollable way of thinking and lack of grasp on how to cope with it, which has contributed to knocking her confidence to its lowest.

"Breakfast," she whispers unsure. "10 minutes."

The tiny girl takes a nervous breath, her eyes sliding shut as she attempts to compose herself. She moves towards her drawers to collect a new set of clothes, picking the first top and bottoms she finds and dropping them to the floor behind her. She doesn't have a mirror in her room due to strict policies, but knows she looks a mess anyway. She sighs once more for what seems like to fortieth time this morning, (still working on calming herself down before she has to leave the security of her confinement for breakfast), still caught up in the mess that parades in her head.

She uses the drawers to lean on, staring at the knots in the wood and tracing them with her eyes. She takes a few moments of whispering her favourite words in an attempt to savage any sense and rational thoughts that have hidden in the depths of her brain, hoping that she can hold onto them for peace of mind during breakfast. For a moment, she thinks she's okay.

After dressing, she leaves the room and it's then that she knows she'd just believed another one of her lies again, because those were _Cat's _favourite words, not hers. She knows she can't back out now because the door is already open, and the obnoxiously loud screech of the hinges have already caught enough attention in the halls. The workers are trying not to look at her, some not having seen Cat for days, others just curious as to how she's holding up at the news. Y'know, being kicked out.

Her breath hitches at the sight of one of the teens leaving their room who doesn't acknowledge Cat, which is shocking because her hair practically screams 'fire truck'. A second teens wonders out from the same room, rubbing her eyes and groaning about how 'it's way too fucking early for this,' just seconds later. Cat flinches at the curse word as she always does, which only reminds her that she has yet to move from the threshold of her door. She keeps her eyes glued to the floor when as she does, nervously pulling at the sleeves of her jumper.

"Okay. You're okay Cat." She mutters the promise she made back at herself. "I'm going to be okay today."

"Cat!" Charlie practically screams, and so much for a low profile.

Charlie envelopes her in a hug before she can even react, her only response being the widening of her eyes.

"Hi." Cat squeaks in a shy voice, her breath caught in her throat. Charlie pulls back away from Cat with a stupid smile on her face, and it gets Cat wondering what's she's so damn happy about.

"I missed you. I hate that you're still on damn suicide watch," the elder girl relents, unaware of how the word '_suicide' _makes her cringe. Cat simply nods and that's enough for Charlie, as she grabs Cat's wrist and leads her away and into the breakfast hall.

Charlie's in good form, Cat notes. She seems content within herself and doesn't seem to mind the fact that she's going to have to eat a full plate of calories. Cat wishes she were able to just 'not mind', but she doesn't know how or why anyone could. She admires Charlie for that though, for being able to just 'switch off and deal', especially since Cat knows firsthand that Charlie has her own days worse than Cat. It's terrifying actually. When Charlie isn't okay with eating for days.

Cat still hasn't spoken another word to Charlie since she's been dragged like a frightful puppy into the hall, and she sure as hell hasn't had any eye contact. She's focussed on her nerves and how she probably shouldn't be shaking this much.

Charlie finds one of her other friends and forces Cat to sit with her by them, (which she's unsure about but does anyway), as Charlie starts up conversation about how her parents are coming at 4pm for therapy.

Cat doesn't include herself in the conversation, finding it difficult to hear anything but the cooks giving orders to each other and clinking of the workers setting up cutlery. She's sure she can hear her heartbeat in the mix, too. Cat hides in her baggy jumper, pulling her sleeves down way past her hands and covering her face with the extra material in a casual manner, trying to be discreet. She doesn't know how long she stares at her lap for, but she's knows breakfast is starting to be served when she hears Charlie whisper a 'you're going to be fine' in her ear.

* * *

"What about a compromise. How about..." Joan fumbles about her copy of Cat's program - clearly desperate to prevent such drastic decisions to be made - to Stevens. "Okay, um. In Cat's program her progress is marked by her weight, right? When she hits her target weight, privileges to prepare her for the real world and her discharge are put in place like home visits, right?" Dr. Stevens eyes Joan, suspicious and very, very confused. "How about, instead of waiting for the target weight to be met, we allow her to gain privileges earlier by her progress in therapy?"

"Where are you going with this?" He says, taking a seat behind his desk while Joan preferably stands.

"I was thinking, as her target weight won't be met for several weeks, we install an adjusted system in that if she makes good progress in other fields, she'll be able to leave the treatment centre under supervision for a certain period of time." She breathes, her lungs spent of oxygen.

"What has this-"

"Just listen," she interrupts immediately. "We can't provide her with education here nor can any other centre within 700,000 miles, and discharging her with regular therapy sessions would only do her more harm. So, as an alternative, I suggest a different approach. My priority is Cat's recovery, and yours at this point is her education, so what if we allow her to go into school for a few lessons a week to keep her updated under supervision, but only if she submits to the program? That way she has both." Joan has a smile on her face when she finished, happy with her proposal.

Dr. Stevens' crosses his brows at Joan, still processing her suggestion. Biting his cheek, he accepts the files Joan hands to him and jumps to the bookmarked pages. "See, I was thinking that if we do it this way, then the effect on her psychologically won't be as damaging." Joan states in accomplishment.

"Joan, you can't send her back into school. That's a horrific idea." Joan tenses at his critiques, trying and failing at not taking it to heart. "Send her back to school and she'll get patronised. By her friends, her fellow students, and the teachers. She's far too fragile and I'm completely shocked that'd you even consider such a thing."

"Send her back to school and she'll be asked questions. Send her half way across the country and she'll be scarred. Not to mention completely petrified." Joan spits back. "At least if you send her back to school **_supervised _**then we'll be able to ensure that doesn't happen."

"And how exactly are you planning to do that? You can't force curious, bold teenagers to do anything. And don't you think a student wandering around a school being followed by some strange adult will catch some attention? You're being far too irrational."

"Or maybe you just aren't willing enough to try." Joan's icy glare slices through Steven's with ease, making him feel a little emasculated. "Consider it." She says, "consider all of the possibilities of how it could work, consider why we should give this a go. That's all I ask."

Joans turns to leave from Stevens' office, but he stops her just before she reaches the door. "I called Jade."

"You what?"

"I called Jade and spoke about the transfer to Queensmead. I told her about Cat's frequent panic attacks, and I've told her about Cat's lack of progress."

"And why the hell would you do that?" The fiery woman questions almost violently, tracing her steps back over to his desk.

"Because I think the transfer is the best thing for her." He replies unconvincingly. "And Jade is all for it."

"Y'know, you really do rely on that girl too much. She's a child, you'd think you'd know better than put all of that pressure onto her."

"She's eighteen in 4 weeks, and I wouldn't put pressure on her if I didn't think she could handle it. I don't see why if Jade can support the transfer, you can't." Shifting in his seat uncomfortably, he watches Joan intently.

"Of course she's all for it. She'd pierce her own eyes out 6 times over if she thought it would help Cat. But the matter of the fact is a transfer isn't the way forward," she says, walking backwards towards the door. "And I just hope you realise that before you make any stupid decisions."

* * *

A/N: Apologies again for the late update. This chapter has bugged me for the last hour or so, because I just can't seem to like it and it's starting to irritate me a little. I thought I'd post it anyway, because I haven't slept in 26 hours and I should really get onto that :

Thanks for the reviews, favourites/follows, I really do massively appreciate it, and I love you all!

_AND OMG JARIANA IS PERFECT I'M STILL FANGIRLING _

_sdfegzhkhcv.b/_

Oh, and the 'They're Cat's favourite words' is in referral to the last chapter, which basically is the continuing of the idea that Cat's created a fake persona(s).

_But omg, Jariana_


	20. Progression

No one Understands

Disclaimer: If i owned Victorious, Bade wouldn't exist, and Trina would be more appreciated because she's kind of genius.

* * *

Cat's always admired Jade. Though, she realises now maybe not in quite the same way as others do, (because if they say otherwise, they're lying). No, she appreciates the little things about Jade West that others don't bother to even acknowledge. It's beautiful, she'd long concluded, how Jade's eyes change colour from a misty grey to an emerald green through the seasons. It's always been her favourite thing to witness. Cat had even asked Jade about them once.

She had been in awe at the time, and her thoughts weren't very conclusive. She had babbled on about how much she liked the way they glowed when they were blue, and when they glistened while they were green. Jade looked tense at first at Cat's intrusive ways, but her expression softened and transitioned into one of contentment after the shock. Cat had blushed at Jade's sceptical, yet intrigued look though.

It was like Jade couldn't understand that anyone had even cared to notice, which then Cat couldn't believe because they're just _so pretty. _But then she started to feel creepy, like she was some sort of pervert or something. (She doesn't really know what that means though, just that Robbie's one because he likes to stare at her chest).

Cat misses Robbie. She misses everyone, actually. Even Beck. It makes her wish that she had been sneaky enough to of never got caught. If she hadn't, she'd be meeting them at Tori's locker right now and not sitting at a table waiting to be poisoned. She sighs, another attempt at distracting herself a failure.

Cat's been sat at the dining table with the rest of the girl's here for about 6 minutes. Even the prettiest of thoughts can't do much in cancelling out all of her ugly ones. Hoping Jade would keep her calm was her best plan, but it seems that nothing will ever be able to keep her head trained on one thing at a time for long enough to accomplish anything.

Tearing herself away from present -she prayed - would've been enough distance to absently, or more manageably, swallow the calories on her plate before she made her way back, she thought. But her brain refuses to co-operate, not interested in her pathetic attempts of any salvation, so now she's stuck. It was in her best interests, her only hope of getting through this swiftly. But nothing ever goes well when she schemes in such ways.

She covers her eyes once more with her sleeves, the drifting smell of cooked food sticking to her clothes and invading her senses. Her stomach growls in excitement, and maybe a little anger, hoping that today it will actually be fed whole foods as opposed to a watered down paste.

Her hands fly to her stomach as it does, pushing and smothering it in her attempt to shut it up. Anxious, her eyes scan the hall seeking out anyone who may have heard such a disgusting sound. Cat's head drops again once she's sure she'd masked it enough, her hands still latched onto her hips as her forearms apply her weight in pressure against her tummy.

"I'm okay," Cat whispers to herself again. "It's only food."

**_But Caterina, it is so much more than that._**

_"No, you're not real." _

**_Am I not, Caterina? _**

_"It's all in my head. I'm going to be okay."_

**_You're a smart girl, so quit being naive. I'm just as real as you._**

"Here you go, miss. Enjoy." The canteen lady says, dropping Cat's tray of porridge, orange juice and raisins on the table.

There it is. The panic. Cat's not sure of much, because that constricting inside of her is making it extremely hard to even breathe, let alone think. Her breath comes out in bursts, gasping but not relieving. It's not enough, the oxygen. She wonders if it's going to be like this forever as her hands drop from her stomach to take the bench in her grips, making her knuckles eerily white.

She wonders if recovery is even worth it, this pain. This struggle to even visualise herself eating. Shouldn't it be easier to just go on with her disorder? It's not much of a life but it's easier. She knows she has a problem, but maybe the problem is who she was supposed to be. _Is. _What if she was supposed to be the person that teaches other people, not in theory but by actual fact. She could do talks on what's it's like to be her, how difficult it is to cope with just an illness but at the same time how rewarding she feels from it.

She could be a lesson to kids, another statistic for news paper reports and blogs on teen deaths. She could be the girl who makes a change, whose life is sacrificed to get others to take ED's seriously. To stop people purging for that first time, or from skipping their first meal. She thinks that maybe that's who she has to be, and for some reason she's fine with that. Because she'll do anything to help others, even if self-destructing is a way to do it.

She cares, though just not for herself.

'But no," she thinks. Isn't it supposed to get better? She's not ready to die.

She's sure she's starting to sweat, the heat becoming unbearable. It's a thought that she doesn't hold for long, because she can see the steam from her porridge radiating and it just makes her painfully aware of how thirsty she is.

She's not sure what's worse, knowing she has nothing to quench her thirst with or that she's not worth recovery. The orange juice will fatten her, or at least bloat her, and it's far too Moorish to even think of sipping at. It's an evil trick these doctors use. They know drinking even a little with the strictest of intentions will always be short lived. What's a sip turns to a gulp, a gulp into a few more. It's a sickening cycle which drives most cynical, but what can you do when you're giving nothing but the drink when you're throat threatens to close and you're not _quite_ ready to die?

And it's this burning, this overheating which makes it that much more tempting to just have a little. Knowing it will refresh her, knowing that _if _she just took a little of that ice cold juice, then _maybe _she wouldn't feel like she was about to suffocate. It kills her, it does. So she gives in.

Cat shakily reaches out for her glass, bringing the rim up to her pale lips.

**_Don't you even dare-_**

She feels the fluorescent liquid touch her lips, sending a shiver down her spine at its coolness. She can hear the others around her shuffling with the food on their tray, deciding whether they're going to eat it or not. But Cat doesn't care about any of that. She's about to part her lips to allow the juice into her throat, and that is enough reason to ignore everything else right now.

It swarms her mouth, unstoppable now as it slides along her gums and through the tiny gaps of her teeth. She shouldn't be doing this, she knows. But It's only one time and she can always lose the calories in other ways. She swallows, to both her delight and horror, her throat cooling for just mere seconds before it fires back up again. The glass is back on the table, her cheeks a rosy pink as she stares down upon the mark she left on it with her lips.

She shouldn't have done that.

**_You really shouldn't have done that-_**

_I know._

Cat looks to her left to see Charlie taking another mouthful of the sticky porridge, as are the rest of the girls at their own pace. It makes her feel pathetic. While the girl's she's sat with have been inside for allot longer than Cat has, eating their breakfast no matter at which pace, she's sat her quaking at the thought of even having another slurp of juice and just a few raisins. It makes her feel stupid, because they're so much better at this than her, and it makes that thought of just adding to the number of statistics seem allot more freeing.

She swipes away the small layer of sweat on her forehead, before looking back down to her tray.

_"I'm okay."_

* * *

"Take me to Cat, I want to see her."

Jade carries herself through the halls with steady feet, grown used to Vega pesting her for the past couple of days about seeing Cat.

"Jade! Stop ignoring me!" The brunette whines again from beside Jade.

"Y'know, keep following me around like this and people might actually start to think we're friends." Jade says calmly, with a little hint of warning in her voice. "Now, as much as I've enjoyed having a little pet this week, I'm done with watching my step around small animals." Jade reaches her locker, twisting and turning at her lock until it swiftly pops open. Tori stays at Jade's side, with an expectant look but in a hesitant position. "So. I'm going to need you to back off." Jade says finally, turning to Tori.

"I won't leave you alone until you take me to see Cat." Tori says confidently.

"Oh you will if you want to keep your kneecaps." Jade says with a smile. Tori flinches at Jade's threat, who watches Tori with her trademark smirk.

"You won't hurt me," She starts, "I'm the only one who knows."

"Yes, Vega. And wouldn't that be even more reason to have you hospitalised?"

"I.. uh-"

"You don't seriously think I need you, do you?" The actress says mockingly. Jade lets out at patronising laugh as she walks away, shaking her head. But Tori doesn't stay behind.

"I still think you do." Is said between Tori's steps behind Jade.

A frustrated sigh and an unanticipated stop in the middle of the hallway, Jade turns to Tori now with a twisted look in her eyes. Jade's starting to lose her levelhead. "I don't need you Vega, so leave me the hell alone and never bring Cat up again." She warns, pointing her finger at a wary Tori. "Quit following me around, quit talking to me like I owe you something, and quit fucking asking questions and making demands." The elder girl growls, "I'm not your fucking friend."

Jade leaves an agape-mouthed Tori behind this time, repositioning her bag on her shoulder as she storms away. Tori glances around, and not exactly to her surprise, no one has even batted an eyelash at the pairs confrontation.

It's unknown to even Tori as to why she feels like she _needs _to see Cat so much. It's just this nagging feeling she has, this feeling of incompletion, like she has to go see her before she feels at peace again. But maybe she just wants to see Cat for herself, to see what's Jade's been talking about in the flesh. She doesn't doubt Jade, that's not it, but she just feels like that maybe if she looks at Cat, she'll get confirmation of everything Jade has told her in the past couple of weeks. Confirmation of what they used to be, how they were.

She just wants to know how differently she'll look at Cat now knowing what she knows, how much she's changed from just her random little friend since she last saw her.

Of course Tori misses her, everyone does, but it's just something she needs to see for herself. This person Cat is now that she's not in a position to hide anymore, now that Tori knows of her past. It's weird, Tori knows, and totally unnecessary and invading. She's not oblivious to the fact that Cat's sensitive and this could affect them both, hell even Jade. But she just needs to see her.

Being scared is something she never thought she'd feel though. It's unnerving, because this is a whole new Cat she's talking about and Tori doesn't know her like Jade. Fuck, she just straight up doesn't know Cat. The red-head could react badly. She could lash out and scream and scratch, or she could run up to Tori and hug her. She's unpredictable because she's a stranger. And you never know what strangers are thinking or feeling.

So maybe Tori's fear is fuelled by her uncertainty, her complete lack of knowledge on the girl she's so desperate to see. Or maybe she's just scared of how Jade'll react, or of what she'll even say to Cat, ask or do. How is Tori supposed to act? Is she allowed to know what she knows? Is she supposed to tell Cat what she knows? It's just really uncomfortable to think about, or even picture. Because it's smart to fear the unknown, and Cat right now, is definitely part of that label.

But, she has to know.

She'll always have to know.

"Fine, then I'll just get there myself."

* * *

"Cat, you're doing great." Charlie's finished her porridge at this point and is onto her raisins. Cat hasn't gone back to her Juice, but she picked at 2 raisins before spitting them back out again.

"No I'm not. I can't even pick up the spoon." Her voice is small, but due to their proximity Charlie can still here her.

"Doesn't matter, two weeks ago you wouldn't even make it in here before passing out." Charlie drops her own spoon on the table before turning back to face Cat again. "Look Cat. It took me _weeks _to even drink water here."

Cat looks up to Charlie with big brown eyes, an insecure mess inside. "I need... I- I need?" Charlie moves to engulf Cat in a hug as soon as Cat's voice cracks and her eyes start to gleam with tears. "I- I..."

"_Shhh," _Charlie soothes, _"you're going to be fine. It's okay." _The shorter, red-headed girl starts to breathe unevenly again, shaking and trembling as her body rakes from her sobs, a broken-mess of a sound.

"It's okay? I'm okay."

* * *

"So, Cat. I heard you managed to finish all of your raisins and a quarter of your orange juice at breakfast today. Good job." Cat slumps in a chair, not feeling particularly good about herself right now. Quite frankly, therapy or not, she doesn't need reminding of all those calories she ate.

"Hey," He says to catch her attention. "It's difficult, I know. But anything in life that comes easy isn't really worth it. Your recovery Cat, that's everything. So I need you to start believing in yourself."

Her eyes catch onto his bookcase, because anywhere is better than looking into his eyes. "You did really, really well today Cat. You need to give yourself credit for that." She continues to pick at the skin around her nails. She doesn't feel like talking today. "Jade's coming in soon, you know. Want to talk about how you feel right now before she gets here?"

"Jade's coming?" Cat frantically asks, her eyes wide and body tense.

"She's due in around 20 minutes, actually. Family therapy." He says lightly. "Is that okay?"

His voice is soft when he asks, delicate as if it were a child he was speaking to. He makes brief mental notes of her body language and mannerisms, keeping them short so he can jot them down later.

"I-I...yeah." He notices her breath hitch before she answers, and notices how she reverts her eyes to different pinpoints in the room as her breathing quickens. She's panicking again. As tempted as he is, he waits a few more moments as she attempts to tackle her own distress.

He watches on in amazement as she clamps her eyes tight and starts to whisper what seems to be memories back at herself. He's confused, for sure, but she seems to be managing to fight off what he assumes is the beginnings of a panic attack, which he hasn't seen here before.

She pulls her legs up on the chair to her chest, wrapping her arms around them to lock them in place. Her heads drops to rest on her knees, her face smothered and hidden away. She's still whispering, he realises, though her voice is muffled and small, and very difficult to pick up on. Fortunately he does hear a few scattered words, ranging from 'mom', 'school', something about red tattoos, but mainly 'Jade.'

Eventually, her breathing manifests back down, and her eyes gently start to reopen though she doesn't look up. "You okay?" He soothes, his eyes locked on her small body as she drops her legs slowly from resting on the seat.

"I'm okay." She says with a smile, and he's never seen anything that suits anyone more.

* * *

Jade left school after second period to leave for Woodleaf. Stevens had called her yesterday to set up an arrangement for Cat's first family therapy session, in which it was mandatory she was to attend. She's quite grateful actually, because the rest of the day being followed by Vega would've sent her to insanity. She just doesn't understand that girl.

Always getting up in everyone's business. It sickens her.

She makes it to the centre in just under 30 minutes, making sure to park away from trees just like the last time she was here.

She doesn't smile when she walks through the doors, but Elizabeth gives her one anyway. Jade marches across the reception and to the desk, writing down her name and taking a name tag at her request.

"Dr. Stevens is on his way to collect you," She tells her.

"Whatever."

Jade strops back to her seat and waits around 10 minutes for Steven's to arrive, scowling bitterly at him for taking so damn long when he does, (which she doesn't hesitate to tell him by the way). As they walk, he runs through all key points she needs to bear in mind.

"Try not to bring up her weight, because she's sensitive to it especially now that she's gaining it." Relief sweeps through Jade at the sound of that, that Cat's gaining weight, even though Stevens' had informed her not long ago that she doesn't physically eat much and it's mainly down to the tube. Still, she's relieved.

"Also, her parents. We'll speak of them within the session, which should be about an hour, tops." He punches in the code on the secured doors to get into Cat's actual ward. "It should also be in your best interest to let her know that you're not judging her, or holding some ulter motive as to why you're going to be in these sessions."

"Ulter motive?"

"Patients this early on in their recovery blame those who had them admitted and usually come up with 100's of different theories as to why you must hate them. Cat, in this case, may think you're only here because you feel sorry for her. Silly, I know, but it is what it is."

"So what. You expect me to just blurt out why I'm _actually _here? Wouldn't that just make it worse? Bringing it up will just make her double-guess it, because all it will tell her is that I'm trying manipulate her or something, because I'm thinking about it as a conscious thing. She'll just think I'm lying to her face"

Stevens' smiles at Jade's elaborate thinking, shrugging as he pulls open the next set of doors. "I just simply meant that you show her somehow. Body language, expression. Y'know, all that good stuff."

Jade rolls her eyes at his simplicity, bored in his presence. "Whatever."

"Well, I'm not going to be with you for this sessions because I have another patient to deal with. You'll be with her other Key worker/therapist, just through those doors." He smiles at her while motioning to the doors just ahead of him. Jade gives him one last look before moving to the door and twisting the handle.

This is it.

Time to face the truth.

* * *

A/N: I realise I'm not very good at updating. Actually, I've always known that but woohoo for observations.

Anyway, I have exams all this week and I should probably start revising for them soon, so yeah. I've updated now so you won't have to wait another week or two.

I'll fix mistakes when re-read this at a later date, so review, favourite and follow in the mean time! :)


	21. Introductions

No-one Understands

Disclaimer: Beck annoys me. I do not own Victorious.

A/N : The darkness Cat refers to is just her way of describing depression. Note back to chapter 5 if you get confused by the mention(s) of it in this chapter.

* * *

Jade's always struggled with identifying exactly who she is. Not in the timid way, because shy is what's she far from, but just the concept in general on how she acts and her reasoning's for it. She's become more conscious on her actions recently, internally commenting on something she just carried out or said and questioning why it was she did. It just strange really, how people do things, simply things, without really thinking about it because it's become so natural for them. It gets her wondering on when these people starting saying or acting out these little things in the first place, and how long it took before they stopped really thinking about it all together and just started doing.

It's what makes people who they are, ultimately. In Jade's terms, how she responds in casual conversation or how she physically reacts it what makes her_ her_. If she rolls her eyes, sighs, or just does whatever, it doesn't matter. It's the concept of individuality, because she's not going to respond in the same way in situations as other people. She's Jade and they're themselves, completely different from one another. But how everyone is similar is the confusion of how to act in situations they've never been in before.

On a normal day, everything seems almost scripted. You have your routine, and everyone around you has theirs. You go about your day as do they, and it's accepted because it is what it is, and it's just another day. But today is different, because Jade has never done this before. It's uncomfortable and clumsy, like moving into a new house or town. You don't know where things are, and you haven't quite yet worked out how things run, so you keep accidentally bumping into the corners of furniture and cursing in frustration because it's so damn stressful and new.

It's in these new situations that makes you aware of how individual you are, like looking in a mirror and repeating your name back to yourself until all you can do is stare. It's almost surreal in the way you see yourself, and the more you think, 'whoa, is that really me?', you morph into a different perspective, a stranger even, and start to wonder 'who the hell is that?' because you just don't know. You wave at your reflection and watch as it mimics you, and it gets your mind stirring on how it was you just did that without even thinking, and makes you conscious about all of the control you have.

You stare at all the things around you that you own, that belongs to you and theoretically adds you up as a person. You engulf yourself into all these random thoughts, of who you are, and how you go through life barely even thinking about what you're doing. Like writing a tweet on The Slap, or drawing if that's what you're into. It's mindless but you still do it because it's _you_ and it's just what _you_ do when you're bored or looking for something to do.

Once you get started it gets hard to stop, because you can't help thinking about what you're movements and expressions for a while after staring in that mirror, and then it's all you can think about. How your mind connects the dots and performs actions instantly, how just carrying out simple tasks is so natural now you don't even have to think, and it's that realisation that she's actually a person, built from a structure of bones and flesh topped with her own personality and way of thinking, that makes Jade suddenly uneasy and wary because not five minutes ago you were just acting on things on instinct.

Her movements and her breathing patterns are screaming at her, and she's asking herself what's she's supposed to do now that the door handle is all the way down. She sways on her spot, because she's thinking about her balance and it's fucking with her co-ordination. She's doing too much thinking, so her mind, it's struggling to work out what she wants. Where she wants to look, the way she wants to walk, because everything is on manual now because it's new and that's scary.

She's never been in a therapy session before, and she's unsure on how she's supposed to act around/with Cat given the circumstances. Though this manual way of doing things has happened before, it was so long ago now that she doesn't know how she coped with it and pulled off acting naturally. She's sure, that if she was to see her reflection in a mirror now, she'd stare confused at how unnatural and awkward she looked. Jade West isn't supposed to look awkward, but the more she thinks about how she's not meant to be something, the more it seems to happen anyway.

So she's awkward and badly coordinated walking into a intimate room, swaying and wobbling like a drunken old man, just praying nobody notices. But Cat does, and it hits Jade that she just stumbled into a room that held Cat inside and now she's looking at her and she doesn't know how to react because she's never done this before _andwhatthehellisshesupposedt odnow?_

Cat stares at Jade with wide eyes with dark rims, tiredness evident. And Jade doesn't know what to do so she just stares back, her own blue eyes ringed in the same way.

Jade's throat constricts at their proximity, and her stomach wiggles its way up to her chest making it a struggle not to throw up.

And her heart, that damn thing. That thing seems just as confused as her. It has its own set of nerves, panic, and all Jade wants it so shut the damn thing up, because she's _absolutely sure _Cat can hear it too.

Their exchange, though silent, speaks a thousand words. Worry, relief, anxiety, _love... _And they're staring and staring, because none of them know how to react, both off of autopilot and struggling to operate by themselves. The actress can see Cat starting to tremble, though she's too far away to see if there's tears or not.

No wait, there's tears... brimming up on the bottom lid of her lower lashes, threatening to spill.

_But they're not Cat's. _

_It's there again,_ the confusion in Cat's eyes as she looks upon a girl, _her _girl, blinking back tears, a sight she's only seen a few times before. Twice, when she broke up with Beck. It's weird to her, but comforting in a twisted way, that Jade is a couple of meters away trying not to cry. It's exactly the same reason that Cat doesn't, because maybe it's time for Jade to let out her emotions like her therapist has been telling _her _to do for the past couple of weeks.

Maybe it's Jade's turn to grieve.

To cry,

So Cat does nothing.

Nothing but watch.

Jade manages to hold those little critters at bay, and huffs in annoyance at her complete lack of control, and her flat lining confidence and way of self. _What is going on? _

They both refuse to speak, not knowing what or how to say anything, so they just sway in silence, eyes still glued. But that heart again, it's all she can hear. That _thump, thump, thump,_ continuously, right up until Cat's stupid key worker clears his throat and makes them both jump.

Jade's still stood by the door, as is Cat still twisted in her seat when he speaks for the first time.

"Jade, nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Sean, Cat's head therapist and assisting key worker." He walks over to Jade with his hand outstretched, but she's not really listening because she's still looking at Cat. She shakes his hand absently, knowing that it's probably the right thing to do, though she's not really interesting in meeting _him _exactly.

Dr. Sean moves back over towards his desk, pulling an extra chair up for Jade before seating himself down. "Do sit," he says with a warming smile. So eventually, she does.

* * *

Around three quarters of her way through the session, Jade finds herself slowly starting to feel a bit more _her. _As far as she knows, the session has gone considerably well for the first time, even if Cat has yet to say something. She's been quiet this whole time, picking and fiddling at hanging pieces of thread from her sleeves, not making much eye contact even when asked questions. Nobody really expected much from her during the session, because of course she was going to be uncomfortable, especially around someone so important.

Jade symbolises hope, because she's all Cat's going to have to pull herself through this. Her parents are ignorant and aren't interested in her very much, and her friends? Much like her parents they don't know she's in here, and probably won't ever. Jade also happens to be the very girl holding her together, because as much as she values Jade as a friend, if she didn't feel for her in the way that she does, she wouldn't even be making an effort here.

She wouldn't bother showing up to the dining hall, she wouldn't talk to her therapists. Hell, she wouldn't even _try _and get off of suicide watch if it didn't upset Jade so much. Nor would she leave the tube in. In truth, Cat could've ripped it out by now, because physical pain isn't enough anymore to make her flinch. But she's left it, untouched, delicately taped to her face because of _Jade. _

Jade has kept her from deliberately harming herself anymore, now she's starting to separate what her brain tells her and what her stomach does. Without that patronising voice being so strong. Don't get me wrong, Cat stills struggles, of course she will. But now she knows that it's _her _saying those things, and that eventually the abuse _will_ stop, then it's easier to fight it. It's easier to side with Jade, the reason for her rational thinking.

Needless to say, Jade is important. And everyone in the room except from Jade herself knows that. So Dr. Sean doesn't push for answers, doesn't scare Cat away with prods and pokes at her thoughts. He speaks only calmly, with a caring tone that makes Jade sick. But it's comfort. It isn't an attack, so in time, Cat will speak up.

The session's purpose really was to get the two comfortable with each other in this environment, and to a heavy extent it's been successful in the fact that they're both still here willingly, and Jade is starting to get the hang of it, as is Cat. They're body language has softened, though Jade still seems much tenser than Cat, he notices. Her body expression seems false, like she isn't sure on how to properly relax. Her back is smoothly upright, no evidence of a slouch, with her hands folded awkwardly in her lap. She's still tense, he adds to his notes, but it's Cat who's the interesting one.

Cat is using the back of the chair to her benefit, sitting right back in her chair so her legs hang over the end without her feet touching the floor, much like a child. In terms of her facial expression, she looks unsure. Her eyebrows are knitted, and she's sucking on her bottom lip, trying not to look anyone in the eye.

He interprets their behaviour in terms of being in a family unit, ignoring the fact that they've had any previous relationship on an intimate level. Jade, she's acting maternal, something he's seen hundreds of times from nearly every parent whose every walked in this room. She's somewhat insecure, as most parents tend to be when their child has developed an ED. She shows signs of the evitable act of blaming herself for Cat's ordeal, because those quick, saddened glances she keeps taking at the small girl suggest regret.

Cat, she meets the characteristics of a teenager whose in her circumstances, the only difference being how naive and vulnerable she becomes when Jade enters the room. Cat's scared, they both know that, but it's the way she doesn't know how to interpret Jade's presence, like she doesn't believe she's really here, but then at the same time wishes she wasn't. It's almost as if she doesn't know who to be, and is trying to gather little snippets of information on what Jade already knows about her so far as if she doesn't remember ever being personal with the girl.

But having analysed the situation, it confuses him on how their relationship worked if Jade was mothering her in some respects, and it's that he can't get over. How, from what Cat has already told him a few times before, Jade was mean but also, very, very caring, _('But in secret though!')_ She was Cat's everything, and 'I know you won't believe me, but it was. It was like _that.' _

She had told him what it had been like to love Jade at that time, and how it made her heart twist and flutter under her chest, and how every night when she went home she had to soothe it with deeper breathing until she felt her pulse decline. She had described it in a broken way, how she loved, not in much detail but enough to pick up the pieces. Jade made her heal, and -though Cat doubts herself now- maybe she helped Jade too.

She had told him about Jade's dad, and why they couldn't be _together _in front of their friends. Jade wasn't ashamed, no that wasn't it. She was just terrified and scared of her father's confrontation. She didn't want to be even more rejected by him, but she loved Cat the way the way old classic romance novels described. Like those stories, fairytales. But it wasn't quite that fictional. They had their problems, big ones too, but what kept them together was because they'd fall apart if they wasn't, a theory they both had proved correct in their own way.

Dr. Sean wants, no, _needs _ to know, because he doesn't think he'll be able to help as much as he'd like to if he doesn't. He needs to know how they clicked and how things between them may have been triggering. Nobody knows for certain, but Jade and Cat's therapist have -for Jade, jumped, but for Sean, merely speculated, - how their relationship may have set something off in Cat mentally in which may have caused her to go to such measures to change her self-image. Nobody just decides to stop eating one day. There's always a build-up, and that's what Sean is trying to establish with Cat.

He scans over his notes, adding a few extra details to his and Stevens', before asking the last few simple questions about Jade, to Jade.

"So," he starts. "What made you want to audition for Hollywood Arts?"

He asks like an intrigued friend, who's just found out about an event you happened to be in and what's to know every detail for themselves.

Jade contemplates answering for a few moments, trying to work out what the point of these questions are. "I guess just my passion for performing," she says finally, going with it.

"Your school, Hollywood Arts, has a selection of different classes-" He pauses for a brief moment as he looks at a HA brochure, debriefing the subjects and classes available. "It says here that yoga in an actual graded class?" He frowns momentarily distracted, quickly double-checking his reading. "Is that so,"

He speaks directly to the folded paper as if he's in deep intellectual conversation, seeming completely indulged in some of the weirder, or more different subjects HA provides. Jade looks over to Cat confused, and their eyes meet for the briefest of moments, before Cat's dimple makes an appearance as she quietly giggles at this strange fascination.

Jade faces Sean again who's eventually snaps out of it and starts apologising for his spacing, but all Jade can think about is how that's the first time she's seen Cat's dimple since she broke up with Beck, and she can't help the smile forming on her own face or how happy it makes her, to see even a glimpse of old Cat.

* * *

Dr. Sean wraps up the session with a brief introduction into what they'll be talking about in next week's session, the topics starting off light and then progressing into ones in which need actual answers as opposed to a shrug of the shoulders or a muttered 'I don't know.' Jade nods at his words, not really focusing on the content of what he's saying because she's trying to figure out how she's supposed to say goodbye to Cat.

Sean says something about going to file Cat's documents away, telling them he'll be just a moment because he also needs Jade to sign something. He scutters out of the room which leaves her and Cat alone, which isn't exactly ideal when neither of them know how to react. Jade looks over to Cat who she finds is already looking at her, so Jade gives Cat a small smile, the kind which makes her cheeks shape her face like a baby, because she knows that's Cat's favourite smile because it makes her look (_disgustingly) '_adorable'.

Jade personally hates this smile, because it makes her look like a 2nd grader and there really is no need.

Cat's dimple makes a second return as she struggles to restrain a smile, knowing Jade's just being silly when she purposely crosses her eyes and makes an uncharacteristically stupid face, which only makes it more defined and pronounced. She drops her head to her lap when smiling becomes inevitable, relieving Jade's tension and making her a bit more relaxed. Cat sticks her tongue out at Jade's wacky expression, which only then makes them both laugh.

When the laughter stops and gets quiet again, Cat drops her eyes to her lap in contemplation while Jade just watches her.

Jade doesn't know what she feels at the moment, and working it out means thinking and why would she do that when she'd much rather stare at Cat? She hasn't seen her in weeks, and so much has changed since then. Cat's face is fuller now, and her jaw line has softened slightly so Jade's no longer worried about the threat of cutting her finger on its once sharp edge. Her skin looks better also, but without a doubt lacking its usual glow.

But Jade is so, so relieved that she's putting on weight.

Cat starts to fidget as she notices Jade's eyes scan over her tube, but Jade doesn't seem to hover on it for too long, and meets Cat's eyes with a reassuring smile on her face. Cat breaks the gaze and parts her lips with a question.

"Did you... Did you mean it?" She whispers to her lap, her head down making it impossible for Jade to meet her eyes again. "...When you said you love me?"

_Oh so that's what this is about._

Jade opens her mouth to give Cat her answer, while the red-head waits almost desperately, trying to keep from screaming at Jade to just _tell her _because her patience isn't at its top form.

"I-"

Dr. Sean walks into the room abruptly with stops Jade dead in her tracks, making Cat uneasy for 2 reasons. One, she feels like she's just committed a crime or something by the way they both tensed when he re-entered the room to his word, and two, because she still hasn't got her answer, already regretting even asking.

"Here you go," He says, handing Jade the forms she needs to fill out.

She takes another look at Cat to find she's forcing her eyes to the floor again, so Jade sighs as she takes the documents and the black ball-point pen he hands her. She puts two and two together as she realises the sticky noted strips stuck onto different parts of the several documents are the places she's supposed to sign, as Dr. Sean moves back behind his desk and starts going through his drawers.

Cat stops fidgeting as the thick tension starts to engulf the room again, growing impassive as she starts to shut herself off. She can feel the foreshadowing of what she calls 'darkness' coming back, because it's this shitty feeling that she's got now that always serves as a warning. She's not too sure if she should be worried or not, because the last few times she'd been in that deeper side of depression was always triggered by a loss of something.

The first time she remembers seeing black was when she was 9. No, she knows she wasn't depressed but that's just the first time she really felt like she didn't want to be here. It's silly for a nine year old to feel that way, like they'd rather not exist, but it's unclear to her why it was she felt that extremely about what her parents had done.

Cat had been upset. Upset because her mother decided her brother, (13 at the time) would be better off living in care for a while until she got to grips with her bearings. See, her mother was the patient one. After her brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia things started to get difficult, which put pressure on her mother especially. The night he was actually diagnosed, Cat's father had gotten angry and left the hospital, returning two days later drunk and disorderly, deciding he needed to give a piece of his mind.

He had broken in initially, not being able to find his keys in his back pocket, using a large plant pot to smash the living room window. It had woken Cat's mother in a second, using her adrenaline fuelled system to give her the energy to grab the nearest decently heavy item in the room she shared with her husband, then throwing on her dressing gown and almost bolting down the stairs.

She had been expecting a burglar, a murderer, anything completely sadistic, not taking a second to think that the intruder was actually her husband. She'd crept up close behind the man stumbling around the living room, before getting close enough to lunge at the person with a pole she'd gotten from the curtain rail from the small window. He'd hissed at the blow he'd received at the back of his head, triggering his anger furthermore.

He'd yelled and physically took hold of the women, the alcohol running through his system failing his better judgement. He'd shook her violently, speaking at a volume so loud the neighbours had eventually woken and called the police, who'd arrived 20 minutes after Cat had crawled from her bed in a sleep daze, and perched at the top of the stairs where she could see her father threatening her mother.

She hadn't known what had happened, but she was happy because she hadn't seen her father in forever so she'd all but skipped down the stairs with the biggest smile on her face. Her mother, aware of her presence, told her to go back upstairs and check her brother, but the mention of his son had only made matters worse. Her dad was disappointed, no, _disgusted _that his wife's genes had 'cursed' his little future football star into nothing more than a psycho, which only made him hostile and hot-headed.

Cat didn't understand though, her brother was fine. Why was her daddy so mad? She couldn't keep up with his sentences, because her mind was too unfocused to string all of his words together. Her father had muttered something about him failing 'the tests', and a confused Cat just didn't quite understand.

'_Did he fail a math test?' _She had asked her father with her head tilted to the side. She had gone ignored by her father as he pushed her out of the way after her mother had told her just to go back to bed. But Cat just wanted to see her daddy.

Just before the police had arrived her father took notice of his 9 year daughter standing at his feet. He had looked at her in pity at first, before he started to anger himself even more at the chances Cat was to be diagnosed too.

"_You're gon' be just like him." _He had said, as his hands formed fists. _"Hell, you're already fuck'd up." _

He had moved towards her as she started backing up, realising something was wrong because her daddy wasn't being nice to her anymore. She had hit her back off the banisters before he stopped advancing, mere inches away from her.

_"You're stupid, you're immature. You're always running around the house talking to things that don't exist. I can already see it." _Cat couldn't hear what her mother was telling her father, or more shouting, because she seemed too far away all of a sudden because he was just too close.

He was looming over Cat who was cowering underneath, crying at his harsh words which he didn't seem to care about.

_"You're a psychopath. Just like your brother."_

It was her first memory of her father developing a resentment towards her, and progressively since he has disassociated himself with Cat and her brother all together. He works abroad more often than not, and though her mother doesn't share the same resentment as her father, growing up in a family with parental schizophrenia sufferers meant she can't help but stigmatise Cat and her brother, even though she hasn't been diagnosed.

It's one of Cat's worst memories, along with when her mother had her tested almost 12 times for several different disorders when she turned 10. Cat had no diagnosis of a mental illness until she was emitted here, which her parents don't even know about. They still believe Cat has some mental deformation, their own suspicions clustered of several types of autism, ADHD, ADD, a Split personality, and schizophrenia also. Since her brothers diagnosis, they've been almost sure Cat will develop it too, due to her strange behaviour and her naive descriptions of her 'bad thoughts'.

In truth, binge/purge type anorexia aside, Cat is an average teenage girl. She shows no signs of mental disfigurement, her 'bad thoughts' simply being a side effect of her deprived childhood and lack of nurture growing up. She's a damaged kid, sure, and it's her parents who're to blame, having caused a mental disorder in Cat in which they were afraid she'd develop in the first place.

Cat had been 12 when her brother had turned 16, leaving him technically the guardian of the house while her father's frequent work vacations started to grow longer. It had been 4 days most at tops, before it became 5 then 6, and then whole weeks without warning. It was when her mother started joining her father out of living in a stressful household that Cat had crashed the first time, getting her first taste of depression as she was left alone in a house with darkening thoughts, and a drug-happy brother flying around the house.

It was that school year that she had first started Hollywood Arts, paying for the funding on the credit cards her father had provided. Things had only gotten worse as time went on, because her parents would stay away for months and her house was just so lonely, especially when her mother took it upon herself to have her brother emitted when she'd received a distressed phone call from Cat.

Cat had simply asked her to come home, that she couldn't take it anymore, but her mother took that as her wanting her brother put away so that's exactly what she did, even proceeding with the decision after a frantic Cat had called her sobbing something along the lines of _'no, please. Don't make him go too.'_

And that's exactly how Cat is starting to feel now. Alone, empty, and just worn out. It's not the question that's brought it on, it's sort of everything. From being in treatment and completely cut off, not being trusted but expected to trust others, and just the general feeling worthless. Plus, she'd eaten already today, and after Jade goes home it'll be time for snacks and she just can't deal with all that pressure again.

Jade snaps her fingers in front of Cat a few times to get her attention, having failed twice by calling her name from her seat a few minutes ago. Cat blinks rapidly and stares up at Jade, whose crouched in front of her with calm eyes, a mixture of darker green and blue.

Cat seems to mirror Jade's calmness, and stares into her eyes getting lost in the colour and the thoughts of remembering when they were this particular shade last. She decides maybe last September, never having been this close up to Jade on many occasions because she was still tied to Beck, because she was his and it wasn't her place to notices these things, (even though she still did).

Cat quickly looks around to see that Dr. Sean had left the room, probably waiting outside for the two so he can have Jade escorted out, and Cat escorted in.

"Are you okay?" Jade asks mellowly. Cat bites her lip and nods, not really having noticed that she'd spaced out for so long. Jade still looks at her worried, daringly moving the thumb up to her left cheek and swiping away the collected water under her eye.

"I think you're doing real great, you know." She says with a smile, taking a quick glance at the tube before looking Cat in the eye.

Cat sucks in harsher through her nose, biting her lip harder bordering bloodshed.

"I meant it Cat," Jade says randomly. "I really do love you."

The red-head's teeth pierce the skin of her lip, splitting a pathway for blood to travel from. She hisses as the air stings her flesh, as Jade's eyes dart to Cat's mouth before she uses her sleeve to apply pressure to the sensitive cut.

"Hey, don't do that." Jade says referring to Cat's lip-biting, dabbing the stinging cut with her sleeve as Cat's eyes water. Cat watches Jade while she continues to stain her sleeve with blood, using the closeness to take in the Goth's smooth porcelain skin and fierce features. She holds back a smile at Jade's slight pout as the girl concentrates on stopping her blood flow, finding it amusing especially since the girl often complain about girl's taking pictures of themselves with similar stupid poses. She knows It's not intentionally, just it's amusing nevertheless.

When Jade just about get's done stopping Cat's lip from bleeding, she stands and gestures Cat to do the same.

"Probably shouldn't keep him waiting, I don't need more people here hating me." She says with a smug grin. "C'mon,"

Cat follows Jade out of the door without a word, finding Dr. Sean standing nearby with his pager in his hand.

"Ah, girls. I'm just paging one of the other doctors here to come and escort you out, Jade. She shouldn't be too long." He walks into the wide-windowed office next to them, still able to make eye contact if need be.

Cat doesn't know what to say to Jade, knowing she's leaving any minute now and won't be back for another few days.

"I spoke to Stevens' today," Jade says, breaking the awkward air. "Turns out, you don't need to be transferred after all." Jade's not smiling but Cat can tell by her eyes that she wants to, but she's completely confused by Jade's claim because nobody had spoken to her yet about what's going on with that. "You get to stay here."

Cat opens her mouth to say something to Jade, but once again they're interrupted by one of the workers here who has apparently arrived to escort Jade out.

Cat looks to her feet, sticking her bottom lip out slightly because she wanted more time with Jade.

"Hey," Cat looks back up at Jade who envelops her in a hug, which Cat takes no time to respond to by clinging onto her waist, and squeezing her as tight as she can. Jade's almost 100% sure Cat's about to cry again. "I'll visit as soon as I can."

Cat reluctantly releases Jade from her bear grip, due to an impatient employee lurking in the background. Tears start to spill from Cat's eyes, feeling like she's lost what she's only just gotten back again, when she feels warm lips on her cheek and Jade hug her again, before Dr. Sean comes back out from the office, telling Cat it's time for morning snacks. Jade says a quick bye to Cat again, before finally leaving at troubled Cat behind, with a guilty conscience and a newly adopted bad mood.

"God, so much for hospitality."

* * *

A/N: This chapter is obviously a lot longer -yay me- because I feel bad because those who enjoy this story have to put up with bad updating and a lazy uploader.

I'd say it's not my fault that I find it impossible to concentrate or that I haven't got the hang of this yet because it is my first story, but in truth it kind of is.

But anyway, hope you enjoyed, and please review for my efforts and have a good week! :)

hm, I should've probably reviewed/re-read this before I uploaded but let's just hope for the best.


	22. Relishing

No one Understands.

Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious, not that it matter anymore.

A/N: This chapter is literally one big giant metaphor about Victorious ending, just contextualised into the storyline so it makes sense. There's even hints about the specifics ***cough*** cancellation ***cough*** Dan's laziness ***coughcough***

Damn, I should really sort out this cold. ;)

* * *

Everything's cold. Her hands, her lips, her chest. All of it. Jade went back to school and Cat went back to the dining hall. Jade's gone, she's really _gone, _almost as if she was never here in the first place. Why wouldn't they let her stay for longer? Why couldn't Cat just hug her a little while more? Now she has nothing to look forward to, because in Cat's mind this is it. The end. Everything is indefinite. For all she knows, Jade might never visit her here again. Maybe, just maybe, Jade won't visit her at all.

It's a stupid thing to think, she knows. She knows but that doesn't mean she'll stop thinking it. If it were up to her, Jade would be here all the time, like a constant feed of support and hope. But it's not Cat's choice and it's up to the big bosses. The ones who say no but never really justify why. _It's better this way. It's for the best._ But why is it? What is it that made you make such a drastic decision? That there shall be no more visits than once a week?

She knows somewhere that maybe being told no is a good thing. That may be slowing down the visits until eventually they'll stop is perhaps okay. She thinks, that maybe if Jade were to visit whenever Cat felt like it, then her recovery wouldn't go as well as she'd like. It could be tarnished ruined, like some of Cat's favourite shows where the writer decides just not to try anymore. But Cat doesn't want that. She wants to try, to get better for Jade. It's her goal, perhaps. Her target which she has ways about fulfilling. You could say, suppose Jade's restricted limits could help her reach them faster, encouraged by her need to see the girl into performing.

Because it is, it is a need. It's something Cat feels like she can't go without. It's strange, really. Because not 3 years ago she could see herself doing other things. Casual things, oblivious that something as good, something as pure and exciting as Jade even existed. But now she knows. Had she not stumbled across the girl as awkwardly as she did, she'd still be doing those normal, casual things. Though the fact of the matter is she does know Jade, too well to the point where she can't imagine continuing her life without her. It's crazy really, how one piece of information or _thing _can change your life around so drastically, that you can't imagine where you'd be if you'd never found out about it.

Like you're favourite show, per say. It's mesmerising, the thought that if you'd never began following it, never seen that advertisement or had that friend bugging you to watch it, where you'd be now. What would you be doing instead of watching the new airing episode? What kind of person would you be if you wasn't touched by the characters, the emotions, the life lessons? If you had never seen that first episode... how would your life be different?

For Cat, she wonders about all these things. What would she doing if she never met Jade, how screwed up would she be still hung up about her parents. It's completely manic, because the truth is she doesn't know where she'd be, _or _what she'd be doing, because everything else seems inadequate now she's met Jade, because she just can't. She can't understand where she'd be, _who _she'd be, but I guess that's just not important, because she just doesn't need to.

She knows in the present, she knows what life is like with that element in it, whether that being the show you wait up until 2am to watch through a live stream because you just can't wait for it to air in your country, or the next time you get to hang out with a friend. But right now, in this moment... Cat feels like that's come to an end for her. That _Jade's _come to an end for her, snatched away under the belt of stupid strict policies, by men in smart suits with iron faces, just because they've decided they'd be better off.

Again though, that's stupid. Sure, they run the place, it's down to them what they decide because they pay for the facilities. But if people didn't pay for their stay, _they _wouldn't have a business and nothing to buy those precious suits with, so why the hell doesn't anyone else get a say? Cat is _paying _for this treatment, and yes, she's getting something out of it, but shouldn't she have a right or at least a pitch in the way things are run? Surely you can't just go around cutting privileges off for no good reason, claiming that they have other things planned and that she's in for a real treat if she's just patient enough. Cat doesn't want no special _new _treat, she just wants to see Jade, finding it terribly difficult to understand why such things are done to the system if there's nothing wrong with it in the first place.

What're they trying to fix? They're making their money, and a lot of it too, so why would they put themselves in a position where people will want to start leaving? It's like trying to fix a car that isn't broken: messy and unnecessary.

Keeping on a level head isn't easy, especially when something you love is being tarnished because of it. But Cat is trying her best. Thinking of the positives is challenging, especially when there's so much to gain on both parties if Cat didn't have a visitors restriction, and the only thing she can really come up with now are spiteful comments and hopes that the system fails.

Of course Cat knows she being unreasonable, and especially dramatic. It's not even like the whole system has changed, because it hasn't. A simple minor tweak is all, cutting the number of visiting sessions down to just two a week. But something so small can be big to someone else. To Cat, the change is everything. It means so much. It's almost as if she has to left go, let go of something she felt like she didn't have for long because the time went by so quickly, so unnoticed, as if three years had gone by in what feels like just a few weeks.

Like a highly anticipated new season of a show you've had to wait half a year for to be filmed, all released in a span of a month and it's gone before you can really appreciate it when it was yours. When you got to bask in its glory, gripping the edge of the seat in your living room as your favourite character goes through an unexpected ordeal. It's that same vicious cycle, waiting through filming and then plummeting from your high when that season comes to an end, and you do this so many times until before you know it, this is the last one. And it happens again. Months to film, days to watch. And when you're on that last episode, not really focussing yet trying to take everything in at once, because _this is it._ The end. Your only ever episode left.

You re-watch that episode as many times as you can while still sane, unable to wrap your head around not ever getting a new episode again. Because it's _ended, _because there's _nothing else left. _You struggle to go about your normal routine without something cropping up that reminds you of it. And most times, most times you even forget. You get it in your head that they'll be another episode this week, and maybe this will happen and _oh my god i'm so excited sdfghj;!11! _

But there's not. There never will be. Because the show has ended and it's never going to return for a new season.

So you just mope around unsatisfied because no matter how damn hard you try you just can't find closure.

It's her situation right now -Cat's. She'll wait for Jade to return to the centre this week, maybe next too, but Jade won't come because she's not allowed. But Cat will forget and she'll get excited anyway. She'll be looking forward to her next session or her next visit but it just won't come.

She'll have to think of something else to occupy her time with.

It could be why she's so distracted now, not caring much over the fact that she's being taken to an examination room to be tube-feed because she didn't eat her snacks. She'll mind, later on, but for right now she can't think of anything worse than not seeing Jade for another week or two, even food.

She doesn't really say much to her nurses when they ask her why she's in here again, why this is this a precaution when her tubes supposed to be taken out soon, because she really doesn't know. She likes the tube, in a way, but seeing Jade today has made her at least a little determined to get it taken out.

She wants Jade to be proud of her for doing well, and the way she looked at the tube today made her feel like a cheat, a fraud even. Jade had congratulated her, told her she was doing great. Jade was so proud, so happy too. However Cat can't seem to get the idea of out her head that though Jade doesn't know it, she's really more proud of the tube than she is of her, so she wants rid of it. It's silly but it's her biggest competition at the moment, because in her head, that's where Jade's pride is going to.

Just because she wants rid of the tube doesn't mean she's fine with her weight gain, though. No way is she. Accepting the fact that weight gain is evitable though she's becoming fine with. It's not avoidable, it's always going to happen, so she's just trying to be okay with how her body has already changed and how different it will be by the time she's out of treatment. So when the nurses ask her again why it was she couldn't pick her fork again today, she shrugs and tells them she doesn't know. That she wanted to try, for Jade, but something in her mind told her that today isn't the day she'll finish a meal just yet and she might need to be supported by the tube for a little while longer.

The tape is removed from Cat's cheek to free the tube's slack. Cat's too deep in her deteriorating mood to bother to give the two nurses her puppy dog eyes and pleas, and just simply seats herself up on the examination table, waiting to get it over and done with. The second nurse grabs a syringe and a nutrition bag, while the other checks Cat's vitals to make sure she's functioning properly and that her health is in check before they start. Once the nurse has inserted the required amount of nutrients in the syringe, she passes it to the nurse just in front of Cat as she attaches to the tube, and injects it slowly into Cat's system.

The most common symptom Cat's experiences from this is dizziness, and sometimes even nosebleeds due to the pressure. As of now, Cat feels extremely lightheaded and a little dopey, like she's on high anaesthetics. She compares it often to living again caught up in her exaggerated mind, where everything flies and pukes rainbows. The stereotypical supposed world of Cat Valentine, the disgustingly ditzy -yet loveable- red-head whom Cat herself had created, a mere character.

If there's one thing Cat has discovered, it's that life is like a play.

A play because everyone puts on their masks and pretends to be someone else. Only pain brings out the real us, the real emotions that we feel and the ones we _want _to feel. But in the end, you just have to embrace this pain and exasperate it, because if you don't there's nothing else left. If you're not playing this character, this false identity you've created, then what are you supposed to do? How are you supposed to act, since you've been playing this persona for so long that you can't remember who you were before. Correction, you just don't _know _who you are, there's no 'anymore' about it. You never knew in the first place, it's why you had to create such a second identity.

It's really why she's always had an extra resentment towards these feedings. They induce memories she'd rather not be reminded of. Ones which only highlight the fact that most of which weren't real, just her thoughts on a vigorous overdrive in which has only seemed to cause her more harm than good. They give her grief, making her exceptionally vulnerable to abuse, and according to her therapist should be medicated to help smooth and calm them down.

He says she may be experiencing something called a 'manic episode', which is tied into Bipolar disorder. He's said that it's nothing untreatable, but it all doesn't make sense to her because her mother had her tested 100 times over when she was 10.

_"Bipolar disorder can go unseen and around 17% who have the condition has had it overlooked. It's tricky to diagnose confidently, you see. There are far too many factors involved. I'm not saying you're bipolar in anyway Cat, because really, I can't make that assumption. But what you're describing to me does tick several of the boxes, specifically with your changes in thought patterns."_

She simply did not want to believe it. She can't be bipolar, no way. She was tested for it over **_nine _**times!

_"Consider this. Manic episodes can have symptoms of just one of these things:_

_Unusual distractibility_

_Enhanced creative thinking and/or behaviours_

_Flight of ideas_

_Disorientation_

_Disjointed thinking_

_Racing thoughts_

_Increased focus on religion or religious activities_

_Anything sound relatable?"_

No, she had told him. Another lie. She is **NOT **Bipolar. She just isn't. No.

It's been a week since that session, and since she rarely ever brings up the way she thinks ever in conversation. She doesn't want another possible thing pulling her down, because if she's gonna recover, she wants it to be without drugs and medication. To the average person, that's stupid. If she has a possible condition, she should get it checked out, and if necessary, treated. But that's not how Cat sees it.

To Cat, needing medication makes her even more damaged. It means having to deal with yet another stigma of all the labels she's already been given. _Gay, anorexic, bulimic, psychotic, bipolar._ They all scream different things, and it doesn't matter if a person claims not to judge because in actual fact everyone can't help but do. She'll be treated differently by every person she meets once they find out, so if she can help it, adding to the already lengthy list of all the things 'wrong' with her just isn't something she wants to do.

After the nurses wash the tube through with 3 syringes of water, they set Cat on her way back to her ward. She does so absently, ignoring Charlie's calls as she strops into her own room to find the comfort of her cold bed. She hates being cold, but in this place it's all she seems to be. If it's not her physical temperature, it's that horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach that makes her feel down and gloomy. She always tries not to dwell on it, but she makes herself excuses for today and allows herself to just relish in it.

* * *

She stays laying face down on her bed for what seems like too long, vaguely coherent enough to notice movement in her room from some of the nurses doing their checks. She still doesn't have a roommate, and her living space is still very basic, but she doesn't mind. Having a roommate means interacting with more people, and she reckons she talks to enough people here as it is, her doctors during therapy, and all. She just doesn't like to be bothered.

"Cat?" The red-head doesn't move when someone opens the door and peaks inside after two solemn knocks, preferring not to show her puffy, red tear-stained face. "You have visitor waiting. Would you like to see them?"

Cat turns from face-down to completely upright and cross-legged so quickly that the nurse, (caught off guard) gets a little frightened, her instincts misleading her into Cat was moving to strike her under false pretences.

"Visitor?" Cat says, perking up at the thought of Jade sitting in the waiting room.

"Yes, a visitor."

Cat leaves her room with the nurse pretty sharp-ish, wiping furiously under her red eyes not wanting Jade to be alarmed by her previous crying state. She wonders why Jade's even back here today, especially after being told that Jade was only allowed to visit one a once every 2 weeks after lunch, but she's glad, nevertheless.

She holds back the urge to skip into the visiting hall, because that's what she really feels would be appropriate. She doesn't however, because she'll too much attract attention and she'd much rather only hold Jade's. Her smile though, is pretty hard to mask, so she walks in with her nurse, scanning the room in anticipation. Her smile drops.

what

the

_fuck?_

"Hi, Cat." She says in a nervous, uneasy voice.

_"T-Tori?"_

* * *

A/N: Tori, you bugger, you.

Victorious has ended. NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DEDICATE MY TIME REBLOGGING ON TUMBLR TO?

I could cry, I'm going to miss this show so much . Especially Jade, since Cat has her own spin-off. And about that, why is everyone already so hateful on it? Give it a chance before you slam it just because every else is. I mean, it's kind of stupid to hate a show which has even aired it's pilot yet.

**If you all review**/comment on your likes/dislikes/what you'd like to see from this story, _then_ **I'll update quicker.**


	23. Intoxication

No one Understands

Disclaimer: I'm not even going to comment on the recent controversy with why Victorious ended, but no, I do not own the show.

***I have not proof-read this so don't hurt me***

* * *

**_It sounds like this is nothing new_**

**_And that it hasn't been for a while_**

**_You wake up on the other side_**

**_And you strain to force a smile_**

**_The fairy tale inside your head_**

**_Has become your new best friend_**

**_But I can show you that I'll be there_**

**_Before the story ends_**

It's stupid, so stupid that she can't come up with a plausible reason as to why this is acceptable, but she's going to do it anyway. It's supposed to make her feel better, apparently. She hopes. Doing something so common in times like these has never felt more pathetic, as Jade unlocks her father's spirits cabinet and takes out the biggest bottle of alcohol she can see.

It's a large cupboard, backing against the wall with a depth of about a metre, double in width. She takes her time looking, because if she's going to get wasted to the point of alcohol poisoning, she's going to do it right. So much choice, so sickening. She's never really been in her father's alcohol cabinet before, only twice just before and after she stopped talking to Cat, so she's only just noticing how the different wines, beers and spirits are put into sections.

Not bothering locking the unit back up since she's always home alone anyway, Jade drags two very large bottles back up to her room at her side. She doesn't know why she's doing this, not even a little bit, but she's experienced that it can help her forget and right now that seems logical. To forget for a little while.

She throws the bottles on her bed after locking the door, moving over to her bedside table to put her phone on charge afterwards. She feels awkward as she sits on her bed for a few moments, not knowing really how it is you're supposed to start drinking when you're on your own. She didn't bring up a glass or a cup, nor nothing to dilute the skyy vodka or Jack Daniels with, cringing as she unscrews the cap and places the glass top to her lips.

Burning, as her throat gasping for any sort of relief as the insufferable liquid gushes down its walls after swallowing several mouthfuls of the acid. Her eyes screw shut and her hands twist in her bed sheets as she tries not to wail out in pain, the sensation moving through her chest near-unbearable. When her eyes re-open after what felt like minutes, it falls to the discarded bottle of Jack's in her lap, the top still unscrewed.

She hopes drowning her blood in alcohol will make it easier to think about Cat, without that throbbing in her chest and her brain telling her it's her fault. That she's the reason Cat had to be hospitalised. It's not like she doesn't know that already, because she does, but she doesn't need constant reminding.

She knows she's the one who messed Cat up so much, with her stupid denial and with letting her proud father manipulate her. How could she not know? Jade had known Cat was fragile but she broke her anyway, as she held a blade to her heart and watched it pierce under the pressure of her blood-stained fingers. She knew, she did. But she still chose Beck, encouraging Cat's virulent thoughts.

Making Cat suffer under selfish conditions.

The bottle in her laps stares up at her, knowingly, as if it knows all her secrets. She thinks, maybe, that if she were to drink it all at once or as fast as she could, the pain wouldn't be so consistent, and getting to the delirious stage would be a hell of a lot quicker. Jade carries both bottles up to the light - the tinted glass of skyy's making it difficult to see how much alcohol still remains within it - as a measure of how much she'd have to drink of that one at once, hopefully without throwing up or gagging.

She's never had skyy vodka before, but it looks decent enough. Unscrewing the cap and taking a sip, she discovers it's not totally awful, and unlike the Jack's, it doesn't want to make her throw up. She's uncomfortable as it is, so makes a careful judgment of which of the two bottles of alcohol would be more subtly consumed. Jack's - full bottle, 28 units, disgusting. Skyy's - larger bottle, 22 units, bearable taste, burns like hell.

Jack's it is.

She raises the bottle to her lips once more, taking quick swigs and swallowing the spirits as fast as she can and all at once, and after about 5 minutes of this consistent behaviour her lips start to numb and her throat's screams of mercy start to die down. Her chest feels like it's ready to explode, and her stomach is bloating, but she still has over three quarters of the bottle yet and her concerns aren't related to illnesses she can get from this, because she just doesn't care.

* * *

Tori spoke with Cat for about an hour before she having to leave so Cat could have her last meal of the day, nearing 8pm. While leaving the centre, she attempts calling Jade, but it goes straight to voicemail as the bitterly cold weather bites at Tori's cheeks.

The Latina is still partially stunned by her bold move in showing up to the centre in the first place, still unsure on why she chose to do something so radical. Sure, she wanted- no, _needed _to see Cat, but turning up like that was surely unacceptable.

Her biggest fear now though is telling Jade. She knows that she'll be mad, and she wouldn't be surprised if Jade lunged at her, but she hopes Jade'll understand why it was she had to take such a risk even if Tori herself doesn't. She just needed closure or... something.

She dials Jade's number for a second time as she moves to her car, the brightness of her phone blinding her in the darkness. She knows Jade's home, making sure she was_ before _making her way to Woodleaf in case Jade was already here, so why Jade isn't answering is weird and to be honest, a little annoying.

The climbs into her car after scrambling for the keys in her bag, starting it up cautiously since she's just recently passed and is still a little uneasy on the road. She tries calling once more and is again unsuccessful, throwing her phone back into her bag before backing out of the parking lot and heading home.

* * *

Her brain is swimming, or more so drowning, her breaths breaking loose from her throat after spending the last half hour trying to finish off the rest of the bottle. She's hasn't been breathing much since her mouth had been glued to the glass bottle, so her heart is a little speedy, and her usually pale cheeks are a heated red. Jade hadn't eaten much today so her stomach is aggressively scolding her for her bad choices, but she of course ignores its upsets calls and has continued drinking since, up until her vision started blurring and her brain started flying.

She hasn't tried to stand yet, feeling uneasy as it is laying down on her bed with her bottles beside her, never really knowing you could get drunk so quick and swiftly as she has. She's probably a nice drunk, she thinks, since everyone becomes their opposites. But as time goes on she starts to realise that no, maybe she's the sad drunk. The friend who wallows in self-pity as their bottled emotions spill from their bodies. Isn't that why she's even doing this? To be sad with explanation?

'_I was just drunk'._

She's glad she chose to do this alone though, not that she had anyone she'd want to do this with anyway. She doesn't want anyone with her _encase _she gets herself in such a state. Plus, she doesn't want anyone here to save her. She's not looking for comfort or compassion.

She figures that's the type of drunk Vega is. The caring friend who makes sure everyone is feeling okay before going off and doing her own thing. She scoffs at the ideas her brain offers her of what those things might be, things which are dirty and tramp-ish, and for some reason she hopes Tori isn't that type of girl. She hopes maybe Tori is the drunk to just let loose but still stay in control, the type to have fun and just dance and appreciate a good time without selling herself off as some cheap lay with a load of horny guys, like her sister.

She doesn't know why she wants that, she just does. Maybe because inside she wishes she could be that type of person and not be the one to have that growing feeling of regret and despair creeping up on her from afar like she senses now.

She was supposed to forget.

She was supposed to forget but she hasn't.

* * *

"Jade? Where are you I REALLY need to talk to you!" Tori whisper-yells into her phone as she leaves Jade another voicemail. She needs to talk to Jade about Cat possibly returning to school, but the girl won't answer her phone and It's stressing Tori out. "It's about Cat's treatment program and I'd feel a lot better if I could tell you tonight."

She hangs up after muttering a 'Call me back!', doubting Jade will actually get the call. She feels awful that Cat had timidly told her about what her doctors said and that she might be able to come back for Sikowitz's lessons next week before she had told Jade, but she can't change that and maybe she'd feel better if she told Jade ASAP, but the damn girl hasn't picked up her phone for 45 minutes.

Her anxiety makes it impossible for her not to pace her bedroom, as she scrambles over all the reasons that Jade could have to not pick up both the house and her mobile phone when she's clearly at home.

Could have charger have broken? No, that wouldn't explain her not picking up the landline.

Is she asleep? No, too early for Jade to sleep.

Is she... Is she(?!)

Tori starts to panic as those cynical thoughts start to creep into her head. Maybe Jade has hurt herself and can't reach the phone, maybe she's done something stupid or has had an accident. Her desperation leads to Tori calling 6 more times before she can't take not knowing, storming back out of her house ignoring Trina's ramblings about foot bleaching and starts driving to Jade's the second her feet is on the pedal.

* * *

The feeling of hopelessness, that you're not worth anything because of the pain you've cause those around you. Those short sharp inhales of breath you can't prevent, the needle-like stabs to your chest which feel at lot worse than they sound. It's torture, everyone knows. She was supposed to be numb, emotionless and care-free, but she's not.

Overridden by alcohol Jade can't find the energy to move her body, immobilised on her bed. It's hurts, it all hurts and she can't do anything about it. This was her solution, she had foolishly thought. She wasn't supposed to remember everything this clearly. The pain in her friends eyes as she degrades them, the look on her father's face when he called her a 'dyke' for the first time.

It's everything. Everything and nothing because that's all she once was but now only what she has left. Nothing. Nothing but remorse and pain and hurt and she can't do anything about it because she has no control. Life's a bitch, but Jade is too. They clash. Bad things happened to good people, people like Cat, while Good things happen to those who don't deserve it, Jade thinks.

She doesn't know if this is just her clattered drugged brain spurring up these ideas but it seems to be true. Cat's a good person, a nice person. So is Tori, theoretically. But all they get is shit. Both of them. It's why Jade chooses not to be nice. Is there a point in going out of your way for other people when all they'll do is fuck you over? If you're nice, you get crap back. If you're not, you still get crap. Jade is just happier alone because either way someone is going to screw her over eventually, the only power she has is to delay it.

She's unapproachable by choice, that way it will take longer for someone daring enough to wriggle under her skin before turning into a snake at striking at her. She'll always end up hurt, but she's resilient and tougher to break than everyone else because they _expect _people to be nice. They trust too much and aren't realistic enough. They'll get hurt more often, more painfully, while Jade stands back and whispers 'I told you so' to no one in particular.

It's easier Jade's way, but it's lonely.

She doesn't really know when she started crying, but her tears her choking her and she just-

She just can't.

She can't do this anymore.

It's not even all about Cat anymore. It's just everything.

She drags herself off her bed and falls to the floor in emotional and physical exhaustion. It's takes a second to realise what she wants, but when she does she doesn't waste much time because it's just something she needs to do.

She unsteadily sways into the bathroom and pulls open the door to the cupboard which holds her cosmetics. It takes another minute for her eyes to focus, but when she spots it she doesn't even hesitate and makes a grab for it.

I guess this has what it's come to.

* * *

"Jade! Open the door I can _see _your bedroom lights on! C'mon, I just need to speak to you!" Tori's been here for about 5 minutes, banging on the door and ringing the bell but Jade hasn't even bothered to acknowledge her.

It's been about 2 hours since she spoke to Cat and about two and half since Jade started drinking, therefore it being quite late and very, _very _cold.

"Jade, if you don't open the door I'm coming through the cat flap! Don't think I won't do it!" Tori's not really sure why Jade even has one, since she doesn't have any pets, but when Jade doesn't answer the door in the two minutes Tori decided to internally give her, she climbs through it awkwardly into a dark, cold household.

"Jade?" She starts to worry about potentially breaking and entering, not so sure that there's anyone even in this house anymore. Her heart starts to sped up, because surely she'd be able to _hear _Jade moving about or _something._

Tori climbs the stairs quietly, nervous and wide-eyed trying to navigate her way to Jade's room in the dark. She's only been inside twice before for school projects, when she had the misfortune to be partnered with Jade.

"Jade?" She asks uncertainly, knocking on the girl's door before attempting to turn the handle, only to find out the door is locked.

It clicks, fuelling Tori's panic again.

"JADE?!" Tori hysterically hits the door trying to get a response, praying to god and whoever else that Jade opens the door telling her she was just taking a nap or something. But there's nothing. Nothing but her own heartbeat in her ears.

* * *

Jade's sits slumped against the wall in her bathroom taunting herself like she often does in these situations. She's cursing and she's crying while stares at her pulled up sleeve and her healing cuts from weeks ago. Thin, pink strips.

Her writing hand is closed tightly in a fist with the blade inside, a part of herself telling her she shouldn't be doing this because it's unfair on Cat. But, she's still going to, she knows.

She's always going to.

She uncurls her fist and draws the blade up to her forearm, just beneath those other scars of hers. Those other nights like this. The alcohol makes it harder to control just how deep she's going to go, so she tries to be careful but not enough as she should be being.

It's stings at first, blood bubbling out of the sliced skin almost peacefully. She immediately feels better, but not better enough. She goes again, deeper this time, harder. And again

and again

and

again.

She doesn't stop, her judgement warped by Jack Daniels, her accompanied new friend.

She gets weaker within minutes, all of those units of alcohol catching up to her, her eyes drooping as she puts the blade down. Usually she's clean. Usually she wipes all evidence away and patched herself up. But not tonight. Too weak, too tired.

Too much.

Her bleeding arm rests in her lap in her struggle to battle passing out. At least she feels better now, she cynically thinks. She's calm, no longer crying, no longer grieving. She's peaceful in her slumber.

happy.

"_JADE!" _

_"I'm sorry."_

* * *

Jade wakes up around 6am the next day, her eyes straining and her head screaming. She doesn't know where she is, or why, just that's it bright and she hates this place.

"Get up." It's angry and hostile, a little intimidating to Jade too, which is strange. Especially now she's spotted where it came from.

"Tori?" Her voice is hoarse and dry, her hangover making it painfully obvious of how much she'd possibly drank last night, not that she remembers much. Her brain is still a little dizzy.

"_Get. Up."_

She tries to stand at Tori's authoritative tone, but as she moves her arms to help push herself off the bed she's in, the memory comes flooding back and she painfully hisses.

Personally, she doesn't know why Tori's so angry, maybe because she's still not fully recovered from all the alcohol she had consumed the night before, but that still doesn't explain why Tori grabs Jade's upper arms and drags her into her bathroom.

She feels sick, sick to the point where throwing up doesn't sound so bad, but she's still so confused and tired and she doesn't know what's she doing here. In Tori's _house._

She sits on the toilet lid with her head in her hands, trying her best to soothe the ache, while Tori viciously twists at the shower controls before turning back to Jade and practically throwing her in it, still fully clothed.

"Stay in there until you sober the hell up! Don't bother coming out unless you are." Jade stares completely dumbfounded by Tori's attitude, her brain still working circles around why she's so mad. It's weird, but she's always hated Tori being mad at her.

"There's clean clothes on the side for when you're done. Use my soap and conditioners if you want, Trina's are a bit.. whatever." Tori pauses for a moment with an expression which only can be described as anger and hate. "If you think for a second you're getting away with this, I swear to god Jade,"

She cuts herself off trying not to get her anger so out of control, knowing that what Jade had done took a lot out of her for starters, but also probably took desperate measures to even do in the first place. She sighs before making her way out of the bathroom.

"I'll be waiting out here for when you're cleaned up. God, how could you be so _stupid."_

Tori leaves a confused Jade behind, timid and awkward, the water sobering her up well. Last night, she could've made up a 100 reasons on why doing what she did was a good idea. Looking down at her arm now though, which has been bandaged and dressed without her knowing though, she can't think of a single reason for why she did it.

Not even one.

God, what an _idiot._

* * *

A/N: I've wanted to do this for like forever but I usually always forget. I'm going to be doing these shoutout/responses to reviews every 2 chapters or so, because I really do appreciate the time you take to post them. So without further ado (is that the word?), here goes:

**JessyRae: **Your reviews are what essentially makes me want to keep updating and not ditching this story for months at a time, so thank you for that. Your reviews are always flattering and I love your persistence. You're just awesome :)

**TyrionGreywind: **I love the fact that your reviews are usually you telling me to update with (sometimes) friendly insults :') They make me smile.

**Djuro: **I don't know if you're still reading this story but your review for Chapter 11 make me smile like an idiot for days. Honestly, I don't think I'm really deserving of such an amazing review but thank you anyway :)

**Jeremy Shane: **You seem like a cool dude, and in response to your latest review: Well, I guess we know now why Victorious really ended (Victoria Justice's solo tour), but let's not go into that. And yes, Ariana was lip-syncing in her music video, but in every single music video released in the world (with exceptions) the artist is lip-syncing. It's just how they produce the videos since there's no point singing live when the audio is going to be covered anyway. Ariana's just terrible at it, which I'd say is a good thing because then at least we know she'll always sing live.

**Marissasauruss: **(Did I spell that right?) I'm glad you're enjoying this story, it makes me really happy that I'm still sticking with this story. I'm also pretty impressed that you caught up in such a small time space too, so props for that :)

**P.S The song used at the top is 'Every Breath' covered by Boyce Avenue. It's almost perfect for this Fic, so I felt like I had to share it. :)**


	24. Confrontation

No one Understands

Disclaimer: Fun note: Me, my best friend and brother (19) decided it would be a good idea to play the Victorious Drinking game last night.**_ (Google/Tumblr it)_** I can assure you that had I owned Victorious, I'd rethink using any repetitive behaviours/continuality within characters because my head... IT HURTS.

* * *

**_So many nights trying to hide it_**

**_But now I stay awake just pleading for more_**

**_To think this heart was divided_**

**_I'm losing sleep cause I can't ignore_**

* * *

Jade stays in the shower for almost an hour, absorbed in the past events of the last 48 hours. She's sobered, though now sluggish from the heat of the water warming her skin. As of right now, her body wants nothing more than sleep. Sleep, rest, and maybe a little food, (if she could keep it down).

As if they couldn't disapperate anymore, her spirits sink even lower knowing Tori's waiting and she'll want to talk. She'll be looking for answers. Reasons for drinking, for drowning... an excuse for her self-harm. She'll have nothing to tell her. Not that she would anyway, even if she did have legitimate reasons. She gets it in her head that no, Tori doesn't have the right to know, that she doesn't have to even so much as speak to her, because Jade didn't _ask_ for the hospitality. She didn't ask for any of this.

She dries off with one of Tori's fluffy green towels, then gets dressed in the clothes Tori left on the side for her and uses a brush to comb her hair. She feels vulnerable, momentarily, so out of place as she stares at her reflection dresses up in everything Tori. Heck, she even _smells _like Tori. It's freaks her out a little, which is understandable since she's supposed to be avoiding the girl like she'd promised herself she would.

So far (today alone), Jade has managed to wake up in Tori's bed, shower in Tori's bathroom, use Tori's fragranced shampoos and body washes, and then dress in the girl's clothes too. Not a great start on that one, she bitterly mocks.

Jade eventually makes her way out of Tori's on-suite, into the bedroom, expecting to see Tori sitting on the bed or something, though the girl cannot be seen. What the hell is she supposed to do now? She doesn't want to go looking for the girl in a house which might have Trina in it, and she definitely doesn't want to run into Tori's parents just to be judged, so Jade settles for grumpily sitting on the bed until Tori returns, which isn't for another 15 minutes.

When Tori walks in, Jade's scowl disappears when she notices Tori carrying pancakes sided with syrup. Her stomach growls angrily at her, but she doesn't say anything as Tori walks around the bed and sets the pancakes on the side next to Jade.

"Do you want nutella or anything?" She doesn't seem too angry anymore but she doesn't look like friendly Tori usually does either. She's not smiling and she doesn't even look like she normally would. Her eyebrows are drawn slightly making her expression generally serious, but she doesn't sound so bitter when she asks Jade if she also wants some water or juice.

"I hate sweet."

"You don't hate Cat." Tori says nonchalantly, handing Jade a knife and fork as the girl pulls herself upright.

"Cat's a different kind of sweet." Jade takes the plate in her lap and stares down at the small stack of pancakes, debating whether or not eating on such an upset stomach is such a good idea. It's quiet for a few moments, after Tori sits on the side of the bed, just by Jade.

"I saw her yesterday, actually." Tori says, rubbing out the crease in her jeans. Jade almost chokes on the pancake she hasn't eaten yet, confused and panicky.

"What?" It takes a Jade a moment to process Tori's words... she can't really be serious, can she?

"I went to the centre... and I saw her." Tori waits for Jade to explode, to scream, shout or even hit her, but she just stares. "I don't- I think that... Jade, she needs you."

"I know."

"No. I don't think you do." Tori twists to face Jade.

"Is this the part where you shout at me and moan about how irresponsible I am? Or should I just cut in and beat you to the chase?" Jade can clearly see Tori getting getting a little pissy again, but why the hell should she care? Isn't it her job to provoke her?

"No. I'm not going to shout at you," Tori tells her, staying physically calm.

"So you know what's good for you." Jade says as a matter-of-factly, with a sickening smile which only irritates Tori more.

"You know what Jade? I'm sick of you going around acting like you're perfectly fine. Like your best friend isn't in treatment. When are you just going to admit that you're not okay?" Never has Jade ever physically struck someone before, but it's a thought she can't seem to tame as she stares at Tori in disbelief.

"Who gives you the right to tell me that I'm acting like Cat isn't in rehab? Maybe you may have forgotten this Vega, but I'm the reason she's in there in the first place. Not only did_ I_ check her in there myself, but _I'm_ the reason she even needed treatment in the first place, so don't even dare try and tell me that I'm acting like everything's fine when_ I _sure as hell know it's _not._"

She's going to hurt her. She wants to. Jade clenches her left hand in her lap while the other still clings onto the fork as she bites down on her lip, because never in her life has she wanted to hit someone so badly. Why is Vega even getting herself involved? Hasn't Jade already told her _several _times that she had nothing to do with it? Sure, Jade had told her about her and Cat's history, but that sure wasn't a fucking invite into Jade's life, never mind if it's at Cat's expense or not.

"Jade don't try and turn this conversation around on me. We're talking about last night whether you like it or not." Tori tries not to anger Jade any further, because they've had far too many of those encounters in the past month alone. Though, she realises that Jade probably won't listen to anything she has to say unless she shouts, argues or gives something that Jade can fight back to.

"And what exactly would that achieve, hm?" Tori tries to look over Jade's sarcastically sweet tone because reacting badly would only makes things worse for both of them, so she ignores Jade's spite knowing she only wants a rise out of her.

"I don't know, maybe some sense?"

"Oh, so drinking isn't wise enough? So what else would you have me do, _Tori?"_ It's the same tone, though more forcefully bitter.

"I'm not talking about the damn alcohol _Jade!" _This is only going to make things worse, she knows it. But it needs to be said and since nobody else knows then it has to be her. Jade of course doesn't like confrontation, everyone knows that, especially not from Tori. And it's not like Tori even wants to be acting so harshly towards Jade because she really isn't in a healthy mindset, but given the situation it's probably what Jade needs.

"Then enlighten me." Jade's voice is mellow and calm when she speaks, and it confuses Tori a little on how she can go from one extreme to the other.

"_Jade._ Just- you need to stop. I don't know how long it's been going on or if Cat knows but do you really think that it's fair for you to send Cat to treatment for a disorder when you have one too? She needs security and that's something she won't get if she leaves treatment and finds out what's going on?"

"Oh, so that's what she needs is it?" Jade knows she's being un-rational and that yes, that's exactly what Cat needs. It'd be too triggering for Cat to leave treatment into an environment where the only person she trusts is still self-medicating. She knows, really. But she hates the fact that Tori is the one who's telling her all of this like she's the only person clued in when in fact, Tori doesn't know the half of it.

"She needs... she needs you there. I mean REALLY there. Why would you do something like that? I don't... I know it's hard Jade... Well, actually I don't, but," Tori pauses for a moment before continuing. "If she's gonna get better, _you_ have to get better too."

Jade drops her fork back on the plate. "Could you not act like you know everything?" Jade says now glaring at Tori.

"You _cut _yourself. I don't need to know everything to know that isn't healthy." Jade doesn't say anything to reprimand Tori's accusation. "Jade I found you. I _found _you. You were... you were _bleeding._ So much, Jade... I didn't know if you were... I thought you were going to die."

Jades folds her hands in her laps awkwardly, with a memory not entirely replenished but clued in on enough basics to not want reminding. She can feel her arm burn at the slightest of moments, and she remembers making more than one cut. It's enough to know what she did was incredibly stupid, entirely irresponsible since she can't remember the night in complete detail, _especially _the cutting.

"You were just lying there Jade. Motionless."

She can't deny hating that Tori knows. She doesn't know everything, but she knows about the cutting. She doesn't need that fragile look Tori's now giving her, one that screams I care and you shouldn't be doing this to yourself. One that makes her feel weak. _Jade is not weak._

"I just... I didn't know what to do. You wasn't moving and you were losing a lot of blood. And god, I really didn't know what to do so I called my mum, and she told me to bring you here and I did, but.."

"Stop."

"What if something happened Jade? How would Cat react?"

Jade is not weak.

"Nothing happened, though. Did it?"

"You were going to _die."_

"But I didn't."

"_Jade._"

Jade leans back against Tori's headboard, letting a sigh caress her throat.

"Look, I'm just saying that maybe you need to get help too. Cat's coming back to school soon and she's gonna need you to help her-"

"What the hell do you mean 'Cat's coming back to school soon'?" Jade snaps, her attention on Tori.

Tori swallows a forming lump in her throat at Jade's vicious tone, knowing that she's not going to take it well that Cat had told her before Jade.

"I'm not sure on the details, which is why I think you should call the centre because I don't want to give you the wrong-"

"Just tell me what you know!" Tori bites her lip for a few seconds, piecing together the snippets of information Cat had described to her just a couple of hours ago.

"She mentioned something about her doctors telling her she might be coming back to school for a few lessons a week so she doesn't skip out on education. She also said something about a transfer? I don't really remember..." Tori tried to explain.

"The transfer, did she say it was happening?" Jade urged.

"Oh... I, um. No? Maybe, I'm not sure. She was talking too fast and I couldn't keep up." Cat had been a nervous wreck talking to Tori. She was paranoid that Tori was judging her, and It had make Cat wish she had pulled the tube out herself before one of her friends had seen it. She liked talking to Tori though, she decided. Eventually.

"Are you capable of doing anything right?"

"Hey! That is no way fair. I helped you, didn't I?" She says half disbelief, half annoyance.

Jade rolls her eyes at Tori's immaturity and moves the plate of pancakes from her lap and onto Tori's bedside table. "To some you helped," Jade breathes, meeting Tori's eyes. "But not to me."

Jade's grateful she's still breathing, yes. She's somewhat glad Tori had found her or maybe she wouldn't be, but nevertheless something inside of her is telling her no, that Tori hasn't helped. Not with anything, really. Everything Cat related is pressure, and Tori just seems to add to that pressure, with her clumsy views and actions. She means well, probably, Jade notes. But since when has Jade taken anyone's good intentions into consideration?

As far as Jade's concerned, she should have never told Tori. She shouldn't have even given her a reason to butt her nose in in the first place. Jade's an actress, she should've had faking happiness down to a T. She's done it most of her life. Matter of the fact is, Tori does know and there's nothing Jade can do about it. Wishing otherwise won't take back Tori's visit to Cat. Hoping Tori never knew wont reverse that Tori found her... however she even did.

That's a good point.

"Why did you come looking for me?"

Tori stumbles. "Well I- You wouldn't answer your phone and I got worried."

"But why were you calling me?" Jade fires back with another question.

"I wanted to talk to you about seeing Cat, so you wouldn't like... hurt me when you found out if I didn't." Jade smiles at Tori's anticipating expression, as if she's waiting for Jade to lash out at her still.

"Quit looking at me like a petrified little rabbit. It's not like I'm going to kill you or anything." Tori can't tell if Jade's being entirely serious at the last part, because that smile... It's menacing and everything that screams 'evil'.

Nevertheless, Tori relaxes as Jade puts on her scowl again, no trace of that sickening grimace.

* * *

Trina comes home around 5pm, with the car keys dangling from her mouth, and shopping bags hanging off of her arms. Jade's hangover has cleared up for the most part, but she's still in a bitter mood from hers and Tori's earlier conversation, and then having to further stick around until Trina got home so Tori use to car to drop Jade home. She would've just gotten the bus if Tori hadn't threatened house arrest because it's apparently 'too unsafe' in her state.

Tori drives Jade home in about 20 minutes, the pair not having said a word to one another since around 4 hours ago after they'd decided they officially hated each other again. Jade gets out of the car straight away, knowing Tori's only going to follow her to the door.

"Keys, please." Tori says like a mother would, referring to the alcohol cabinet that belongs to Jade's father. She knows it's already locked because she made sure it had been after she'd found Jade and took the keys to prevent any repetition of events, but Jade had let it slip (purposely) that there was a spare key to it so Tori demanded possession of that one too.

"Here," Jade says after retrieving said key, crossing her arms in a defensive yet stroppy manner at the door. After Tori doesn't move as she takes the key, Jade speaks up again in her 1940's accent. "Is sweet little Tori gonna tuck me into bed too?" She feigns excitement while Tori just looks bored, who huffs and turns to make her way back to her car.

"Y'know, I'm still mad at you." Tori admits, stopping and twisting back around to Jade mid-way. Jade doesn't say anything back to Tori, just watches the girl's somewhat hurt expression and takes note of it and why it is she feels that way still. "But, I guess it's okay."

"Why?" Jade asks, not understanding.

"Because I think you are too." Tori turns and leaves before Jade can even attempt to deny that accusation. Jade watches Tori drive away in the car she shares with Trina, wondering what she would've said if Tori had of stayed for Jade's response.

She supposes even then she wouldn't have answered as she closes the door, because there's a part of her that is mad at herself. She thinks that if Tori had waited, all she could've done would've been agree.

* * *

A/N: Seriously. Do not try the Victorious drinking game, and** especially **not with dark rum. I feel... shitty. And also like I'm hallucinating, thus being my excuse for a not very interesting update.

Responses to reviews will be in the next update, so share your opinions on the character's views/the story in general/where or what you want to see from this story.

Review/favourite/follow.


	25. The 10 Stages

No one Understands

Disclaimer: Fuck you.

A/N: Roughly two weeks on from the last chapter.

Also, the italics mid-chapter under the stages are snippets from previous chapters, which is why they don't make as much sense as I'd like. But, as I don't plan ahead, I didn't set up significant exact events in which I could refer to here. The run-through of the stages Cat's gone through aren't very refined, but I hope you'll get the gist anyway.

You'll understand as you read along. ***Haven't proof read***

* * *

_Across the oceans, across the sea_

_Starting to forget the way you look at me, now_

_Over the mountains, across the sky_

_I need to see your face, I need to look in your eyes_

* * *

It's days that she's loses at a time. Everything drips by so slowly, so dauntingly, with little to fill the gaps between significant events while she has nothing to resort to except taking up space with dread. It's vicious and tedious, but she realises that she'd rather that than anything else. Perhaps, it could be because she's been doing it for so long now that she doesn't care about the wait anymore. Maybe she enjoys the waiting.

But, again, in periods where time slides by in this slow manner, as the three hands mock her as they stay valiantly put as if it's a statement of integrity, that she realises that she must belong in such a place because not 5 minutes can go by without her thinking about food in an eating disorders clinic. The time may stop, but her brain doesn't.

It used to be so hard for Cat, so hard to wait staring at the clock anticipating meal times. She'd count the minutes obsessively, wondering how long it would be until she'd have to eat again or work out another way out of it.

But it's been 7 weeks since she's been in here now and she hadn't realised until her therapist pointed that it was October, and she could've sworn it was still late August. She's been in here a month and a half and she hadn't even noticed, so when she thought time was going past so slowly in reality it hadn't been at all.

Upon this discovery came the realisation that she hasn't seen Jade in a while too, and she's starting to forget what she looks like. Her mind has been so focused on proving to Jade and Tori that she can do this that her reservoir of emerald entities is drying up, as her image of Jade in her head is diminishing with each hour that drops of the clock.

She remembers pale skin and beautiful eyes but that's all she does. Some words, too. Jade's favourites. It scares her a little that so little time without Jade can have such an effect on her memory, it's teasing and tormenting and it hurts her a little that she's even forgotten what Jade smells like.

It shouldn't be so loose, her memory. But going through 12 hours of intense therapy a day - which equals 84 hours a week- is exhausting, and it's been two weeks since she last saw her totalling to 148. Her brain is shattered in more senses that one, so can she really be blamed for misplacing key pieces of information about her loved ones?

Despite this logic in which her key workers have tried to console her with, of course she sees the fault in herself with such violating thoughts. Her head, it's busy and it's stimulated, but focused is what it isn't. She's not quite there with piecing everything together yet, but she hopes with some more time she'll improve on that. As of now, she feels pretty shitty because Jade is slipping from her snappy memories, and it doesn't quite sit right with her.

She needs to see Jade's face, even if it's just a picture so she can become familiar with it again. Two weeks isn't a such a long time, but when you've been deprived of the world outside of the four walls you're stuck in, it seems like forever.

She last saw Jade **15 days ago**.

**14 days ago** her tube got taken out.

**4 days** after that, she finished her first meal.

She thought time had been going obnoxiously slowly, dragging and unbearable, when really, everything's been happening so quick it seems she'd never really been keeping track of anything at all in the first place.

First off, she's progressing in treatment. Her tube got taken out the day after she saw Tori and Jade, which meant she had no choice but to eat unless she wanted to be put back on it, and that - she thought - would be worse than battling food as it'd disappoint Jade.

She was apprehensive at first, weary and untrusting of her own judgements. Was she really going to do this? Was she serious about committing? It had taken her another four days after making that sketchy decision that she actually picked up her fork determinedly, and willingly began her first meal.

It began with force feeding. She'd clamped her eyes shut so tight that patterns of swirls and twinkling dots corrupted her brain and gave her a headache, and she used that distraction to shovel food in her mouth and swallow it before she could even get a taste. It was a messy way of doing things, but the pride she felt after being congratulated on finishing her first meal on her own without prompts made her want to burst, and she swears that even 10 days later her cheeks still ache from all the smiling.

Of course, it didn't come without the guilt, and the next day, being so conflicted, she chose not to eat any whole meals or much of anything at all, which her team understood as they accepted she was doing things in her own time. That was 9 days ago.

It was a massive deal to everyone, it always is whenever a patient finishes a meal for the first few times. It had made her want to try again for a little while, to succeed again, but she never really tried consistently after that because her brain was telling her not to, that she can't, no, _shouldn't _even try to commit to such a thing.

She was hysterical for those next 5 or so days, confused and angry because everything was so difficult. Working out the significance of what she had done was the hardest part, not understanding if it was a good or bad thing or if there was anything that she'd really achieved.

Surrounded by praise for something _you _can't seem to justify is horrible, because you can never really be sure if people are applauding you for doing something great or if it's applause to encourage you to do that something. Were they praising her steps in recovery or were they siding with those thoughts she had been having of relapsing into refusing feeding again.

It had seemed simpler not to try, not only because it was too difficult but because she simply put, couldn't. She was sure she wanted to try, indeed, but wanting to do something doesn't mean to can and that's what had her stuck for those excruciating days.

She'd given into her head, and she'd cried for what felt like hours every night until her key worker pried her away from her blankets and held her until she calmed, until she started to believe the words the women had been telling her. That it was okay to cry because, not crying wouldn't be fair to herself, not crying wouldn't be the right thing because it's going against something 1) she really needed to do to get out of her system, and 2) against what's true to herself and what she was feeling. Point blank, dishonest.

Cat didn't really understand what she had meant, really. But it made her feel like she was going to be okay no matter if she never chose to eat again or if she ended up back on the tube. She knew, somehow, that in the end, she'd always be okay. It's wasn't much, but it was enough. It took another few days, but the day before yesterday she finally picked up her fork for the second time.

* * *

She had picked up the idea from Charlie. Well, in truth, she had heard of the idea from Charlie because the girl doesn't actually do it and was simply complaining about it. Of course, it wouldn't be very beneficial for her, since she's always unsteady in terms of her recovery and can go from near release to back on the tube within days.

The idea is that she's decided to categorise her progress in terms of stages. Most of the girl's in recovery track their progress using these, and in other programs it's often essential. But in Woodleaf it's kept to one side and offered to everyone who wants to use it, and now that Cat has asked about it, she wants in.

There's 10, the most commonly known in treatment.

1) I don't think I have a problem.

2) I have a problem but it's not that bad.

3) I have a problem but I don't care.

4) I want to change but I don't know how.

5) I tried but I couldn't.

6) I can eat but I can't stop my behaviours and thoughts.

7) I can stop some behaviours, but not my thoughts.

8) I am often free from behaviours and thoughts, but not all the time.

9) I am free from my behaviours and thoughts.

10) I am recovered.

Stage 1

_'By the time Cat's nearly done finishing her lasagne, she doesn't feel so fine anymore. She tried to ignore everything and channel out every last piece of abuse her brain is throwing at her for being so stupid and reckless, but she can't._ _Her head is still screaming, making her fully aware of all those calories building up on her thighs. She's getting fatter, and she can feel it. She begs and pleads with Jade, because she doesn't understand. Why can't Jade understand?'_

Stage 2

_'She'd worked out the amount of calories in each meal and concluded: why have 250 calories for some pasta when you can have less than that? Her mind was racing, and calculations became her new obsession. If she was going to be given a salad with 125 calories, and she only ate a quarter, that's only around 41 calories._ _She'd even tried squashing food, and stacking it in various ways to give the effect that she'd eaten more than she actually had. She just wants to lose a little weight, that's all'._

Stage 3

_'The tube shows people you can't manage, highlighting how skinny you are, and that's the label Cat has been trying to grasp. Not ditzy, not crazy, but skinny. It's what she's wanted for so long, and the tube has what's got her there. It's a feeling which makes her want this more, making her hungry for starvation. She wonders if recovery is even worth it, this pain. This struggle to even visualise herself eating. Shouldn't it be easier to just go on with her disorder? It's not much of a life but it's easier. She knows she has a problem, but maybe a problem is who she's supposed to be.'_

Stage 4

_'She wants to try, to get better for Jade. She wants Jade to be proud of her for doing well, and the way she looked at the tube today made her feel like a cheat, a fraud even. Jade had congratulated her, told her she was doing great. Jade was so proud, so happy too. However Cat can't seem to get the idea of out her head that though Jade doesn't know it, she's really more proud of the tube than she is of her, so she wants rid of it. It's silly but it's her biggest competition at the moment, because in her head, that's where Jade's pride is going to.'_

Stage 5

_14 days ago her tube got taken out. 4 days after that she finished her first meal. The day after that she cried in her bathroom with her roommate just outside the door because of the abuse, the torment of her brain. She had been happy, she tried and succeeded in finishing a meal. But she failed her anorexia and she can't deal with these thoughts. They won't leave her alone. She can't do this._

Stage 6

_Undergoing._

Her behaviours and thoughts, the ones that torment her in progressing furthermore is her present struggle. It's a real one, too. It had shocked her that she's already been through 5 stages already, some mere brief intervals in which she didn't really understand the significance of, but she's done it. She's halfway.

Her biggest fear now though is admitting you have a problem and passing the stage of not wanting to deal with it seems to piss easy in comparison to now. These last for stages, these final steps, are triple the intensity she's been through so far. These behaviours everyone talks about, not only bad habits which seem to have stuck with such force, but also incredibly difficult to notice since she's been working alongside them for so long.

And the thoughts?_ God the thoughts_. She'd struggled with those for a lot longer before she even got the first even idea about starving herself, so how the hell is she supposed to tame those? It's all about self-control, and obviously, she doesn't have a lot of that anymore. She can go days without eating, yes, she can go years without so much a hinting at her feelings towards Jade, most definitely, but when it comes to her disorder it's not her who has the control.

Her mind, the part which has fenced itself off from the rest, that's where the power goes to. The stimulation for her anorexia lives within those gates, and picking a fight with its malicious ways is far too imitating to even think about, so how the hell is Cat going to get to grips with thinking freely again?

She has to think by herself, to not let her 'anorexic reasonings' get a say in shaping her judgement. But even before her ED she had trouble with that stubborn little bastard since its always seemed to of have rebelled. There's always been that small part of her thinking that hasn't been quite right, and beating that is going to be the worst of all.

God, nothing is ever simple.

On the positive side, both Tori and Jade are visiting Cat tomorrow. Her key-workers had arranged it when Jade had come in for a meeting about the schooling situation, and she had also heard that Tori had waited for Jade in the waiting room for moral support too, but she supposes that Tori just doesn't really like Jade being on her own.

It's something Tori had told Cat when she came to visit two weeks ago. That she didn't want Jade to be lonely as she had isolated herself from everyone, and it had made Cat smile that she's not the only one worried about Jade. Cat may be messed up, but she's not stupid. She knows Jade is well capable of doing something stupid. I mean, she used to be very involved in weeding Jade off of the cutting once upon a time.

However, of course Cat didn't actually know Jade had been cutting again, and she still doesn't and neither did Tori at the time of conversation. In fact, Cat hadn't even brought it up. She was too nervous and Tori did all the talking, she only paid immense attention and was simply happy that Tori was going to be around Jade more, just in case.

Tori hasn't told Cat of her discovery, that Jade in fact had cut, not seeing much sense in worrying a girl in treatment sick to the point of stopping recovery out of pure panic and confusion.

Asides from all this, Cat's excited, yet nervous, about being able to rediscover Jade's features tomorrow. She simply can't wait to remember her again, and Tori too. She'll be able to think of more than just Jade's transitioning emerald to grey eyes in summers and winters, and she'll be able to hug Jade and smell her and just be with her for a while. It's not a therapeutic visit, it's just a long overdue one, where they just can talk and be together and just smile for a little while.

* * *

_Through the long nights_

_And the bright lights_

_Don't you worry_

_'cause everything's gonna be alright_

* * *

A/N: So here go the responses.

**Djuro: **I'm glad you're still reading, and thank you for your kind words. :)

**dmnchld1029: **I honestly had no idea you were still reading this story but I'm glad you are. And yes, I agree that Tori is being far too harsh on Jade, but I guess I'm making her such so persistent and invading with Jade because I honestly think that if Jade were to really be in the circumstances that she's in in this fic, that she'd need someone to boss her about a bit and not put her with her crap. :) I don't know what you mean about the waking up part - that confused me a little. But thank you for your compliment and reviews :)

**Jeremy Shane: **I definitely agree about the Taylor Swift thing, but I'm sure country artists lip sync in their music videos too? :S Idk, I'm probably wrong. You seem like you know what you're talking about, so don't mind me J

**TyrionGreywind: **Don't hate me for taking so long to update?! And thank you :)

This chapter might of been a bit hard to understand, but I feel like this type of chapter was needed.


	26. Breathing again

No one Understands

Disclaimer: I hate you.

A/N: Cat may seem out of character in this chapter, but remember that the Cat you know isn't typically this 'Cat.'

* * *

October 15th.

The day Cat goes back to school.

She should be a lot more uncomfortable at the thought than she is, but she supposes she's too preoccupied anticipating leaving for the centre for the first time when Jade and Tori come to pick her up at 12 to even think about that right now. She's so excited, so much so that's she's eaten_ all_ of her lunch already, just because she's_ that _desperate for time to pass by.

It's 11, and she's in her last therapy session before she's permitted to leave with Jade and Tori, under the conditions that she must be returned in time for evening snacks, at approximately 4pm. They're called home visits only she's not going to be at home, and they're issued once every two weeks depending on how well you're doing in treatment.

Obviously, this is Cat's first 'home visit', and she'd really like some more in the future so she's hoping she doesn't screw it up. She doesn't know how a person could screw up a home visit, because they're so rare and special so why would anyone want to mess with it? She supposes though, that maybe people don't actually mess them up on _purpose_, and god, she just hopes she doesn't do something stupid which would do that too.

She makes a note to ask her therapist how one _could _ruin their chances of regular home visits once he's done talking, because she thinks that really would mess her up inside.

He stops for a moment, and Cat takes this chance and asks him what she thinks is most important as of right now.

"How can you..." She pauses. "Why isn't Charlie allowed home visits anymore?" Cat had heard from the other girls that Charlie was once permitted to spend whole weekends off the ward at one point, but something happened and things changed.

Her therapist is silent for a moment, just looking at Cat while she stares back with a mixture of curiosity and worry.

"See, I'm not allowed to discuss other patient's with you in this sense." He smiles at Cat and she gets distracted in thinking he has a nice smile. Usually when people smile here it's because it'd be awkward if they didn't, or because they're uncomfortable and don't know what else to do. But his smile, it's comforting, and she knows he means it. "What is it that's troubling you?"

Cat doesn't answer his question, because it's not as if it's something that's particularly troubling her, so to speak, because she can always just ignore it. She shrugs, light-heartedly.

"Cat, I understand that you don't like talking much about how you feel, but trust me when I say it would make you a lot happier. In order to move on from something, you need to be able to understand why you felt like what you did, and why you no longer need to feel it. It's something you'll find terribly difficult without opening up."

He's not patronising when he says it, he's just concerned. Though not in the way which screams 'There's something wrong with you and I want to know what that is so I can make sense of it', but more of 'I just want what's best', kind of way. She tries to understand what it is that she's feeling a bit _weird_ about, not knowing if it's a good or bad weird just yet.

"I don't want to know what it's like to have a home visit if I'm not going to be allowed one again." She starts. "It makes me want to not go, but I want to be able to breathe real air for a while." She frowns at her words, annoyed slightly that maybe they don't help him understand what she means. "I miss breathing nice air."

Everything's so sterile in here, so _clean._ The air, it's not _real._. She's in a hospital, a place where she's been for so long now that she doesn't remember what's it's like to breathe fresh air, untainted air which consumes everything natural. Smells, tastes, everything. The air here, it goes through filters, air conditioning and specially adapted venting systems to prevent the spread of illnesses and disease before it even reaches her lungs, and she hates that.

She just wants to breathe. She just want to feel new again, instead of feeling like an industrialised product these hospital walls are made from.

"You're doing so well here. So well. You see Cat, privileges are only taken away from those who choose doing things the easy way instead of the right way. Those who choose to give up. Don't give in. It'll be hard, but it'll be so worth it. Keep on pursuing Cat, and you'll get that fresh air soon enough. " Her face splits as her smile mirrors his, and suddenly she doesn't feel so bad anymore. "And I'll be counting down the days until you do."

* * *

"Jade, _god, _will you just _please _tell me what's wrong?" Tori stresses. Jade's been freaking out all morning, confused and wired as hell. She refuses to tell Tori why on the terms that 'nothing is actually wrong', but Tori can see through her bullshit.

"You have been wacked out all morning, I know it has something to do with picking up Cat, so just tell me!" Jade ignores Tori again, as she seats herself down on Tori's bed, and simply shrugs. "Jade!"

"What?" Her voice sounds as if she's been crying for the past couple of hours which confuses Tori because she's knows that's not true. She's been with her since 8am. It's a combination of dry and hoarse, with panic lacing her words too. As she looks over to Jade's face Tori can clearly see that the girl is trying to hide her disgust, because did her voice actually just make that sound?

"Why won't you tell me why you're upset?"

There's a number of reasons Jade doesn't tell people she's upset. For starters, she doesn't ever tell people that she's upset because she don't really know when she is or not. Everyone's perception of sadness is different, so it's hard for Jade to know what is really classed as sad and what isn't. It's subjective, and although It sounds incredible stupid out loud, in her own head that makes much more sense.

Plus, she doesn't really understand the point. Even if someone brave enough comes along and asks, she'll either just ignore them or tell them no, that's she fine, even if she really isn't. It's not because she doesn't want anyone to understand her, or because she doesn't want pity. It's just that telling people doesn't change the fact that you're still going to be sad even after you tell them, so in reality it's pretty pointless.

It's just that, to Jade, labelling herself as sad in the first place seems ungrateful, or something, like she doesn't appreciate what she has because she's feeling 'sorry for herself'. In Jade's eyes, there's never a good enough reason to be upset, or at least not for her. People are always going to be worse off, so that alone is a reason not to be sad in the first place because her life is a dream compared to someone else's.

Tori stares at her expectantly, knowing that Jade can't ignore her for much longer.

"Because I don't have the right to be." She says after a few minutes. Tori raises her eyebrow at Jade as if to say 'what the hell are you talking about?' but Jade doesn't continue so she asks her instead.

"Don't have the right to be... upset?"

"Why would I tell you I'm upset if I have no reason to?" Tori frowns momentarily, before Jade continues. "To be upset, I mean."

"Jade, you have every reason to be upset. Cat, you love her, she... I don't- How could you think you have no reason to be upset?" She tries not to let Jade's sigh bother her, because Jade's treating it like it's the most obvious thing in the world, when clearly, it isn't.

"People have it worse," She shrugs, as if her emotions shouldn't matter.

"That is so screwed up," Tori says, shaking her head. "Saying you can't be sad because people have it worse is like saying... It's like saying you don't deserve happiness because someone is always going to be happier."

Jade refuses to acknowledge Tori's point, her stubbornness taking no interest in what Tori has to say, even though a small part of her wants to believe her. That it's okay to be sad every once in awhile, because lately it's all she has been with no applicable reason to justify it. Stupid, she isn't. She knows _why _and _what _reasons she could have to possibly be a little rundown, but to her it's been taught from a young age that showing that sadness and allowing it is wrong. It's weak.

She doesn't want to be weak.

"I'm not upset," Jade says looking at Tori. "I just don't want to screw this up."

Sometimes, there are moments when you see those who are strong and built up slumped down and crippled, with their pride no longer making up their stance. In those times, silently holding their battered ego, you do everything you can to build them back up. You do this because although you hate their stubbornness and pride, and their general egotistical thinking and dignified ways, you hate seeing them so low even more.

Their dejected emotions, the way they no longer bother to take a shot at you even when you hand it to them. You usually have a love/hate relationship with these people, one in which you do happen to like going at each other's throats but hell, you'll never admit it. It's awkward and horrible, watching on as they batter themselves instead of anyone else. You can't stand it, so you help them heal. And as they do, gradually you re-build up your own hate for them all over again, but at the same time, you could never be happier.

Jade isn't egotistical nor vain, but she's proud and stubborn and seeing her look so petrified scares Tori. In the past two weeks, as Tori has practically suffocated Jade since the cutting incident, only a few times has Jade bit at Tori. It's her, them both in this commonly rare situation, where Jade has lost her bite and Tori is mourning the loss of her sharp teeth. She has nothing to wince at, nothing to keep her from forgetting that this is Jade and they hate each other.

In the past few days, Jade hasn't really been Jade, but more of a lessened version of herself. She doesn't shout, she never voices complaints about every small minuscule thing, and she hasn't picked up her scissors once, (not that Tori would let her, but still, she hasn't even tried). It's overwhelming how different she seems, even though very little has changed.

In fairness, Jade stills hates like it's the only thing she knows how to do, just not Tori. (Well, maybe she does, but she doesn't _verbalise it). _It should feel nice that Jade isn't constantly putting her down and bashing her, but she knows this doesn't really mean Jade's her friend and that the only reason she isn't being spiteful is because she has other crap to be worrying about. Jade isn't not bashing her to be nice, or out of friendship, it's because she's just _tired. _

Tori hopes, that by the time this is all over, Jade will be Jade again and Cat will be Cat. But what scares her is that nobody knows how long that will be. From what Jade has touched upon, Cat wasn't even close to the person she really was before Tori even came into their lives, and so, Tori fears that even when Cat does come out of treatment, everything will be different anyway because Cat will be discovering herself again. Her _true _self. Not who Jade had said was a product of her 'parent's devastating neglect'.

She also wonders, that if Cat had been, (for lack of a better word) 'normal' before she had come into the group, shouldn't that mean that the rest of the gang were _witnessing _Cat change as a person. Surely they must've seen a change, having known her since their first year. Couldn't they of? Or did they but just sat back and _watched_ thinking it was just her growing up, or down, or _something._

It doesn't matter anymore. It shouldn't, but Tori feels like it does. Whatever.

"It's fine. Everything is going to go great, okay? We're gonna take her wherever she wants to go, and it'll be fun and she'll have a great time. Don't stress about it." Tori consoles.

"C'mon, we should leave." Jade stands and heads for the stairs.

"Fine."

* * *

Cat leaves therapy just as Jade and Tori arrive, buzzing at this point. For once, she doesn't feel ashamed to feel good, because at the end of the day she's still in an Eating Disorders Clinic and everything is always so glum.

It's a nice feeling, almost like she's free. Staying in a hospital isn't very... pleasant. Being among sick people 24/7 starts to mess with your mind, and it feels wrong to feel happy for the most part since you're always surrounded by sickness. It feels like gloating, rubbing it in their faces that you're having a good day because they aren't. But today, Cat feels good.

"If you want to come back, just ask either Tori or Jade. It's okay if you get a bit overwhelmed." Dr. Stevens says, walking alongside Cat to the waiting room.

"I'm okay," Cat almost squeals.

"I mean it Cat. You'll be very self-conscious. If you feel like you've had enough, you know what to do." He finishes, opening the doors in which divides Tori and Jade who are on the other side.

She's nervous, a little. But in a way she feels like she shouldn't be. She longer has her tube, so now Jade can be proud of her instead, and maybe Tori will be too. Plus, she's known Jade for... god. And Tori's nice. She's a good friend so should she be worried? She doesn't think so.

Jade stands, and Tori does too when she sees Cat emerge from behind the doors, and well. This is the first time in a while Tori's seen Jade smile. I mean, _really smile. _

Cat, she looks great. A lot better than she did two weeks ago, especially now that her tubes out, she notices. But Jade doesn't seem to care about that as of now, as Tori's own grin tears apart her face as Cat runs to Jade and literally _squeezes _Jade's breath away.

"Cat.. can't breathe" Jade forces, without any attempt of letting Cat go. It seems clique, but It's cute and Tori couldn't be happier that they both look so-

"Oof!" Tori garbles, Cat practically tackling her back to her seat.

"Hi" The red-head breathes when she releases Tori from her grip.

Jade's smile, still stuck where it is, seems to only get bigger when Cat practically squeals as she vibrates on the spot when she asks where they're spending the next 4 hours.

"Anywhere you want," Tori says as she recuperates.

"Anywhere?"

"Anywhere." Jade reinforces.

* * *

The three girls make it to the movie theatre in around 15 minutes, as Cat requested to see one of the new releases. Of course, Jade had raised her brow seemingly confused as to why out of all the places they could go in L.A, Cat chose to watch a PG film.

"Jade will you stop giving me that look! I just wanna do something normal for a while," Cat laughs, before hitting Jade's arm as the older girl playfully rolls her eyes. "Seriously!"

Tori just smiles at the two interacting. She had mistakenly thought that the first hour would be awkward and uncomfortable, but apparently, Cat doesn't have the time to spare and jumped straight past that stage. I guess she really wants to spend as much time as she can with them both without awkward pauses and stuttered sentences.

"But really, Cat? You want to watch 'Escape From Planet Earth'?" Cat just shrugs while fanning herself with her ticket. "That's got to be the worst movie on the listings."

"We could've seen Spring Breakers?" Cat turns to Tori, dismissing the suggestion.

"Nah, I don't wanna see a bunch of girls sexing it up." She explains. Tori's eyes literally budge out of her head at Cat's use of wording, but Jade on the other hand, doesn't even flinch.

Jesus, she could've choked.

"I, uh, snacks?" Tori splutters. Jade seems a bit apprehensive to answer Tori's question, and Tori internally spams herself for asking about food in front of Cat. _Fuck-_

"If you're gonna get popcorn, please get salt. Toffee is horrible," Cat chimes, almost cheerily.

"Oh, sure." Tori stutters before scurrying off to the line. It's silent for a few seconds, Jade thinking about what to say, Cat not knowing _how _to say what she's thinking.

"Jade?" Jade fixes her eyes to Cat as opposed to the floor, feeling like a guilty child waiting to be told off by a parent. "I, can I... When we used to come here, you let me..." Cat chokes on her own words, frowning at the floor pouting as if in a tantrum.

"hmm?" Cat sighs and looks back up at Jade again.

"Inside, can I... can I hold your hand?" Jade successfully stops herself from smiling at Cat's shyness. "I mean, you don't have to let me butIjustthoughtthatmaybeifit gotreally, I mean-"

"Yeah, Cat. You can hold my hand," She's laughing and Cat relaxes, her pink cheeks flaring.

Jade takes Cat's hand just before Tori gets back, but Tori doesn't comment on Cat's giddy chuckle as she bites her lip to hush it.

"So I got the popcorn, let's go." Jade leads the way tugging at Cat's hand.

"Cute," Tori mumbles shaking her head.

* * *

"Eh, it wasn't... _completely_ awful." Jade says walking out of the theatre.

"Jade! Just admit you liked it! You smiled like, FOUR times," Cat says as a matter-of-factly.

Jade huffs.

"Only when they were in pain."

"Y'know," Tori drags. "I could've sworn I even heard you laugh a few times." Jade glares at Tori's mocking tone, while Cat just giggles at Jade's denial.

"I did not in no way enjoy a freaking cartoon film about aliens. I. Did. _Not." _

"You sure about that?" Tori teases.

"Never speak of this again." Jade leaves the theatre dragging a hysterical Cat behind her along with a sniggering Tori.

Upon reaching the car park Jade asks if there's anything else Cat's wants to do within the last hour they have before she has to be taken back, and Cat asks if it's okay to go to the park or something. Obviously, Jade doesn't want to be stuck anywhere near a bunch of terrorising and disgusting children, so instead, as a compromise, she takes Cat and Tori to the Hollywood sign.

They stay there for about half an hour (before they have to leave to make it back on time), appreciating the beauty of being outside, and just breathing nice air.

It's only when Jade is close by the centre on the way back that Cat starts to grow quiet and go back within her shell again.

"Are you okay Cat?" Tori asks eventually. "You've gone quiet..."

"Nothing, I just... I don't wanna go back."

"Cat, it's ok. We'll have another day out soon," Jade says, taking small glances back at Cat in the mirror. "Real soon."

After Jade drops Cat off and Tori says goodbye, Jade pecks Cat on the cheek, and then again on her lips.

Cat can't wait until school starts.

* * *

A/N: This one is longer than the last few (:

If you're a little disappointed that I didn't go into much detail about their day then I'm sorry, but I'm tired and I'm pretty sure I'm also hallucinating.

Review and tell me your favourite parts, or the parts you don't like, or just nag me to update quicker next time.

Also, leave your usernames for twitter (if you want) in the reviews and I'll follow you? :D


	27. Overwhelmed

No one Understands

Disclaimer: Why?

* * *

_Oh these times are hard,_

_Yeah they're making us crazy,_

_Don't give up on me baby_

* * *

Cat can't wait until schools ends.

She's on her way there, in an empty community van with her assigned key worker, Joan. She's not here for the full day, but for 2 hours for Sikowitz's double period lesson. She has a five minute break in between, if she wants, in case she gets overwhelmed.

"Remember, if you get _overwhelmed_, say the word and we'll go back to the hospital." Joan calls from the front seat. She thought school would be an okay thing to go back to, but all she can think of is that she hasn't been there in a month and a half and what will people say? What will _she _say?

Jade had told them she was on holiday, hadn't she? To Spain? She wasn't very tanned for that excuse, despite her Italian genes. She can_ speak_ some Spanish, though, her mother had enforced it as a child, for some reason. But she's pale and ill-looking. _ish_.

"I'll be okay," Cat speaks up. Joan nods and goes back to watching the scenery fly by her window, the silence making her uncomfortable. If it's quiet it's harder not to focus on her mind, because that's where the torment comes from, if any. She's scared of what people will think or her, what they'll say and what she'll say back. It may only two hours but it's intimate and in a confined space.

In the hospital, you can ignore a question your therapist asks until you're ready to answer. It could be weeks or maybe just days, but here at school, in this social situation, if she's asked a question she'll be dammed if she doesn't answer it. She's not good a quick thinking because her insecurities make it for her brain to focus on what's coming out of her mouth as her mind is too preoccupied pointing out that the kid from across the hall is staring at her,_ and it's probably because she's fat. _

Her words don't make sense and neither does her mind, but that's not her fault.

Cat believes that your mind is an entirely different thing from your brain. Your brain, it's all to do with processes and functions. It, primarily, is what keeps your body going. It's priorities are your health, and well-being, and it will fight to keep you alive and running smoothly. Your mind, however, _the little shit_, is manipulative in ways in which could harm you. It's all to do with thoughts and emotionally based reasons and decisions. It, basically, is you.

But how Cat's mind is different is in it's manipulative side, which, in contrary to most, is massive. Others' tend to be more tame, until that nastier side is needed for a while, showing it's face again before it retreats back into hibernation. Cat's, is a little more persistent than that.

Her mind, god, is a lot stronger than her brain. Most people's are, in fact, but the influence Cat's has on her day to day life is huge, and is basically the reason she is where she is. Her's had developed from 'why don't my parents like me' to 'why the hell are you so flawed, sort your shit out'. It's when things got really bad, when her mind starting overpowering her brain, especially when it came to making basic decisions such as eating. Since then, she's been screwed.

Her brain would beg her to pick up her fork, to eat a little to keep her body maintaining, to keep herself going, but hell, her mind had other plans. It was too strong, too strong for Cat to cope, and in the end both her brain and her submitted to her mind. It was too hard, there wasn't much point in fighting. But now, in terms of recent events, her brain is fighting back with the support of her therapists. It's starting to control her a little more than her little demon, but it's a slow process.

And today, even after all the milestones she'd made, she's still feeling overpowered within her mind, and that scares her enough to the point of near-tears, but hell, will she let them fall. She knows if she starts crying, she won't be able to stop, and Joan will have to take her out of the hospital and she'll be inside even longer. She's not taking shortcuts into getting out of treatment, she's just persisting and trying harder to not like her thoughts get to her like they used to.

It's hard, but if she manages to go a full day without crying today, then why can't she do it every other day. If she makes it today, then it's another milestone and it's another step towards recovery, and she doesn't think she can go much longer feeling as crappy as she does now. She wants to recover, 100%, but it's so difficult and she just hopes she doesn't screw it up.

"We're almost there, you feeling okay?" Joan turns and asks.

Crap, Cat recognises this street. It's the one branching off of Tori's. 5 minutes, just 5 minutes until they're there. Jesus Cat, stay calm.

* * *

"Do you, do you think she'll be able to handle it?" Tori asks an emotionless-looking Jade.

"I hope so." Jade turns to Tori, frowning a little.

"Are _you _going to be able to handle it?" The Latina says, re-phrasing her question.

"If anyone touches or so much as speaks to her in a bad tone I will not hesitate to snap their neck," Jade says dead seriously, before walking away from Tori's locker and making her way to her own.

"Yikes."

Tori turns back to her lockers and puts in the combination to open it, putting away the extra unnecessary weight of unneeded books back into her locker from her bag. To her unknowing, Beck spots her from across the hall and makes his way over to her.

"Hey,"

Tori spins to face Beck dropping two of her books in fright.

"Dude! What the hell?" She says covering her heart with her hand in some stupid attempt to calm it down. He smiles at her before picking up her books for her.

"Jade seems... scary." Tori's expression freezes for a second, not really liking the idea of where this conversation could be going. As far as the rest of the group knows, Jade is having a little trouble with her father, like a fight or something, whatever, which isn't exactly a lie. She has been having trouble with her father... which has been pretty much ongoing throughout her adolescence.

"I, uh," Tori says taking the books from Beck's hands. "Isn't she always?"

He laughs so the conversation doesn't turn awkward, but Tori already feels like it has been since he said 'hey', she just hopes he doesn't notice how weird this is.

"So, I heard Cat's coming back from Spain today." He says, leaning on the locker next to Tori's.

"Yeah, but Lane said something about her having some stomach virus." Beck raises his eyebrows as if to say 'seriously?', so Tori just shrugs and arranges the books in her locker. "She's only going to be here for 2 periods because of it."

"Oh yeh?"

"He said something about her missing too much school while she was on holiday, so she's only going to be in for a few hours every now and again so she doesn't get completely out of the swing of things." Tori shuts her locker and re-adjusts her bag on her shoulder before turning to face Beck. He doesn't look too concerned, which says a lot, really. He never really does.

"It'll be good seeing her." Tori just smiles, trying to think about ways to let him know just how bad Cat will be at her worst. Jade told Tori that she's had panic attacks in the hospital and has lashed out. If Cat starts to get to that point there will be shaking and all sorts before she's taken out, and surely the excuse 'stomach bug' won't cover that?

She wishes she could just tell him, but it's not her choice and neither is it Jade's. Cat hasn't said she doesn't want people to know, but, her therapists have told Jade whose told Tori that she isn't comfortable with 'coming out' yet, in both senses. Not that Tori blames her. It's one thing to disappear for a month and a half just after summer break and then come back for a lesson claiming she has a stomach bug, imagine announcing to the school she's been in rehab and is also gay?

Not that being gay matters much to Cat.

She doesn't care, in all honesty. They wouldn't be the only gay couple in HA. But, as it is, Jade cares, because it's not like those other couples are accepted by everyone yet, no matter if they're in LA or not. Jade doesn't want people to hurt Cat, (including her father), and in her logic, telling people about them would only make her recovery and sobriety even harder, adding extra things to worry about on their list.

But whatever. That's not important right now.

"It will." Tori says nodding. "But I heard that she's quite bad," Tori says it in concern and regret, like she's pleading that a rumour she's heard isn't true, even though she's the one who made it up. "Her mom told Lane that she's been having feverish side effects, like sweating and shaking, and stuff."

Beck goes to open his mouth but then closes it again, presumably because he can't imagine the happy Cat he knows in such a state. _If only he knew._

"It's like from some weird thing in the water or something. Like a parasite." Tori starts to move away from her locker and Beck follows, like she had expected him too.

"And Jade?"

"What about her?" She asks in confusion_. Weren't they just talking about Cat?_

"Is she... okay?" He asks with uncertainty like he doesn't really want to know the answer, like it will burn him or cause him pain somehow.

"Sure?" Tori stops just in front of Sikowitz classroom, looking at Beck like he's a little crazy for asking _her_ this question and not Jade. "Why don't you ask her?"

He pauses for a moment, and then speaks up again after Tori raises her eyebrows expectantly.

"I did, but she didn't really say." Tori nods putting her hand on his shoulder.

"But I don't get why you're asking me," she says like she's talking to a five year old. "Me and Jade aren't even friends."

She takes her hand off his shoulder, trying to make it clear that although they are, (kinda), her and Jade are not friends. If they were to be friends here, there would be questions they couldn't answer because they'd most likely end with 'Cat', because she's the reason they even started being civil.

"I'm just worried." He looks genuine when he says it, and something inside of Tori tells her that he's only asking because he misses her, and maybe wants to fix things between them (which he can't currently do because she's avoiding him, plus, Tori helped last time). She finds it funny, a little, because she's 100% certain that Jade would definitely not go back out with Beck because she's _gay _(well, bi), and oh yeah, _she's in love with Cat._

"I can't help you there." She says laughing and turning to walk into the class, leaving a puzzled Beck standing in the hallways thinking 'What just happened here?'

* * *

Cat is greeted in Sikowitz's classroom sided by Lane, who is to take over for Joan while she's in school. There's a lot of "Hey"s and "Gurl, where have _you_ been"s, and it's a little much at first and she looks like a petrified little mouse in a classroom with this many people, hugging her and welcoming her back. She even squeaks in fright when Eli goes to hug her a little too tightly, and she's never felt to fragile and small in her life.

She tries not to shake too much, because that would give people another reason to stare at her and having the people immediately around her staring is enough. She tries not to stutter over her words when people ask her where she's been, and her panic is fluctuating and she doesn't know how she ever did this before.

Her hands are clamy and she's sure there's a small build up of sweat on her forehead.

_Oh god._

They're staring at her stomach aren't they? They are, oh my god. They have to be staring at her stomach.

_'Caterina what the hell have you done?'_

Jade, on the other hand, doesn't swarm Cat like everyone else seems to, and just sits back and observes the situation. Lane looks a little concerned, because Cat, wow does she look uncomfortable. But, he doesn't say anything. Robbie hugs Cat next, saying he's glad she's back, and as soon as Jade sees Robbie prop Rex up a little higher on his arm, she steps in and takes charge.

She walks over to Cat, curls her fingers around her wrist and pulls her away before Rex can even make a comment on her 'stomach bug', and how people with stomach bugs are supposed to _lose _weight, not gain it (even though she looks _so _much _healthier_ now and everyone can see it).

"That's enough!" Jade shouts with a timid Cat at her side. "What are you planning on doing, prodding and poking at the girl and harassing her with questions?" Everyone shuts up at Jade's exclaims, because shit, she looks pissed.

Cat's heart does nothing to calm.

"Leave her alone and start the damn lesson already. I'm not paying shit loads of money just to stand around and ask Cat about her damn holiday all day!" Jade strops across the room and throws herself down in the chair looking extremely irritated, when both Cat and Tori know she isn't, not really. Well, maybe a little at that everyone swarmed Cat like little blood-sucking mosquitoes, but aside from that, she's fine.

Cat follows Jade's lead and sits on the chair closest to the window and furthest away from the rest of the class, as the crowd eventually disperses when Sikowitz parades to the front like it's some sort of Catwalk. Sikowitz, of course, knows about Cat's treatment. All of the teachers do. So he doesn't say a word but smiles at her comfortingly.

Her throat, sickeningly dry, seems to throb as her heart batters her rib cage, but she's fine.

_She's okay._

* * *

Cat doesn't say or participate in anything throughout the rest of the two hours, and neither does Jade. They sit, watch and listen, and Cat's just glad that it doesn't feel so alienating in here. No one is really paying attention to her anymore, except the odd glance from Beck who is more looking at Jade and smiles at Cat every time she notices him do it.

She ignores his smiles, and doesn't even show she's acknowledged them. Because at the end of the day in her eyes he's still Beck and he stole Jade, so no, she's not going to smile back and pretend she's good friends with him again. Not when he's ogling _her _girlfriend in the middle of the classroom. (Or soon to be, girlfriend).

Hopefully.

Maybe.

_Ugh._

Sikowitz picks on Cat for an improv topic, and she freezes and starts to panic a little when she feels everyone's eyes on her. Jade turns to her and smiles, one of those adorable ones she knows Cat loves because her cheeks get really big and child-like. Jade's just thankful no one apart from Cat can see this.

"Babies!" Cat squeaks eventually, still looking dead on at Jade (who to everyone else, seems to probably be glaring at Cat, making the squeak justifiable).

"Babies it is! Robbie, Sarah, Beck... and Andre! Up, up, _up!_" Sikowitz skips to the side of the stage and collects his coconut, and starts sipping on it like a juice pouch. Cat smiles, missing the man and his crazy antics. Jade wears her scowl again now facing the front, staring at Beck with dead, emotionless eyes while he lightly smiles at her. Cat then also glares. Tori bites her lip so she doesn't smile at Cat's cute possessiveness.

"You are to improv a scene in which is based around babies, but!" He stamps his foot for emphasis. "You must focus on valuing emotional integrity over audience response." He drops his coconut on the side.

"By this I mean do not try to be something your character is not. For example! If I were to improv a scene as Michael Jackson, I would have to stay true to that character or the audience will not connect. They will see through you and your career will be over and there's nothing you can do to stop it." The horrified looks on some of classes faces does nothing to amuse Cat, as she too, looks a little horrified.

"And on with the scene!"

* * *

Cat is taken back to the hospital not 35 minutes later, when the lesson finished and her time in school was over. She didn't get to say bye to Jade, or thank her for helping her deal with the overwhelming crowd and Rex.

She had been summoned by Lane who wishes to speak about how she's dealing with Cat's treatment, as the rest of the school went to lunch. But Cat doesn't mind.

She doesn't mind because she didn't cry, she didn't crack and her mind didn't get the better of her. It told her they were staring because she was fat, because she was gaining weight, but something told her not to care, so she didn't. Well, not as much as she thought she would've.

Another milestone.

She's getting better at this.

* * *

A/N: I'm so tired right now it's a joke. But thank you to everyone who reviewed, especially **Djuro**, your review made me want to curl into a ball and eat chocolate all day.

Review and tell me what you think might happen from here on out, in terms of both Cat and Jade's relationship and with Beck's interest in Jade again.

Tori is totally a Cade shipper, may I just add. I mean, look at her. All happy and shit.

Review!


	28. Parallels

No one Understands

Disclaimer: I'm getting real tired of your shit, FanFiction.

A/N: _**Bold italics = past events. **_*I did not proof read this*

* * *

_You've got a lot to say, for the one that walked away_

_I give you take_

_Some things they'll never change_

_Just change_

* * *

"Hey, Jade!" Jade stops in the halls as Beck jogs to her side, his hand running through his hair. Jade halts and watches Beck as he composes himself, passing off nonchalance brilliantly. He's good at the sort of thing, everyone knows.

"What?" Jade snaps, her bag hitting of her leg as it swings at her side. "What do you want?" Beck smiles at Jade, disgustingly charmingly, like always. The same smile that Jade once annoyingly grew to love.

"Chill," Beck laughs, holding his arms up in surrender. "I just want to see how you are."

Beck stands there, though conveying normality, anxiously. Like he's waiting for something to happen, like an explosion, or to be stricken by Jade. She doesn't know what it is really, but she's just wishing he'd come out with it already.

"Seriously?" Jade says defiantly, growing quickly irritated at his mellow attitude. Beck shrugs, slipping his hands in jean pockets. "What do you _really _want?"

Beck, raising his brows, retreats a hand back from his pocket to pat his hair. "I miss being your friend," He confesses. Jade doesn't seem to be too fussed, seemingly not bothered at all by his encouragement of friendship. "I just thought we could hang out more."

Jade's sigh is lost in Beck's awkward throat clearing, as he waits for an answer he deep down knows he's not going to get. She can't hang out with him, not now, not ever. He brings back these feelings, painful emotions if you will, and she's had enough of those lately to last her a lifetime. Plus, she just has her own shit going on right now, and Beck's the least of her problems.

In honesty, she doesn't like Beck much at the moment. She's resents him, really, for leaving her, knowing full well that she needed him. It's exactly what she done to Cat, and for that, she hates herself, and in turn, him. It's displacement, unconscious, but she doesn't care. She's aloud to not like him seeing as they only broke up a few weeks back. It's normal, right?

Normal to not want to be around your ex?

Jade eyes scan the halls around her, looking for anything else to look at than his soft, regretful expression. She doesn't want to hurt him, despite not wanting to be friends again. She cares about him, as a person more than anything else. Like an old family friend.

"Beck, I'm..." Jade draws out. Beck meets her eyes, sad but still inviting, warm in a way. "Not now, okay? Not for a while, actually." Beck licks his dry lips and bites down before it slips back out of his mouth.

"It's ok, I get it." He says with a tug of his lips. "Not for a while." Jade nods slightly, contempt, before turning and picking up her stride towards Lane's office and Becks heads off in the other direction. It's not exactly a lie, but it's not explicitly truthful either she thinks as she weaves around the fellow students cluttering the halls.

Beck, he's... he's not good. Not in that way, but like, he's not good for her to be around at the moment. Not with everything going on in Cat's life at the moment, and hers. She doesn't want to be around him yet, or ever, she doesn't know.

She shakes her head, turning down the next corridor, lost in thought. She'd never not wanted to be around Cat, after they'd somewhat, split. Sometimes, after their break-up, in the arms of Beck, she'd wonder if she was technically cheating on them both, seeing as she never officially cut the ties off with Cat. It made her feel sick, dirty even, the thought of cheating on Cat.

She was never sure what her hurt most, seeing Cat so dead and dejected because of what she had done, or what she had still been doing at the time to both of them by lying about how she was feeling. Cat, she knew not to confront Jade, not that she would, but still. Jade had made that clear by the looks she'd send her across the classroom if she caught Cat staring. And Beck, he was clueless, but at the same time, curious.

Of course, Beck had asked her why they'd never hung out anymore. He'd never been around when they were redeemed 'best-friends', but they still went to the same school. He knew, like everyone else, that they were once inseparable.

He had wondered if they'd argued or fallen out, and every time he'd ask Jade and would tell him they just grew apart he'd falter, remembering how he'd notice Cat's sad eyes in the halls whenever they caught a glimpse of Jade. Jade too was almost... grieving, like you would mourn a death, he thought. In a way, she was.

She'd destroyed not only her and Cat's relationship, but their friendship too. But every slip up with Jade and Beck would assume it was her parents again, maybe because it was easy, or maybe because he just didn't really care about Jade and Cat falling out because eventually, everyone started eating as a group again.

But Jade, she knew her heart was broken. At first, she thought she'd just be able to deal with it like she usually did with emotions. But it was too strong to not to be noticed, it was the kind of pain that demands to be felt. Jade couldn't hide in her ignorance all the time.

Her only problem with dealing with that kind of heartbreak was that it wasn't like Cat's. She was able to smother it up and mask it's fragmented pieces, but Cat, she couldn't. Jade was dating Beck, no one even knew she was hurting. She was able to control the effects her heart was having on her more, because people weren't staring at the gaping hole in her chest begging for attention. It didn't exist unless you saw it first hand, and Jade, she was the only one who did.

Cat, the impact her hole in her chest had on her was tormenting to even watch. She was okay, to anyone else, but Jade, she knew, she could _see_ what it was doing to her. She was happy and sad all at the same time, excited and vulnerable and _completely confused. _Nothing made sense, Jade, she... she was okay, Cat couldn't see any change in her, she was _normal. _

She was the mess. Inside, sometimes out, too. Her manic thoughts tore it's way free, into the open and people were looking and watching but they didn't care because they'd always known Cat was a little eccentric and strange. A heartbreak isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling, and the most painful thing is that no one really hears it except yourself.

Cat was the bomb, Jade was the feather.

She remembers the look on Cat's face during the first couple of weeks, (maybe even months, Jade grew numb to Cat's hurt at some point). It was heartbreaking, her expression, so sad, so torn. Pain, it's the only way to describe it, because whenever Jade looked at Cat, it was all she felt.

Cat's pain.

She hates herself for tearing Cat apart.

Jade swallows to soothe her drying throat, reaching for the door handle to Lane's office, not bothering to knock before she swings it open. Lane had told her Cat'd be here before lessons, and it doesn't take long in spotting Cat and a concerned Lane.

She has her back to Jade, but Lane's face says enough. He pulls another tissue out of the box Jade notices him holding, passing it to Cat before Jade hears her sniffle.

"Cat?" Her back tenses at the Goth's voice.

Cat twists her body awkwardly to face Jade, tearstained, puffy eyed and quivering.

Jade's at Cat's side before Lane can blink, supporting her head with her two hands, shushing her.

Cat inhales sharply, her breath shattering before it reaches her lungs in a pool of shards. Cat squeezes her hands in between her thighs at such pressure her wrists bleach white, her manic breathing bursting from her mouth in a series of quick, short pulses. "_Shh, babygirl." _When was breathing ever this hard?

Lanes moves away from the two to give them a little breathing space. "It's okay, you're alright." Jade says gesturing for Cat to scoot over with a nudge of her head.

Jade moves to Cat's side on the coloured couch, pulling Cat closer into her side, her long arms wrapping around her. She doesn't know what's happened, but she's sure it has something to do with her anxiety. Cat clings to Jade just as desperately as a newborn child clutches to a mother's finger instinctively.

Cat has hair and make-up next period, alone with no friends to support on.

Cat's head falls into the crook of Jade's neck, her warm, moist breath beating against Jade's cold skin. "You're okay, Cat," Jade whispers, rubbing her back with her right hand, tucking the damp strands of hair stuck to her face back behind her ears with the other.

_"It hurts so bad," _Cat manages, just before her breath is sucked viciously back into her lungs savaging any essence of oxygen. Jade blinks at her, at the serenity in her voice, the panic. It's like Cat has never felt this bad before, and her pain, her struggle to keep from retreating back into the depths of her mind is evident in her eyes.

They're heavy, her eye sockets carving her skull so harshly that whenever she cries, her tears take great effort in contouring its way down her face to get past the bucket of puddles trapped under her eyes, perched on the bone.

Jade can feel it, how much this is hurting her, how hard she's trying not to give up and just shut herself off completely like she used to. Jade can see how much this is draining her.

"I know." Jade breathes, low and gentle. She refuses to promise Cat everything will be alright, because she doesn't know that. She hates promises, they're always so easily broken. She's already broken so many already to Cat, and she knows it's not what Cat wants to hear from her anymore.

So Jade doesn't make Cat any promises, she doesn't tell her she's going to be okay. Cat's shaking minimises as she grips onto Jade's shirt, and it's this, just Jade holding her. It's enough.

* * *

_**"Cat, stop. Please, just listen to me." **_

_**A single drop of grief had been welling up in the corner of Jade's eye and suddenly, breaks away at the sight of Cat's distraught expression. Warm droplets course their way down Jade's cheek, the sound of Cat's broken sobs lost in the sounds of her own, as she tries keeping it together for Cat's sake."He can't find out, Cat. We have to stop."**_

_**Cat's breath came out in sharp, shallow rasps, a broken mess of a sound as she tried convincing Jade. "Please, no Jade, please don't." She wasn't okay with this, any of it. She couldn't take another one of these conversations anymore. "I love you, okay? And you love me, don't you?" **_

_**"Of course I do, but-"**_

_**"Please, don't hurt me." Cat cried, squeezing Jade's hand with her own, begging, pleading Jade not to break her. "Please." Cat's tiny voice pierces through Jade's chest, her puffy eyes staring through Jade's defeatedly. **_

_**She'd never once before looked at Jade like this, like everything around her had withered and she was the last petal left, alone and malnourished. Like she'd rather just die then grow on the stalk alone. **_

_**Cat would've done anything for Jade, anything for her to stop with these doubts, with these fears of her father. "Cat, I-"**_

_**"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry he came back and I was here, it won't happen again okay?" Cat spoke as clear as she could with her nervous, shaking voice, looking straight up at Jade again. Her hands were vibrating, her skin flustered red. "Don't do this."**_

_**Jade inhaled a shattered breath, a side-effect of her sobbing, "I can't Cat, my dad. He'll hurt you, I..." The near 15 year old's voice quivered, she really did hate all of this crying emotional **_**_stuff. _**_**"I'm sorry."**_

_**Jade couldn't be doing this, no, she can't. She loves and Jade loves her. Why isn't that enough? **_

_**Cat had stayed quiet for a few moments, the silence deafening them both. She'd spent a while just thinking, just collecting herself and trying to sort her mess of a mind out. Jade hated her father, she thought, she really, really hated her father, so why is she so scared?**_

_**"Have I... have I done something wrong?" Jade looks down to a trembling Cat after she shatters the silence, her bottom lip sucked between her teeth. She looked so sincere, so generally concerned, like Jade was trying to break up with her because she's not good enough.**_

_**Jade's heart a sank through the hole in her chest, looking at Cat who sat slumped over so doubtful of herself. It made her want to scream no, that there's nothing wrong with her and it's all her doing, she's the reason she can't do this. But she knew screaming would've made things worse because that's what their parents done, and they didn't want to live up to that.**_

_**Jade sunk down from the sofa, down to Cat's level, taking Cat's face in her hands.**_

_**She could feel Cat's breath clumsily escaping her mouths in waves, crashing against her own. They were so close, so comfortable. It felt right, to be like that, in each other's embrace, but it was wrong, Jade thought. She couldn't... she... what about her father?**_

_**"No, sweetie. No," The red-head shed more tears, more sadness and Jade wanted it to stop, she couldn't see Cat so hurt, she just couldn't. "You're perfect Cat." **_

_**Cat switches her focus between each of Jade's glazing blue eyes. "You're more than that to me, you're everything. I take it back, okay?" She'd try, yeah, okay, she'll try. She thought, she couldn't do this to Cat.**_

_**Cat falls into Jade's chest, relieved, petrified, confused, latching onto Jade's shirt as her shaking body attempts to keep up with her hysterical cries. "I love you so much, Cat."Jade breathes into Cat's dark, curly hair. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."**_

* * *

Jade rocks Cat, kissing her head. "I love you so much," Jade expresses into Cat's red hair. "So, so much."

The red-head's crying stopped around 20 minutes ago, though her drained body still rests against Jade's for warmth and comfort, recuperating. Her mouth is dry, dehydrated from the crying, but Cat makes no effort to drink any of the water Lane provides, preferring to breathe in Jade's perfume instead.

Jade watches Cat's eyes move underneath her closed eyelids, her eyelashes casting shadows over her partially exposed cheek as she absorbs Jade's words, in her body and mind. Jade used to whisper those things into her skin all the time, once, breathing them out of her mouth freely like they were her favourite words to say.

Cat's breathing is still harsh, the small girl still forcing them out though she's working on it.

She won't open her eyes, she doesn't want to see the mess she's in, but she can imagine. She's cried so much in the past 8 weeks that sometimes she forgets what she looks like without the swollen eyes and bloated face. But it's Jade Cat doesn't want to look at.

Every whisper, every sound Jade makes is comfort to her, it soothes her inside and makes her feel more normal. More loved, more safe.

She's been here a while, just cuddling Jade, holding onto her, that's she's sure she's missed her lesson anyway, and maybe that's why she feels a lot better now than she did walking into this room. Sure, it means she'll have to go back to the hospital and stay there for a few more days before coming back to school, but maybe she could use that. Maybe coming to school every day is a bit ambitious.

Cat picks up her head from the slope of Jade's neck, immediately missing her smell.

"Thank you."

Jade just nods, knowing Cat means it, though she doesn't think she deserve it in the first place.

"I didn't do anything," Jade tells her quietly. She just held her.

Cat sighs before dropping her head back on Jade's neck. "But you stayed," she speaks into porcelain skin. "You're still here."

Jade kisses Cat head again, or more her hair.

"I'm here."

* * *

A/N: So I hit 100 reviews and I want to say thank you all so much for keeping up and sticking with this sorry, it really means a lot.

P.S If you want more flashbacks about Jade and Cat as a couple pre-beck, just leave a review and I'll include snippets every now and again.

Reviews are always nice.


	29. Introvert

No one Understands

Disclaimer: Does this even matter anymore?

* * *

**_First, you think the worst is a broken heart_**

**_What's gonna kill you is the second part_**

**_And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle_**

* * *

"Oh, you'll love this,"

She hates it when people use that cheap trick. 'You'll love it'. It's manipulation, in a way, it gives you high expectations only to be broken. Even with the odd chance that you will like what this person offers, whether that be an experience, a material or simply the word play in a joke, you'll always falter as their excited eyes scan over your expression, awaiting for a smile or a laugh to bubble from your throat as they reveal the punch line.

It's forced, always. That smile, whether it's true or not, will always need to be bigger, and you'll conform to anything to make them feel good.

But not her.

She's not going to smile at something most probably stupid, she's not going to give them satisfaction in assuming that an activity they enjoy will be appreciated by Jade too, so to hell with it.

She's not going to smile at Tori's attempt to cheer her up with the news of Tori losing out on the part Jade got for Sikowitz's new play. Upon auditioning, Jade had absolutely no intentions in performing in another psychotic plot conjured from Sikowitz's imagination, she was just simply not interested.

"You're playing Susan, proud owner of dragon. Which apparently," Tori says double checking the script, "Is a cat."

She nods at Tori dismissively, bored eyes staring through hazel opposites.

Tori offers Jade her script with a smile, going ignored by the eldest girl who moves around her with a huff.

"I'm not doing the play."

"Why not?" Tori whines at Jade's side, turning to follow.

"Because," Jade sighs. "I don't care. The greatest thing about that play is _you're_ not playing the lead."

"Hey! What's wrong with me playing the lead?"

"There's nothing worse than a 'Sikowitz Play' than a Sikowitz play with a leading Tori." Tori frowns.

"Yeah well, you're still doing the play. It goes towards 38% of our final grade. And besides, Sikowitz refuses to have anyone else mother the Dragon-Cat. You have the right..." Tori quotes, "'feel' for it."

"If you think I'm participating in a stupid time-consuming play when nothing good will come out of it then you're as delusional as Sikow-"

"-How's Cat?"

Jade halts. "What?"

"You're being unreasonable, there must be a reason." Tori explains. "How is she?"

Tori stands opposite Jade, her teeth biting the inside of her mouth.

"She's... fine." Tori raises her eyebrows at Jade's lie, giving her the 'Do I look stupid to you?' look.

Jade sighs once more, shaking her head.

"It's her birthday next week and she's in treatment for possibly another month. She says she's okay with spending her 17th birthday locked up in rehab but I don't believe her. I just..."

"You want her to be happy? Have a good birthday?" Tori assumes.

"Yes. She says she doesn't care but I know she does, she always cares about her birthday. Especially since the past two years, I'm assuming, were terrible."

Tori's eyebrows cast low over her eyes, "Why? What was so bad about the past two years?"

"I broke her heart a couple of weeks before her fifteenth, her parents fucked her over on her sixteenth. I can't imagine much of a celebratory Cat."

Tori gives a sympathetic shrug of her lips, finding it difficult to picture a bubbly Cat on such downer birthdays, too.

Jade watches Tori as the girl's mouth opens, closes, and then opens again. Jade raises her eyebrow at Tori's hesitation, just as Tori comes out with it.

"But why did you, though? Break her heart, I mean." She's been intrigued to know since Jade had confessed about dating Cat before Beck. Jade had refused to tell her why it was that her and Cat broke up in the first place, especially since even now they're still in love with each other. It seems irrational and stupid, but she had no idea what went on between them so she has no right to resent Jade for hurting Cat.

"Why did I break Cat's heart? Do you think I wanted to?" Jade snaps. "You think I'd break her heart on purpose?"

"I never said that. Nobody breaks someone else's heart unless you're a complete asshole who doesn't have one of their own." Curses sounded so foreign on Tori's lips, clumsy almost. "You're not evil Jade, though you do come close." Jade stares at Tori mouth, watching her creation of words.

"It's just, I still don't know why you ever broke up. I mean, no offence to Beck and all, he's a great guy. You just seem to love Cat a lot more than you loved, or love I don't know, Beck." Jade looks back up to Tori's eyes.

"We broke up because we were fourteen and I was having problems. I didn't want to hurt her, okay?"

"Jade, she lost her mind. What could have possibly hurt her more than dumping her?" Tori notices Jade's jaw clench, muscles tightening around the bone.

"Look Tori, you don't get it. If my dad found out his fourteen year old daughter was 'gay', he would've killed-"

"-You broke up because of your dad?"

"What?" Jade stammers. "No, It's not like that." Tori bites the inside of her lip as Jade works herself up. "We broke up because it wasn't working, _he_ just made it worse."

"So it was mutual? Breaking up?" Tori asks, light-heartedly. She assumes it must've been, though had that been the case Cat wouldn't have been so heartbroken. Jade tenses incredibly.

"We didn't... She didn't know, I-" Jade huffs. "I went behind her back and dated Beck." She says through gritting her teeth. Tori's mouth falls ajar, which doesn't go unnoticed by Jade which winds her up even more. _It wasn't like that. _

She doesn't know what to tell Tori, because although it was never explicitly in her intentions to just dump Cat with seemingly no care, she still did it upon realising it was the easiest and most cowardly way of doing it. It seems scandalous to even put into context why she chose to do what she did, because she loved Cat and didn't want to hurt her, when her actions imply the opposite.

But Tori should know this, that Jade loved Cat despite her spitefulness. But nevertheless the words freshly carved from Jade's mouth connotes heartlessness and downright fucking evil. You don't do that to someone you love.

But perhaps what's most shocking is how Cat responded. Even to Jade having known Cat it still came as a surprise. Jade had expected Cat to lash out, like she had done so before during their early relationship, when she was unstable and trippy. But none of that happened.

Cat just let Jade go.

Jade was a runner, everyone knew that. She ran from things which scared her or came across as a threat. She hides away in herself, her safe place, where she'll either force a view or notion on herself or she'll chose to act like nothing is out of control in the first place. She's an introvert, she doesn't like to show emotions when they come with vulnerability.

Cat knew this, of course. She knew Jade and knew how she tended to deal with emotional situations. But this time she just left Jade to it. Like it was only a matter of time before Jade would start running and Cat could either choose to spend the rest of her life catching up, closing the gap between them with each day, or she could stay behind and watch her leave.

Thing was, she'd known Jade long enough to notice how she went from a stable walk to a steady paced jog. She become more and more self-preserved than she used to be, and although Cat was all she had, Jade went through periods of shutting Cat away from her emotional side, which came with hurt Cat grew numb to.

"I made it pretty clear we were over and that's why she was as heartbroken as she was," Jade speaks to her hands.

It was only evitable that Jade would set off in a full sprint only when she did, Cat never tried catching up.

There had been no point in chasing, Cat had thought. She had seen how happy Jade had been when that boy kissed her in the halls. She'd look taken aback but her smile, it was there and Jade only reserved those big toothy grins for special things. Jade was leaving because she didn't want her anymore so what was the point in chasing after something that didn't want to be chased? She became Beck's, everyone knew that then. No one questioned it because they had no idea that she was once Cat's too. Cat wouldn't ruin their happiness despite how badly she hated that stupid boy with the brown fluffy hair.

Not that it mattered.

Jade looks up from her hands and back up to Tori, by this point worked up with anxiety and stress, while Tori tries to remain as mellow as she can around an emotional Jade.

"Damn it, she wouldn't even look at me!" Tori began to stand uneasy in front of Jade, watching the girl grow from sad to angry, to sad again. "It was 6 months before she even spoke to me, and that was because she had to. Then _you_ came and she got with _fucking_ Danny."

The venom laced in Jade's words made Tori feel victimised, unsure on why her or Cat's relationship with Danny is even significant.

"All of a sudden she has a new boyfriend and she's completely 'okay!' again, which was a facade, by the way, but then to make it worse BECK starts hassling me about it!" Jade manically shakes her head and Tori really fears that Jade's gonna lose it. Doesn't help the situation that Jade keeps occasionally throwsingher arms around the place with scissors in her hand.

"'_Hey babe, know anything about that guy Daniel? Cat, she's just starting to feel comfortable in our group again. Talk to him. Make sure his intentions are good.' _I was so close to slicing him with these," Jade snarls, holding up her right hand. "Both of them."

Tori could only imagine what is must've been like for Jade to watch someone she was clearly still in love with date someone else, and maybe that's why she's so mad now. Possessiveness and jealously are Jade's most known traits, everyone knows not to touch what's hers. But no one knew about Jade and Cat, Tori ponders, so it must've been torture for Jade not intervening with Cat's and Danny's relationship understanding that although Cat was Jade's in her own mind, she wasn't in anyone else's.

It could be a reason why Jade became obsessed with Danny and Tori's previous relationship, remembering Jade's numerous, (but successful) attempts to make it so uncomfortably awkward between Cat and Danny with Jade constantly jabbing at Tori's and Danny's past together. It worked though, she realises.

"Then you kissed Danny, and broke her heart again." Jade lets out a dry chuckle. "Not that Danny even meant anything to her in the first place. It was being cheated on twice that hurt her so much."

Tori opens her mouth to speak, to defend herself or something, but Jade cuts her off.

"Yeah yeah, you didn't mean it. I don't care. I only care that you got rid of him so I didn't have to." Jade lets out a long breath, "You know I really thought I was gonna be okay with her dating again."

"What do you mean?" Tori asks, wearily.

"I hated seeing her so badly hurt all the time. You were right, she was out of her mind," Jade says brushing hair away from her face. "I wanted her to be okay again and I figured that when she dated someone else she'd find that. I thought I wouldn't be so threatened by it because I was wishing for it to happen." She explains. "But it just fucked me off instead."

"Was Danny the first she dated?"

Jade laughs. "Of course not. Cat's beautiful, every guy out that wanted her. But she was vulnerable, too, and that drew in some sick bastards." Tori frowns at the possibility of Cat attracting people like her ex Ryder, who were more interesting in getting something out of her than just a relationship.

"I threatened most away, but when Cat drinks she's pretty much impossible. She slept with two guys at parties. She'd get so wasted to fit in, and when I wasn't there she just let guys use her. She knew, too. But she's too compassionate and nice. I fucking hated that side of her."

"Oh my god, that's horrible!" Tori hand finds its way over her mouth, smothering her voice a little.

"Then she started to get bullied and harassed and used for all kinds of shit, and I tried to make it stop but people are ignorant. Has she ever told you about her brother? What people say about him?"

Tori shakes her head.

"Long story short, he's schizophrenic and he used to cause a lot of problems in middle school. His classmates, those who come here, used to pick on Cat about it all. I don't know why or what he done to have such a impact on these morons, but whatever. She got the blame."

"That's awful, I feel so bad. She doesn't deserve that." Tori gushes. Jade's unsure on why she's even telling Tori this, but she figures she'll only find out eventually and what's the harm? She's the only one here who knows about Cat's treatment therefore she's the only one Jade can vent to.

Jade stands there silently mulling over something in her head.

"Jade, can I ask you a question?" She interrupts.

"You just did." Tori sighs at Jade's snarky comment.

"You know what I meant."

"Don't hold back." Jade adds sarcastically.

"When Cat gets out of treatment... are you, like... dating?" Tori stares at Jade while the Goth tries to summon an answer.

"I don't know," Jade breathes. "I just want her to get better and have a good birthday. That's all I care about right now."

"Ok." Tori says understandably.

Tori doesn't push because she knows she'll only work Jade up again, and for a while back there she thought she was gonna die, (with the waving around of scissors, and all). Besides, she's hurting obviously, and past feelings have been brought up that she assumes Jade hasn't told anyone before.

Y'know, about her jealously over Cat's exes, over how she never really got over Cat even though she wished Cat would move on. And just how Jade never really got better in general. She's obviously still affected by it all, so Tori isn't going to try pulling an answer out of Jade, and instead, drops the subject.

"Probably would be best if we went to class now anyway, Sikowitz will wazz out if we're late." Tori suggests. "Oh! Here! Take your script." Tori says handing it over to Jade, having forgot she was even holding it.

"Whatever," Jade says, taking the script and walking away from Tori like she's some stranger on the street. Tori watches Jade march off, her boots filling the hallways in sound.

"Typical."

Tori smiles.

* * *

**_And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself_**

**_Fifth, you see them out with someone else_**

**_And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little_**

* * *

A/N: I haven't updated in ages here's a summary of why.

There's been deaths, births, exams, moving of homes, and a lack of computer access. But wey hey, I'm over it all.

Leave a review of thoughts, and I can't promise you they'll be another update anytime soon. Sorry.


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